AIBU to not trust my sister-in-law as far as I could throw her?

[UntrustworthyInLaws]

I have 4 SIL's including 1 on my DH's side. I think this is relevant as I get on with the other 3 married to my brothers.

From the get go it has been a competition (one sided) between SIL and I, fuelled by MIL. She is a couple of years younger than me. The women in my DH's family all create drama amongst themselves and hate each other till the day they die. It is actually very unsettling. I've never seen anything like it. It is like an Italian feud.

A few years ago DH and I fell out big time, and I thought we would divorce. We are still together. When this happened my DH confided in my SIL and she basically took delight in our splitting, and offered to house him when he left and host my DC at her house. On top of this, she posted numerous times on her Instagram of pictures of her in his office where she had travelled over to meet him (way out of her way) to give him some information and help him out. My DC showed me the pictures. All these dates are right in the thick of us discussing the ins and outs of breaking up. Also, during these 3 months of heartbreak non of my PIL contacted me or my DC. So much for caring about their welfare.

Anyway, a few years later we are still together, but I cannot get what she did out of my head. Yes, I also have a marriage and DH issue and that is a whole other thread.

I rarely see her now, and my PIL are not happy about the lack of contact and take it out on me. PIL do this thing that I have seen them do to other women in the family. They are civil to my face, but then the mask drops. So, for example I offered to help them with something the other day, and they declined saying they's rather not do it than ask me. Nice!

Anyway, I have to meet up with SIL on Sat at a family members anniversary dinner and I am dreading it. This is someone who I feel I cannot trust, that given the chance would stab me in the heart and would dance on my grave laughing should I come to a nasty end. In fact, she did once laugh in my face when I was ill and upset. It is not just me too, my DC are not that interested in my in-laws, seeing them for what they are.

Oh, and for the record everything is my fault. It is all my fault we don't have a great relationship even though I get on with everyone else in my family.

AIBU to not want a single thing to do with my SIL and after my last DC leaves home in a couple of years for Uni to say I am done and want nothing more to do with them.

and offered to house him when he left and host my DC at her house.

This seems like a completely appropriate thing for a sibling to do for their sibling, if they are able to. Your DH was telling his sister he wanted or you wanted to separate and he was beginning to figure out how that could work and look, your SIL did nothing wrong by helping him.

Also, during these 3 months of heartbreak non of my PIL contacted me or my DC, so much for caring about their welfare.

Not sure what that has to do with your SIL?

I also no idea what you think she did that was so wrong...

Honeyhonay

When DH and I split my parents and siblings offered to reach out to my DH and talk to him to see if they could help, and all stepped in to help and support my DC. My in-laws didn't speak to my DC for 3 months, until it was resolved.

That’s abnormal and quite meddling. If I was divorcing I wouldn’t want my entire in-laws family getting involved and coming their nose in. She’s his sister, not yours. It’s completely normal for her to offer to house him rather than you.
Again, I’m not sure the relevance of your in-laws not speaking to DC when your issue seems to be exclusively with SIL?

I can't see what she did wrong either.

'The women in my DH's family all create drama amongst themselves and hate each other till the day they die.'
Thats v dramatic language.

I agree that she’s just supporting her her brother, which is expected. Your own family getting involved isn’t relevant. They thought that was the right way to support you, but your husband’s family did not think that was the right way to support you and the children.

Are you seeing that during the time you were separated, your husband didn’t see the children at all? Surely that is the biggest problem

YABU. She supported her brother. Your family contacting him or his family during that time was unnecessary and, as per pp has stated, meddling.
Sorry but this is a you issue. She’s done nothing wrong.

She did nothing wrong. She offered her brother and her nieces/nephews a place to stay, and she came over to support him when he was going through a hard time. Sounds like good sister behaviour.

I understand there's water under the bridge though and you just don't like these people. I think you should probably spend some time thinking about how much of it is due to them simply being different from your family and how much of it is actual unreasonable behaviour. These things are rarely one sided anyway; what would they say about your behaviour if asked? (I'm not blaming you, I'm just suggesting points of reflection.)

Swerve the dinner.
Sit with your dc well away from ils.
I split with Dp for 6 months. Also never heard from ils. We got back together and actually married. Lasted a year. Never heard from ils. Court ordered nc for oldest 2 dc. The ils still never contacted me even about those 2 dc.

