AIBU to not trust my sister-in-law as far as I could throw her?

[UntrustworthyInLaws]

I have 4 SIL's including 1 on my DH's side. I think this is relevant as I get on with the other 3 married to my brothers.

From the get go it has been a competition (one sided) between SIL and I, fuelled by MIL. She is a couple of years younger than me. The women in my DH's family all create drama amongst themselves and hate each other till the day they die. It is actually very unsettling. I've never seen anything like it. It is like an Italian feud.

A few years ago DH and I fell out big time, and I thought we would divorce. We are still together. When this happened my DH confided in my SIL and she basically took delight in our splitting, and offered to house him when he left and host my DC at her house. On top of this, she posted numerous times on her Instagram of pictures of her in his office where she had travelled over to meet him (way out of her way) to give him some information and help him out. My DC showed me the pictures. All these dates are right in the thick of us discussing the ins and outs of breaking up. Also, during these 3 months of heartbreak non of my PIL contacted me or my DC. So much for caring about their welfare.

Anyway, a few years later we are still together, but I cannot get what she did out of my head. Yes, I also have a marriage and DH issue and that is a whole other thread.

I rarely see her now, and my PIL are not happy about the lack of contact and take it out on me. PIL do this thing that I have seen them do to other women in the family. They are civil to my face, but then the mask drops. So, for example I offered to help them with something the other day, and they declined saying they's rather not do it than ask me. Nice!

Anyway, I have to meet up with SIL on Sat at a family members anniversary dinner and I am dreading it. This is someone who I feel I cannot trust, that given the chance would stab me in the heart and would dance on my grave laughing should I come to a nasty end. In fact, she did once laugh in my face when I was ill and upset. It is not just me too, my DC are not that interested in my in-laws, seeing them for what they are.

Oh, and for the record everything is my fault. It is all my fault we don't have a great relationship even though I get on with everyone else in my family.

AIBU to not want a single thing to do with my SIL and after my last DC leaves home in a couple of years for Uni to say I am done and want nothing more to do with them.

I also don't understand what she's done wrong. When my sister was splitting up with her husband I didn't reach out to him but I did support her. I think that's normal and far more normal than what your family did.
You don't like your SIL and that's okay but as far as I can see she hasn't done anything wrong. It's not her fault your PIL didn't bother with the kids, why are you blaming her?

I am not, and have never been, an Instagram user but is this normal?

On top of this, she posted numerous times on her Instagram of pictures of her in his office where she had travelled over to meet him (way out of her way) to give him some information and help him out.

Can you not just go to the dinner for the sake of your DH and DC? Remain dignified and polite. You don’t have to be best friends with your SIL and you don’t even really need to speak to her apart from Hello and goodbye. I think you’re adding fuel to the drama instead of just letting go and moving on.
You and your DH’s relationship is between the two of you and no nobody else needs to be involved, your family speaking to your DH when you separated is a bit weird honestly

I put my DB up for a few months when his marriage broke down and I’m still on very good terms with my ex-SIL. I’m glad she didn’t hold it against me because I don’t feel I did anything wrong. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, of course I get helping your sibling is the fine thing.

You are right. It’s the “glee” at anything that happens to me. It’s unnerving and I don’t need people like this in my life.

My family are anything but interfering. When this happened, that is, my DH had a mid life crisis, my brothers of similar age, profession, and long marriages offered to take him for a pint and see what was bothering him with no judgment. Nothing too interfering!

I’m another one who can’t see what your SIL did wrong here. If your PIL were seeing the kids during their dad’s contact time/getting information about them from him then they didn’t have much of a reason to contact you. I haven’t spoken to my ex BIL since he and my sister split up years ago, except
to tell the selfish arsehole him he needed to take care of his own kids while my sister was in hospital. I would not want my family contacting my ex after a break up, it would all get very messy and overly… dramatic if that happened. I can’t help thinking that you revel in drama yourself tbh OP.

I don't use Instagram either but people post all sorts of things on SM, so it could be normal for her especially if she went way out of her way to travel to meet him.

@UntrustworthyInLaws Men very often don’t talk to anyone about their struggles, and it’s why male mortality is the worst it’s been.

what your family did was kind - and normal - what his family are doing isn’t nice. You know the vibe you’re getting. You’re not an idiot

learn to rise above, or at least give yourself the permission to let the all get on with it without you. As you get older the fucks you give about bollocks like this run out, you stop caring what they think and just let them do what they do without it impacting on you.

Well, sounds like she supported her brother but was also pleased or even gleeful that there was drama and distress. This is not really a positive for future relations given you and your h reconciled.

So, she’s never going to be your ally or friend.

You can be very polite at social occasions. Never get drawn into exchange of bitchy comments etc. Walk away or stay silent. Keep your dignity.

Don't engage with any of them beyond the essential. And don’t take their unpleasant words to heart at all ever.

If his family really are this dire, how does your h feel about them?

Can you be ‘ill’ on the day of the anniversary do? I would be!

Christ, they sound awful. Resolve never to see any of them again, stick to it and you’ll feel like a massive weight has been lifted. They’re not worthy of your time or thought.

