AIBU? - Don’t want b in law’s hug hello and goodbye every time we meet.

[Par1sappartment]

Ok, maybe be I’m over reacting. Please tell me if I am. Not sure how to deal with it.
B in law is married to dh’s sister.
Each time we meet up with them to catch up, instead of a polite, brief hug, he always grabs me by the waist and jiggles what little fat I have there. I hate it.
I can’t tell him in front of everyone as him and his wife would be greatly offended.
His wife is the village gossip, literally, and I would be made out to be the bad one.
He doesn’t do that to my dh’s brother’s wife as I have watched to see if he does that it with everyone. He doesn’t.
The thing is, there are certain people I don’t appreciate a hug from. I like to reserve a hug for my son and his wife, my husband and my best friend only.
a) I’m over reacting, put up and shut up
b) Please suggest ways I can stop it happening without saying anything
Thank you in advance.

Imo you need 2 wooden chip shop forks. Quick jab in the fucker's sides and smile like nothing happened..
Fucking letch..
Or make sure you are holding a hot cup of coffee. Oops...

Step back from him, put your hand up and state firmly 'no thank you'. Ignore any excuses or reasons he has why you're wrong or difficult.

Or

Tell him to get his hands off you and keep them to himself. Let them be offended and let her gossip about her husband being a disgusting letch. No one is going to think you're in the wrong for not wanting her husband treating you like that.

You need to say what you would say to anyone who was grabbing you in a way you didn't like, and do what you'd tell your DC to do.

You won't be the only one who doesn't like being grabbed by Barry, don't let the village gossip frighten you.

Don’t allow a hug at all. Greet him with a firm handshake or fold your arms, turn away or say you have a virus. He’s being rude by doing that so don’t be afraid to be rude back

Coukd you say ‘no hug thanks I’m not feeling 100%’ otherwise - I don’t want a hug and just wave - that’s my method when I don’t want someone to hug me. I step back and wave at them.
What he is doing is deeply unpleasant fyi.

What is she going to gossip about? Her husband being a weirdo? Just say, "Please stop so I don't have to throat punch you."

Be more assertive. It is your body.

I have been there. I’m embarrassed to say I never dealt with it. Divorce was my salvation (the offending relative, he moved abroad).

Don’t be like me. Every family gathering for years was ruined for me by anticipatory anxiety over this perve groping me (it was worse than a hug and also involved kissing). Pluck up your courage and say ‘no hugs, I hate them!’ with a smile next time you see him. Jokey suggestions on here won’t do it. You have to say it, but it doesn’t need to be rude or offensive.

A friends father does this, I absolutely hated it, took me years to find my voice and as politely as I could, step back and say ‘ no hugs I prefer not to. ‘
he got arsey with me first few times I rejected his over familiar hug and sloppy kiss 🤢 but soon learned I was not entertaining it anymore.
Fuck him if he’s offended.

Cough all over him next time!

The jiggling thing is awful but I think "reserving hugs" is strange.

Ow get off very loudly .

Yuk, I would also hate this.

Step back sharpish out of his reach. If he lunges at you, step away again. Continue to do that every single time. He will soon get the message. There’s no need to say anything.

thanks@armundhammer
she wouldn’t gossip about him, it would be me and it would be my fault. Nothing is ever her family’s fault. You know the type?

Why do you think that you might be overreacting?

He is revolting!

I think next time don't accept any contact at all.

If he asks why tell him he repulses you.
Step too far?

Tell him your fed up of him having a grope at your waist & would rather he didn't touch you at all?

My mother's advice was to punch an attacker in the face and then knee him. She had the theory that they were expecting the knee first. This may well be excessive in your situation. I think saying, "Get your hands off me, you filthy letch" would be in the spirit of my mother's approach. Why are you worrying about offending them when he seems to be openly groping you? He's certainly not worrying about offending you.

Alternatively, ask your husband to have a private word with him and tell him it's disrespectful behaviour. Years ago, I told my then partner that I certainly didn't like his best friend's handsy behaviour and to give my ex credit his friend never touched me again. My husband would never stand for this behaviour and my BILs wouldn't dream of it. Any hugs are brief and appropriate.

Just a loud “no hugs “ with your hand in a sort of outstretched stop sign. Then say “who’s for coffee?” Or something similar.
And repeat.
If the wife is offended, then she knows how you feel.

"What are you up to?" and take hold of hands, take them off.

(Can sometimes be less confrontational to respond to offensive behaviour with puzzled question, and sounds like OP needs non-confrontational approaches)

May need to rehearse follow-up. If "It was just a hug!" then "bit of a weird one, do you hug FIL like that?" Or is that too confrontational. Work along these lines and work it out.

Ugh I hate this too. You don't need to make excuses (and in any case you can't always have an infectious illness that you're so worried about passing on to DBiL).

Equally you don't have to be loud and angry about it, unless that's your personality and you can pull it off (in which case I doubt he'd be trying it on in the first place).

My tactic is always to put them on the back foot. Go up to him, beaming smile, right hand held out for a handshake. 'Great to see you Percival!' Duty done, quickly find a female relative to hug, if you want to.

It's always the toothless crusties who move in for the hug isn't it!

It would be your fault for not wanting a "hug" from your BIL?

So what would be all I would think!

Not really worth a mention is it?

How about grabbing his hands and saying 'dont be weird!' Directly to him? You arent making some kind of fuss and by getting ahead on calling him weird, and doing it in a lighthearted way, it makes it a bit harder for people to have issue with you.
To be clear, im only recommending this because you seem to want to not rock the boat. What i actually think you should do is go 'what the fuck are you doing'. And your husband should also be saying 'what the fuck are you doing??' To him.

This.

hi@lexibletheflexible
its not strange to me to reserve hugs for the people I love. Some people throw their arms round me every time we meet and although it’s an “acceptable” hug, I don’t want one if I really don’t like them much. I don’t think that is strange. If someone was unhappy with me hugging them, I wouldn’t be offended, but then I don’t throw my arms around everyone I meet. I think it’s OTT but that’s just my opinion, not everybody’s.

You’re married? Your husband knows? Make sure he’s standing beside you with his arm around your waist at goodbye moments.

Or preferably, ‘Piss off with your disgusting groping, BiL!’. Or ‘SiL, sort him out!’.

I think his type would probably respond to a fierce whisper in his ear "Get your fucking hands off me".

Alternatively, ask your DH to have a word man to man. It's his family so he should have your back on this.