Yeah, sorry, not quite understanding the drama here either. She was offering a place for her brother (and nieces/nephews) to stay if he needed- that’s quite a normal thing to do.

I don’t think offering her brother a place to stay is odd at all, or meeting him for lunch at his office, I used to meet my brother for lunch all the time when we worked close by to each other.

Your SIL and MIL may well be bitches and love drama, and if you don’t want to speak to them or only be civil then just stick to that, you doing owe them anything.

YABU. I cannot see that she’s done anything wrong. She is allowed to support her brother. It was kind of her to offer him and your children a home if you had separated. It was absolutely NOT her place to reach out to you and meddle in your relationship to convince you to stay together, and I find it worrying you tho m your parents behaviour was the normal behaviour. They massively overstepped.

I think your problem is that you are enmeshed in your own family, so your DH’s family having healthy boundaries feels alien to you.

You don't have to attend the dinner, neither do your DC.

Yes, I also have a marriage and DH issue and that is a whole other thread.

And that's the thread you need to have. You talk about not trusting your SIL but, like an OW, it's not her you have to worry about. If the marriage is unhappy, she's not evil for
wanting her brother out of it and offering to put
him up. The power and decision about staying in and protecting your marriage rests with your husband, so stop deflecting on to her and tackle the real issue.

It's a shame that your DH chose her, of all people, to confide in, so he involved her. She doesn't sound very nice, revelling in the drama like that.
Your best bet is to pin on a smile and present a united front with your DH. Tell him in advance that you don't want him telling her any more of your business. And of course YANBU to want to keep her at arm's length in future.

I don't think stepping up to support her brother puts her in the wrong either. When my sister split up with her husband, I didn't reach out to him or see him - I didn't like him anyway, and it sounds like your SIL doesn't like you. It happens and it's not unusual - you don't like her either!

Just let your DH go to the family dinner. You don't sound like you like your PIL either so why bother engaging with them? Just let DH see his family when he wants, you don't have to.

Another one chipping in to say I don't see what your SIL did wrong.

Swerve the dinner. I don’t think your ILs did anything wrong by not reaching out, but when my DB and SIL had issues my parents did reach out to her. She’s the mother of their grandchildren and they really like her, it’s not abnormal to reach out it just really depends on the situation.

If they do love drama then best practice is to just avoid them like the plague. Your behaviour at the dinner will be over analysed and talked about and you can’t do anything right with people like that.

That's a bit weird of your parents TBH. I think keeping out of a couple's matrimonial problems but offering support to your side of the family privately is absolutely fine. And in laws contacting DC when you're having problems is just odd and a TOTAL minefield. What if DC didn't know and in laws come in offering support and blow the whole thing wide open?!

I’m guessing it’s the glee with which the SIL sprang to DH side, the performative insta posts and the general sentiment @UntrustworthyInLaws

so she’s not a friend of your marriage- does DH get this? Does he know how you feel? Does he support you?

if he doesn’t, and if you really have no other option than to attend this event, then just prepare yourself mentally, sit away from her and just let her do her thing away from you.

smile, nod, change subjects, grey rock the shit out of everything- go full on political candidate fake if you must

don’t let any of them get to you, and don’t show it if they do. Practice tinkly laughs, head tilts and silence when they say something shitty. “Oh what an odd thing to say, you’re so funny” ha ha, walk off.

Your DH had support from his sister at his time of need, like you did from your family. What’s the issue?

Don't go on Saturday. You don't like them, she doesn't like you. They are all going to talk whether you go or not. You don't want to repair anything. Don't go. Your DH goes with the kids and you send your apologies - about your head cold, migraine or stomach upset.

Around Thursday start laying the ground work - oh not feeling too good. Get yourself a nice bottle of wine, order take away or a box of chocolates - watch a film or call friends. Make your own night.

When DH and the kids come home, you ask 'Did you have a nice time?' And then you leave it at that - no grilling or inquisition. Just 'That's nice'. Stop giving this Drama fuel.

Carry on doing the bare minimum in contact.
Be the odd one out in the family. Be the nice one.
You have to live with yourself and sleep well at night..

Your DH knows you and loves you.
Just pay less attention to what any mean person says or does.
Grow a tougher skin and live your life how you wish.

Don't go.
Don't see any of them.
Don't waste energy on this.
Do you want to be married?
If not then focus on leaving.
Awful environment for your children to be in.