AIBU to miss a family christening after double-booking my daughter's birthday weekend?

[ladyrushford]

To not attend a family christening because it’s the day before my daughter’s birthday and I’ve double booked 🙈

basically, that in a nutshell. My daughter (11, 12 in two weeks) goes to a drama class on a Saturday. I thought their end of term performance was the 18th, literally day before her birthday. This also happens to be the date of a christening on my in laws. For more complicated reasons, my in laws tend to send invites to my husband, and not me, and thus said invites are completely ignored until I found out about them and sort it out.

Anyway, I told DH about the supposed drama performance so he RSVP-d for himself and our two other kids, leaving me free to watch the dad. BUT what I hadn’t realised at the time is that the class is actually ending the week before because they kept it open for the first time in May half term. When I found this out I told the DH but he said just leave it, so something nice with our DD to make up for the fact we actually can’t attend on the actual last week because we’ve been given theatre tickets for my birthday 😂😂 (booked months and months ago, before DD even started the club).

The PILs have not taken this kindly. They’ve taken it upon themselves to check the dates ofthe class, and challenge us about why myself and daughter aren’t attending. They do this sort of stuff all the time but my DH doesn’t care when it’s me or someone else. Now my DH is in a talespin as he’s apparently blamed me for the mix up (fine, whatever, I don’t care) but refuses to back down. We could go but it’s a two hour drive there and back so it’s our whole Saturday gone. I’ve also booked a birthday lunch for my Dd at a place she’s always wanted to eat, but we never do as our severely autistic son wouldn’t cope there.

So we’re the arseholes because we didn’t correct a mix up but in all honesty, how do you resolve this without causing an all out war? It is an act of aggression of the in laws to challenge what we’ve said? We weren’t trying to cause a fight or be rude. We thought we were compromising. Help?

I would carry on and have the day with your daughter. It’s fine for your husband and other children to go without you.

Yes, it’s unfortunate you made a mistake so it looks like you lied, but I would find the fact that your PILs checked with the dance school absolutely unforgivable- it’s outrageous.

They need to mind their own business. Aside from anything else, you shouldn’t go as it will teach them that doing things like that gets them what they want.

I'm more surprised that you would continue to lie and try and skip a family christening - I assume his sister's DC - who are flying in?

I'd just reply to the FIl and say yes there's been a mix up me and DD will be there. Looking forward to it.

I think it’s pretty mean spirited not correcting this as soon as you realised to say you messed up dates but can in fact come. The added context of SIL travelling over to have this christening makes it all the more important.

Why is it not a nice thing to go to the christening with DD? Go and meet the family? You just sound disorganised and aloof. If they are having a family do, it’s a shame your dd isn’t meeting her new cousin because you don’t get your diary straight.

Chrustenings are not just about the baby being christened either. Lots of families see this as a family get together and take God parents and the introduction to the church seriously. It looks like you don’t respect them by finding something else to do deliberately.

I share a PP’s negative view on christenings. And I think your in laws overstepped finding out the dates.

But I also think that if you want extended family to show up for your children’s special events in the future, the things that are important to you, that works both ways. And since I assume you don’t have a moral objection to christening (because you’ve not mentioned it) you should go. You can do a special day with your DD on presumably loads of other days.

Obviously you don’t have to. I just think “nah don’t really wanna” to a family event is a bit shitty.

I would message back, hi, sorry I wasn’t told about the event by husband until last week! I told husband we have show tickets for daughter’s birthday. Husband got mixed up and told you it was it was to do with something else occurring the week before. Husband is not very good at passing on messages to me. Maybe we can set up a group chat and you can post all future invitations in that, so I’m kept in the loop?

You should get a large family calendar and hang it in the kitchen. As soon as an invitation arrives, mark it down.

In this house our birthdays override invitations. It’s up to the birthday person if they want to go to an outside event on their birthday. I’d take her to see the show for her birthday. A new (extended) family baby arrived the day before my child’s birthday. I anticipate future birthday party invitations on my child’s actual birthday or closest weekend in the future. I’ve told my daughter that it’s up to her what she wants to do on her birthdays. Have a lovely time with your daughter on her birthday.

Spend the day with your DD. It's the day before her birthday and it would be nice to do something with just the 2 of you. Your DH and son's will be at the christening and why should you put your IL's child above your own?

So you said no to a family Christening because DD had a drama performance.

Except she doesnt have a drama performance because you got the dates wrong. And the actual time youre double booked is the week before (drama v theatre).

So on the day of the Christening, you arent double booked at all but as youd already said no youre going for lunch instead?

I mean, checking up on you is a dick move but you fucked around and got found out so I think their arseiness is fair. They might have checked, but they were right.

It’s only a christening. A profuse apology and a good excuse enough!

I'm reaching here, but would the PIL normally attend your DD's drama performance or show any interest? Because that might provide a more innocent reason for their contacting to check the date.

