AIBU to not trust my sister-in-law as far as I could throw her?

[UntrustworthyInLaws]

I have 4 SIL's including 1 on my DH's side. I think this is relevant as I get on with the other 3 married to my brothers.

From the get go it has been a competition (one sided) between SIL and I, fuelled by MIL. She is a couple of years younger than me. The women in my DH's family all create drama amongst themselves and hate each other till the day they die. It is actually very unsettling. I've never seen anything like it. It is like an Italian feud.

A few years ago DH and I fell out big time, and I thought we would divorce. We are still together. When this happened my DH confided in my SIL and she basically took delight in our splitting, and offered to house him when he left and host my DC at her house. On top of this, she posted numerous times on her Instagram of pictures of her in his office where she had travelled over to meet him (way out of her way) to give him some information and help him out. My DC showed me the pictures. All these dates are right in the thick of us discussing the ins and outs of breaking up. Also, during these 3 months of heartbreak non of my PIL contacted me or my DC. So much for caring about their welfare.

Anyway, a few years later we are still together, but I cannot get what she did out of my head. Yes, I also have a marriage and DH issue and that is a whole other thread.

I rarely see her now, and my PIL are not happy about the lack of contact and take it out on me. PIL do this thing that I have seen them do to other women in the family. They are civil to my face, but then the mask drops. So, for example I offered to help them with something the other day, and they declined saying they's rather not do it than ask me. Nice!

Anyway, I have to meet up with SIL on Sat at a family members anniversary dinner and I am dreading it. This is someone who I feel I cannot trust, that given the chance would stab me in the heart and would dance on my grave laughing should I come to a nasty end. In fact, she did once laugh in my face when I was ill and upset. It is not just me too, my DC are not that interested in my in-laws, seeing them for what they are.

Oh, and for the record everything is my fault. It is all my fault we don't have a great relationship even though I get on with everyone else in my family.

AIBU to not want a single thing to do with my SIL and after my last DC leaves home in a couple of years for Uni to say I am done and want nothing more to do with them.

I know what you mean OP. Even if no-one else does.

Can't see what she did wrong either, tbh. Unless there's a drip feed coming. She supported her brother by offering him a plcae to stay. The in-laws who offered to speak to DH and stopped speaking to him themselves, are the strange ones. Unless its an affair or something, why turn your back on your own child just because he's having marital problems?

I mean when I divorced my family supported me and my exPIL and family supported ExH. I think I'd have been put out and I am sure exH would have been too if my family or his started contacting the other side during this time. I would have also expected any DC related questions to go through to the relevant parent ie my family /me PIL/exH

Now it may well be that they are not nice people and you have a DH issue. But the support and the "taking sides" is kind of parking for the course

You seem quite dramatic yourself. Just say hello, goodbye and thank goodness it cooled down. Job done.
We all have difficult relatives, but you seem to be glorying in yours.

Your husband's family doesn't like you and doesn't see you as family. They treat you poorly and your husband excuses it.

The part about the one SIL offering her bro a place to stay, well, that's being supportive. Hrr version is different than your family's but that doesn't make her version wrong.

This is how they are, you know this, you've been married a long time. Do you think your husband's going to change and make them stop trash talking behind your back? He's not going to do that.

See them less, give them less headspace. If your husband objects to you not seeing them, tell him you will when he grows a spine and tells them to stop with the backstabbing trash talk. No, what you want to do is not unreasonable.

I get you feel like you're in enemy territory with this upcoming dinner but forget them and enjoy the food and moment for what it is. If there's a good dish, recreate it at home.

You are closer to it OP, from what you have written many people will see that it is normal for a sibling to step up and visit more or offer accommodation when a marriage is breaking up, but you are referring to her enjoying the drama of it. So perhaps there is more to it, when you know you know… It’s not uncommon for ILs to take sides and blank the other party during or after a breakup. Possibly your husband told his family all sorts during the breakup and they are reacting to that. Many siblings will extend trust…and your husband doesn’t see the problem, so something there tells me the issue could start with him? Something for you to work through. But, to coin a mumsnet phrase, it’s an invitation not a summons. Why don’t you just be ill or have a clash whenever there is a meet up? Let your DH facilitate the relationship with his family. You don’t have to be great friends with ILs, you can pick and choose and just decide when it’s important to be there and when not, always be civil and respectful. Be on your guard, reveal nothing of yourself, stay sober, respond only in pleasantries. That way there is zero drama to feed on for them.

