DH regretting house purchase - don’t know what to do

[CoffeeBooksRats]

Has anyone else got experience of this or advice on what I should do…?

Me, DH and our three DC moved house 6 months ago into what was meant to be our “forever” house. We’ve already done a significant amount of work to the house and garden, kids are really settled, walking to school with friend who live on the same street etc.

DH now saying he regrets the house purchase due to location of the house (he likes the area but not the specific street due to traffic noise). He thinks that any changes we can make to the house (eg soundproofing) will never be enough and that we should put the house back on the market. For context it’s a b road in a city suburb. There is traffic noise, but it doesn’t bother the rest of us at all. We seem to be able to zone it out, but DH says he cannot.

I’m absolutely devastated and don’t know what to do. I find the stress of moving house incredibly difficult and I don’t want to uproot our family again. AIBU? What would you do? Does anyone have experience of this kind of situation?

It’s really hard to sell under about 2 years because it looks suspicious, if after 2 years he hasn’t adjusted then consider it. Im the opposite I still find my house too quiet and dark at night, I’m a city girl at heart

We bought on a b road and never got used to it- it was just too noisy during the summer nights if we needed windows open. However, we did stay there for 7 years before selling up. I wouldn’t be rushing into selling and potentially losing money

That’s a really good point!!

sorry to raise this - but is there a chance he is questioning the marriage? ie planning on selling the house and then telling you he wants to leave / have found another? It seems unusual to put that much work into a house and then decide noise is too much.

This :-). Move to the quietest bedroom?
Can you move living room from front to back?

It's definitely not the market to sell right now, think as pp say tell him a couple of years

Why dont you ask him to compromise for a bit since 4 of you are really happy and settled. He could at least try sound proofing and give it another 6 months. And point out that very few houses are ideal you can have rooms too small, too big, wrong shape for furniture, annoying neighbour's, house too hot or too cold, lack of parking, leaky garage dodgy electrics, the list goes on and on and most people will tell you they have niggles with house or garden or neighbours. I have same problem very noisy traffic at front so I swapped the living room to back of house and put a porch on front door and new windows. Not an option for all I know but everything is a compromise in the end. You could all draw a list up of the top 3 things that are important to each of you regarding where you live and what each of you are happy to compromise on. Hopefully that way he will see its not all about him. Oh and maybe get him some earplugs to sleep with. Xxx

Would he agree to a thorough hearing test? Mild hearing loss can happen from early middle age. Sometimes noise feels overwhelming or sounds exaggerated. @CoffeeBooksRats

I live on a main road and honestly dont noticethe traffic noise. I like thati feel part of everyday life having retired whilst here..people going to school, work etc. i findvery quiet roads a bit too quiet now when i visit people.

We moved to a slightly noisier street and I regretted it. I’m super noise sensitive. Took me about a year but I don’t hear it now. We couldn’t afford to move again anyway so I had to make my mind up to ignore it.

I recently moved and also feel like your DH. I spend a lot of time on Rightmove and can’t relax. I’m wondering if I will settle after a while. It’s a bad feeling.

I’m a lone parent, but in your DH’s situation it’d help to be told it’s just a house, you love him and want him to be happy, and let’s make the most of it for a probationary period (like, a year or two). Then see.

The simple answer is to suck it up and move to a better house and or location

OP, is it possible your DH might have misophonia - has he been bothered by certain sounds before? If so, I find earplugs and/or white noise really helpful.

I was about to suggest this. The "wrong" noises are almost a physical pain, so I feel for him.

But moving house really isn't fair to the rest of you and I agree with everyone who says to say he can move after 2 years if he's still having the same problems.

Meanwhile I suspect air con will be even worse, it isn't quiet unless you can go for the really expensive option of the unit being on the outside wall (which is often against newer estate covenants or requires planning consent).

I feel for all of you, this is a real problem, I hope you find an acceptable solution.

Is the road at the front or back of house? Growing a tall hedge really helps absorb the noise.

@Jan24680 what is a "boomer bungalow"? A house that makes loud noises to remind you of your prejudice?

This was me…. I had the regret.

Carpets in bedrooms
Heavy/lined curtains
Plants
Tall dense hedge

Basically anything that can absorb noise.

I also installed secondary glazing which made a massive difference- pleased to report it doesn’t bother me anymore. It’s not tranquil, but it’s totally liveable.

Too early to move again. What is upsetting him the most, noise indoors or out doors in the garden etc? Indoors you could try acoustic panels, outside having a water feature really helps with traffic noise.

It is a bad time to try and sell currently. It will really put off potential buyers when they find out you have only been there 6mths.

Give it atleast another 3mths and try to focus on the reasons why you made the move and what you loved about the property.

We relocated in the lockdown, it took me longer to settle than my family, so I get it. We are still here and I love it, wouldn’t dream of moving now.

This was my theory, five years ago. I’m still waiting!

We moved from a tiny village to a city. Took me a year to start being able to sleep

House buying remorse is a thing. It takes a while for a house to feel like home. I sat and cried in my (lovely) new house on the first night as I was so homesick. I love it now, but it took time. If you’ve moved for the right reasons and both made the decision then you need to stick with it.

We have just bought a house and we are both struggling with buyer's remorse. There's so many things we didn't notice during February viewing (insanely hot upstairs! Overgrown garden! No sun in garden!) and you make these massive purchases with less chance to look at it than you might consider buying a new dress online! But I also know I have felt remorse and overwhelm every time I move and it always gets better.

Sorry to mention it but is your relationship otherwise happy? If you and the kids are settled could it be that he moves out?

Is it possible there is something else going on with him he's not acknowledging or sharing?

Few people could afford to lose the money selling and buying again would cost. Now or in two or three years. He should do whatever he can to handle the situation and get on with it!

I agree with the above! The biggest purchase of your life and you’re allowed to dither over a new dress for longer…

In terms of dealing with people, my husband is also more of an emotive thinker than me, I’m more logical. And in terms of house buying - 6 months is about 2 minutes. This is still a knee/jerk reaction to something that needs to settle.

However I know that he is also someone who learns by doing. If your husband is similar, he might also be most likely to come to terms with things over time. Although I am often tempted to say ‘Ffs just deal with it and you’ll be fine with it soon enough’. I know that wouldn’t work.

Like someone here said, actually sit down and work out all the moving costs and practical issues of moving again - and KEY thing here - in a positive tone of voice like you’re actually considering it also. Then lightly say ‘hmmm yes all that is a lot right now, I think really our best option is to give it 3 years due to xyz. Then review if you still want to move’.

Highly likely he won’t in 3 years. However it’s reassuring he’s not trapped and you both now have a practical pathway rather than just swirling regret.

Also, not-moving is the action of no effort. It takes a lot of pro-active action to actually move - if you can stave off any knee-jerk decisions at the beginning, and just drift along and not do things - You won’t get round to moving 😆

And am not just saying that so you can ‘win’, you will probably both be genuinely happier x