Nothing you posted screams "glee" and you said you barely see her. 🤷‍♀️
Was she not supposed to support her brother? Was she, like everyone else, supposed to interfere with the sole purpose of steering him out of his apparent 'mid life crisis' by making him see the error of his ways?

She didn't do anything wrong. Your brothers, on the other hand, DID want to interfere. As if they'd be the right people to get him to spill about this issues in your marriage.

I'm sure you are focusing on her because it was a bad time in your life and she didn't react as you expected her, or wanted her to. I kinda get that. I'm sure I've held irrational grudges before as well. Just don't go to the dinner. You really don't have to and it doesn't sound like it would be beneficial for anyone, most importantly you, if you do.

I am curious as to why you are angry at your inlaws for not seeing your children for 3 months. Surely that was up to your DH to arrange. Why didn't he when it was his time with the children?

Why would she be supporting you during a possible marriage break up with her brother? Her behaviour is typical.

I don’t think your family’s behaviour was particularly appropriate. They could absolutely choose to support your DH on some level but trying to fix the issues between you both crosses lines.

I can see where your expectations come from based on your own family dynamics but I don’t think you should extrapolate out that that is how a relationship breakup should be handled.

What

I’d just ignore them back. If I offered to help someone and their answer was well I’d rather not do it than accept your help, I’d just be like “cool, that was the last time I’ve ever offered”.

They’re a toxic family, stay clear and keep it moving. They’re your DH’s problem, not yours.

I would find the prospect of my siblings intervening in my marital problems incredibly interfering. Yet you don’t seem to see your SIL supporting her brother in the same light. You can’t possibly know if she felt ‘glee’ at your split. You don’t see her or communicate with her. And I’m laughing at your characterisation of the women of your DH’s family as creating drama and hating one another, when that’s exactly what you’re doing — look at your insanely melodramatic language! Dancing on graves and stabbing in the heart and and Italian feuds. Your DH must have chosen a familiar type to marry.

Don’t go to the meal.

It sounds like you’re projecting the issues in your marriage onto your SIL because it’s an easier focus than your husband. When my brother told me he and SIL of 15 years were divorcing I offered him a bed and have never spoken to her again even though they’ve stayed on okay terms since splitting. She’s got her own family.

I guess your 'D' H told them a lot of crap about you. I'd steer clear of all of them. I'd probably include your H in that. I think people are having a bit of a laugh on this thread. There are ways to behave when your DIL is the mother of your grandchildren. Civil, kind etc. and still interested in the children. It's not weird for your brothers to offer to talk to him. It's normal behaviour in a caring family. You have a H problem @UntrustworthyInLaws , but you know this.

I don't know why offering her brother a place to stay and to see his children, in his time of need is a problem either.

My parents would be devastated not to see my DC, but I think they'd expect me to facilitate that and wouldn't go behind my back to ask DH to sort it out. Why wasn't DH arranging for DC to see his parents?

it sounds like none of you like each other and from your initial post it doesn't seem to be much that she's done that's so awful. She offered to support her brother in a practical way whilst you were split up Her potentially being happy you were going to split up, is different issue but from just that post it just seems something that you would do for your sibling. I don't see why that means you wouldn't trust her as far as you can throw her? As for the parents in law presumably during the split your husband saw his children? So I'm not sure why they needed contact them via you when they presumably had contact via him. If you had a good relationship before the break they probably would have been in some sort of limited contact with you but at the end of the day he's their son.

You talk about the women in the family being very dramatic But go on to say "This is someone who I feel I cannot trust, that given the chance would stab me in the heart and would dance on my grave laughing should I come to a nasty end." which is pretty dramatic and possibly they think the same about you as you do about them.

I wouldn't bother going to the anniversary dinner and let your husband take the children - although it won't improve your relationship with the in laws It's probably not going to make it any worse.

Ugh, that seems horribly interfering to me, and I think you'd have felt the same if SIL tried it. If SIL had identified a problem in your marriage and wanted to take you to the pub to find out what it was, that would have been OK?

Ok for your brothers to get involved but not his sister?

With the most kindness, it sounds like a you issue

This. What all of your brothers asking him to meet at the pub to discuss your marriage issues, and he went?!

I can't see what the sil did wrong?
The grandparents not seeing their grandkids is not the sil. How old are the kids? Did they see them much anyway?

No, my brothers offered to meet him individually. My DH was having a MLC and they all said yeah, been there done that, get the pressure of a stressful job in the city, family, getting older. They’ve been close to divorce over long hours, travel and pressure and just wanted to see if talking to them would help. It wasn’t to talk about my marriage. To be fair my DH was treating me appallingly and they never once said a bad word about him.

Any he declined to meet them.

Also, he didn’t move out, he stayed in our house. PIL didn’t speak to our DC once via him during the 3 months of turmoil.

Sounds like you have a crappy marriage and your prefer to blame your SIL rather than either of the 2 people who may actually be responsible
Focus on your marriage or ending your marriage and stop trying to start "Italin style feuds" yourself