AIBU to not trust my sister-in-law as far as I could throw her?

[UntrustworthyInLaws]

I have 4 SIL's including 1 on my DH's side. I think this is relevant as I get on with the other 3 married to my brothers.

From the get go it has been a competition (one sided) between SIL and I, fuelled by MIL. She is a couple of years younger than me. The women in my DH's family all create drama amongst themselves and hate each other till the day they die. It is actually very unsettling. I've never seen anything like it. It is like an Italian feud.

A few years ago DH and I fell out big time, and I thought we would divorce. We are still together. When this happened my DH confided in my SIL and she basically took delight in our splitting, and offered to house him when he left and host my DC at her house. On top of this, she posted numerous times on her Instagram of pictures of her in his office where she had travelled over to meet him (way out of her way) to give him some information and help him out. My DC showed me the pictures. All these dates are right in the thick of us discussing the ins and outs of breaking up. Also, during these 3 months of heartbreak non of my PIL contacted me or my DC. So much for caring about their welfare.

Anyway, a few years later we are still together, but I cannot get what she did out of my head. Yes, I also have a marriage and DH issue and that is a whole other thread.

I rarely see her now, and my PIL are not happy about the lack of contact and take it out on me. PIL do this thing that I have seen them do to other women in the family. They are civil to my face, but then the mask drops. So, for example I offered to help them with something the other day, and they declined saying they's rather not do it than ask me. Nice!

Anyway, I have to meet up with SIL on Sat at a family members anniversary dinner and I am dreading it. This is someone who I feel I cannot trust, that given the chance would stab me in the heart and would dance on my grave laughing should I come to a nasty end. In fact, she did once laugh in my face when I was ill and upset. It is not just me too, my DC are not that interested in my in-laws, seeing them for what they are.

Oh, and for the record everything is my fault. It is all my fault we don't have a great relationship even though I get on with everyone else in my family.

AIBU to not want a single thing to do with my SIL and after my last DC leaves home in a couple of years for Uni to say I am done and want nothing more to do with them.

That sounds incredibly draining. It’s completely understandable that you’d find it hard to trust her after what happened.

Did you miss "This is someone who I feel I cannot trust, that given the chance would stab me in the heart and would dance on my grave laughing should I come to a nasty end" further down the same post?

It's like a pantomime

I agree with this.

it’s GOOD that they don’t want your help @UntrustworthyInLaws

codify this and NEVER offer to help any of them out ever again.

you’re off the hook! Yay!

You’re attributing all of your DH’s failings to your SIL and in-laws. Somewhat understandable since you’ve decided to stay together but ultimately it’s him, not them.
He was making plans to leave and where to stay with his sister, that’s not on the sister. You weren’t even involved so any suggestion that she was “gleeful” in helping him if purely your own inference.
Your DH not ensuring his parents see to speak to his DC during a 3 month separation is again a total him problem.
You’re allowing him to get off pretty Scott free in all this really and trying to make it seem like it’s everyone else’s fault.

This would have been my thing from the word go.

You don't have to go. Of course not. Just don't go. You're suddenly unwell that day.

You are married into a dysfunctional family. There's no shame if you opt out of having anything to do with them. Let OH go, leave him to it, don't get involved in any of the drama.

I too would be hurt had the inlaws made no effort with my child too, during your marriage wobbles. Children are the innocent party and should be kept out of it.

Anyway, a few years later we are still together, but I cannot get what she did out of my head. Yes, I also have a marriage and DH issue and that is a whole other thread.

Look, I know it can be difficult to try to convey just how nasty someone can be when it's a vibe you get from them rather than specific things they've said or done that are easy to explain, but I am struggling to understand what she did wrong here. She supported her brother and offered to house him and host his children if necessary, in the event of a divorce. She posted pictures on Insta of her visiting him. So? Unless they were accompanied by captions like 'spending time with my bro now he's out of the clutches of that witch he was married to' then I can't see the problem.

It's entirely normal to take your own sibling's side in a break-up, especially if you and she were never especially close to start with.

You say she took great delight in the thought of you splitting up, but how do you actually know this? Did she tell your DH this to his face and he told you?