They had it in their diary to go, or to at least ask her about it, then when you said it was the day of the christening they thought 'wait, we had it down for the following week, better check'.

Yes I am hugely giving the benefit of the doubt here, it'd be a shame to fall out further if their intentions weren't quite as nefarious as you first thought though.

No, you’re being totally reasonable.

So one thing involving your DD isn’t now on the 18th, but as it happens there’s another separate thing involving your DD on the 18th instead, because you were already overbooked and overburdened; so you still can’t come to the christening.

You don’t need the PiL’s permission to decline a church thing.

I’ve told my DP I’m never going to another christening with him because the last one was a total bloody farce. None of the immediate family or godparents/supporters were churchgoers, they were dressed like they’d slept in their clothes (baby excepted, ironically enough), the vicar said she had never met them before the booking meeting, and no-one apart from me knew the hymns, prayers or basic order of service. And I’m not even CofE. The vicar dragged it out for 90 long minutes, I suspect as some form of punishment.

It’s the same with his family weddings. The last one, the couple split up after 8 months. Don’t even get me started on the drama around the funerals.

I'd be furious that they "checked up" on why you couldn't go. Who does this?????
You don't seem interested in the christening, so don't go. If you're not into their religion there's no point.

I assume it’s an opportunity for your dd to meet family members she rarely sees? Christening trumps birthday which can be moved in these circumstances.

@SecurityAnalystsRUsWe don’t all marry into rough uneducated families. The op has close relatives coming from abroad - they might be nothing like your rabble.

Your biggest mistake was ever giving ils your mobile number..

Your ILs were rude to go behind your back to check the club dates. It would never even occur to me to do that.

In this instance I probably would go though. If the SIL lives abroad then your only chance to see her family. DDs birthday isn't until the following day, so you're not spoiling that. Also, if one of your DS is severely autistic, and can't cope in certain situations, it may be beneficial for your DH to have a little extra support. Just bite your tongue and say there had been a mix up with dates and you will be attending. Don't take any nonsense from ILs though, and be prepared for any snarky comments they may make.

Your ILs sound insane. Your DH needs to own his mistake. And I wouldn’t go, personally, on the principle now that his parents will think that this sort of overbearing, bullying behaviour works and so carry on doing it. It is being blown out of any sensible proportion. Stick to your plans.

Checking with the drama school! Fucking mental.

I'm a bit confused about the "We could go but it’s a two hour drive there and back so it’s our whole Saturday gone." But DH is taking your other 2 DC anyway so it's no extra inconvenience to you and your family as a whole - you just don't want to go.

So basically it's a lot of excess backstory to say 'In laws are having a big event, DD and I don't want to go, PIL think we should.'

In which case most people would probably say yes, suck it up, big family event with people attending from all over the world. I can see why you'd rather not but it does seem like one of those things you'd probably do for family harmony. That doesn't mean you have to go to all their big events but given half the family are already going to this one anyway I'd probably go and save the 'sorry can't make this one,' card for another time.

That doesn't negate the fact that PIL are a bit bonkers for double checking the dates - but on the other hand they probably suspected you were fibbing to them, and you were (I know not originally but as soon as you found out the performance wasn't on that date you were at least lying by omission, and presumably whenever someone at the event asked DH 'Where's OP and DD?' he would have said 'Oh DD has a dance thing,' rather than 'Oh, they originally got the dates mixed up but when we realised I told them not to both coming and to do something else instead.') so nobody really has the moral high ground here!

I'd double down and not go for fil's passive aggressive message alone.

As someone whose brother christened his kids a few years back and the invitation was to come through my toxic mother who only told me the day before and I was the worst on the planet for not dropping everything and going (I was not in the same country at the time and clearly no time to rearrange things even if I felt invited) then I say fuck them and go and enjoy your day with your dd. Had they wanted you there the invite would have been sent to you also not just your husband. They also have absolutely no right to look into what you are doing and check on things ffs you are a grown adult for crying out loud. Leave them to their christening and smile to yourself at the irony of making such a big nasty deal of you not going when they are not even acting very christian in these circumstances themselves.

Perfect response. And leave it all up to DH to deal with.

The reason is she gets to spend 1 on 1 time with her daughter doing something they wouldn’t normally be able
to do and is special to her daughter.

why does someone else’s child and ritual trump that?

Because the christening is a one off specific event and she can spend one on one time with her daughter doing something they enjoy any time.

Christenings aren’t important though? Why is a traditional ritual around a made up scenario more important than celebrating her own DDs birthday in a way they usually couldn’t due to her other child’s significant need?

Hi op what a mess I would turn up say sorry dh thought it would be more practical to take dd for lunch because the dates changed for her show. If you can send invites to us both from now on I can make sure this doesn’t happen again i have let dd down by coming here so hopefully all is good with you. Then tell dh you going for the lunch another day asap and he can have the other kids. Your dh is a wimp and in-laws are control freaks neither of them are good. I hope your dd understands.