Op, your tone is immature and drama Queen. Your credibility isn’t high. Maybe throw away your resentment and chill a bit.

I don’t think what she did was wrong. I mean tbf you clearly don’t like each other, if DB was potentially getting divorced I would of course support him. Families will absolutely stick together and some families are more fractious than others. I don’t know how SIL is competing with you, you don’t provide any examples of that. If Dh family has a fight I just get the goss from him but it’s not really any of my business so I keep well out, so not sure how that affects you.

I agree with pp, you are projecting onto your sil a bit here.

I am closer to my sister in law than my own family or friends but of course if my brother and her were going to split up I would support him and offer him somewhere to live. On the other point if my DH and I were having issues the last thing I would want us to be contacted by my in laws ie them contacting my DC about it

Anyway, you very definitely do not have to go, and if you choose to go it's because you want drama too.

Avoid people who cause you distress. Problem solved.

I had almost the exact same situation. I get it OP, YANBU.

And does he want you to go to the dinner or does he not care if you are regretfully “sick today”?

I have a horrific BIL and I either avoid him where possible, or if I do see him I just nod smile and agree whilst not really listening to anything he says. I'm just polite and get out of there ASAP 'I'm sorry I have to go, I totally forgot my house is on fire'!

Don't go , just say you aren't feeling right , which is true . Good luck @UntrustworthyInLaws 🤞

My in laws were the same, cut them all off as they were constantly cutting each other off, making up having big dramas and cutting off again. Wasn’t healthy for anyone especially all the kids involved.
Life is much better without them!

OP you're really getting piled on here. People who haven't experienced the insanity of cliques in families who live only for drama don't understand-don't let them bother you, be happy they have no frame of reference.

I do have a frame of reference and before I went NC with my family many years ago I used to feel dazed after some of the wacky things that happened, questioning my own sanity. Then one day I realized I didn't have to participate and removed myself from the shitshow. God I almost threw up before a party once, that was near the end. (If only the internet had existed I'd have learned boundaries and how mad my mother & SILs were much sooner)

I recall attending a funeral once a few years after I'd walked away. A cousin's teenage son turned around and stared at me long and hard with a baffled expression.I don't care what they said about me, I know myself, I know what I've done and I never fucked with people for funsies. I sleep with a clear conscience, not sure about most of the women in my family (and the fucking weak men who blithely ignore it all).

OP I'd think hard about attending-do you want to give fuel to people who gleefully watch you for any wrong move? If you do go practice grey rocking- someone asks how you are 'I'm fine thank you'. How's work? 'Fine, thanks'. Did you get that promotion? 'Oh look there's some nice bean dip excuse me'
Bland, innocuous, neither warm nor cold. Stick to the facts like you're talking to a hostile detective and offer no details.

I think your marriage is the bigger issue and ILs are a red herring. They clearly realise your marriage is toxic and have selected to side with their son/brother which is to be expected.

Ok, so his “staying out of it” is actually avoiding conflict and not being able to stand up to them

'Three months of heartbreak' sounds like a Country & Western song......
If it's three months, it isn't heartbreak.

I think you go, but just sit away from her and don’t give her any ammunition. Just grey rock them all.

You are the person creating drama here. She was supporting her brother as any good sister would. Your in-laws chose not to meddle in your marriage. Good on them. Do you have siblings? If they supported you, would that also be out of line?

The OP said nothing about SIL laughing in her face. She did assume glee without evidence.

How much drama do the men in the family create by not managing family thought load, not communicating and not effectively managing their side of relationships?

Do you really want to stay married to a man who chose to treat you appallingly?

Forget his relatives, start planning a happy future for yourself.

I’ve seen a post about something like this years ago when I first joined mumsnet. Fuck them all off and forget about it. You don’t like them they don’t like you. Free yourself and refuse to go to any of there stuff ever again. Problem solved.