This is always a problem when a couple break up. People start saying 'well we never liked him/her much anyway, you can do better.' Then it all gets a bit awkward when they get back together or don't split up after all..........

You sound as if you are letting yourself get yourself into a stew over it unnecessarily. Stop obsessing over what she thinks of you and what your MIL thinks of you. You admit you don't like them much anyway, so be glad of the chance to keep your distance a bit. Turn up to things as required, avoid the contact with them as much as you can the rest of the time. But when you can't avoid it, just smile, nod, stay polite and civil but slightly distant. Don't tell them anything they don't need to know. Keep your powder dry. And don't let them see they are getting to you.

Maybe over dramatic, but my DM and her 3 sisters were a bit like this! One or the other bitching about one or the other, maybe not non stop, but often enough…

All but one of the 4 are gone now, but I still remember a family get together where I escaped to the garden with a cousin (dd of one of them) who knew the score all too well and said, , ‘Let’s face it, Susie, they’re all mad.’ (We shared a hollow laugh..)

Dumping your grandchildren is definitely not supporting them in any way and who doesn’t want to make sure their grandchildren are ok?
I agree that kind people would reach out to the split partner too.

Did you laugh in her face and post about doing so on Instagram?

OP, your husband sounds awful.
Don't waste your future on him or his family.
Sounds like they all treat you badly.
He didn't lick it off a stone.

Can your family help you get out of this marriage? You deserve better.

Can your family help you get out of this marriage?

I've checked back and can't see anywhere that the OP says she wants to get out of her marriage??

When DH and I split my parents and siblings offered to reach out to my DH and talk to him to see if they could help

Well that would be a no from me. Goodness!!

Sorry OP, I also can’t see an issue with what she did. If things got shitty here I’d want my family to pick a side and it had better be mine! Having said that whilst I am in a happy relationship I would expect them to support us both and to make DP feel welcome

If I were you, I wouldn't go to this anniversary meal. While your family reached out and tried to support your DH, your PILs just ignored you and your SIL actively encouraged him to leave you. I doubt that any of them will be friendly and your SIL might be downright rude. You won't enjoy it and you will probably be upset.

What is your relationship with your DH like now? Are you glad that you stayed in the marriage?

When this happened, that is, my DH had a mid life crisis, my brothers of similar age, profession, and long marriages offered to take him for a pint and see what was bothering him with no judgment. Nothing too interfering!

That is massively interfering. How many brothers? Sounds like an intervention!

The idea of it alone is hilarious, as is the idea that the OP’s brothers were qualified to dispense marital advice because they’re also married and the same age. ‘So, Dave, what was it made you buy a Maserati and decide to ditch our sis for busty Danielle who works behind the bar at the Three Tuns?’

No, my brothers offered to meet him individually

If you're having problems within your marriage, I imagine your partner's siblings would be the very LAST people you'd want to discuss it with.
Isn't this obvious? Or is it just me who thinks that.?

You don’t have to go to the dinner ?

Op I don’t think you’ve said what your DH thinks of all this or what he wants? Does he think his family are unpleasant to you or does he think you’re exaggerating? Is it important to him you and Dc go to the dinner?

My DH stays out of their dramas and thinks their petty squabbles are pathetic. He knows that they fall out and argue with each other and thinks it’s ridiculous. He thinks they are a nightmare.

However, when it comes to me mentioning something they did or said to me, he didn’t see it, or they didn’t mean it like that and I’m taking it the wrong way 🤷

So presumably he thinks you’re an equally insane drama llama when you opine about your SIL gleefully stabbing you in the heart and dancing on your grave?

Well I think you are going to be ill.
I had a nasty sil. She was manipulative and a cow. I only ever saw her at family events about twice a year. She was then hideous at one of those and from that point on, if she was there i would develop a mystery illness and just not go.

Why are you even meeting these people. Just don't.

I think most siblings would take sides and help their sibling out. I’d take my brothers side and house him and my niece and nephew! I don’t really see it as being nasty to you just being a good sibling. It was nice she went out of her way to see him and make sure he was ok.