AIBU? - Don’t want b in law’s hug hello and goodbye every time we meet.

[Par1sappartment]

Ok, maybe be I’m over reacting. Please tell me if I am. Not sure how to deal with it.
B in law is married to dh’s sister.
Each time we meet up with them to catch up, instead of a polite, brief hug, he always grabs me by the waist and jiggles what little fat I have there. I hate it.
I can’t tell him in front of everyone as him and his wife would be greatly offended.
His wife is the village gossip, literally, and I would be made out to be the bad one.
He doesn’t do that to my dh’s brother’s wife as I have watched to see if he does that it with everyone. He doesn’t.
The thing is, there are certain people I don’t appreciate a hug from. I like to reserve a hug for my son and his wife, my husband and my best friend only.
a) I’m over reacting, put up and shut up
b) Please suggest ways I can stop it happening without saying anything
Thank you in advance.

When I was a zillion years younger, I had similar from a friend of my parents. He gave these unwelcome slobbery kisses - loathsome.

One time he came over (with his wife who didn't hug or kiss) and I stepped back and shook my head. He was faux affronted said 'Ohhh someone's in a moody and doesn't want a kiss'. I said 'But you're not a good kisser'. He came back with a 'how would you know'. Which was creepy as I was younger than his daughter and I said 'Because, I have to wipe my face afterwards'.

Weirdly, his wife was very offended, she told my mother I was rude and had embarrassed him. My mother, although she didn't back me, dismissed it with a 'Teenagers'. Stopped him though.

God, the entitlement of these men! Sad cases who nobody wants to kiss, so they inflict themselves on female relatives and young women who they can shame or bully if rejected.

Pathetic too that they're often enabled by their OHs - who probably loathe them, but go along with it for whatever weird reasons of their own.

If you’re not comfortable telling him to piss off (which would be my first reaction) then have something in both hands in front of you - doesn’t matter what it is, something you’re taking out to the porch, a cushion you pluck from the sofa as you pass, a bottle of wine you’re giving them to take home. Have it firmly in front of you and slightly in advance, so he can’t get his arms around you. Bonus points if it’s a spiky cactus you want to take upstairs after they leave. I used to do this with a pile of files to deter an office feeler up hugger in the 90s, before I had my full grown woman anger, and it was surprisingly effective.

Yeuch, my friend's new BF is like this - instigated a full-body-contact hug the first time we met...

It's difficult to say anything isn't it, if you're not someone who finds it easy to be blunt...so I think you're going to have to make it physically impossible; was it the Labour party that suggested a one armed hug with the other hand/arm in between you and the would-be-hugger, so that there is minimal physical contact? I can't remember who it was now, but I've used it successfully on several occasions (just not quick enough with the new BF last time, but I will be next time).

My friend is not a hugger, we love her but we know not to touch her. It's ok and nothing to fall out about. If somebody becomes offended then it is their problem.

I agree with many others, find your voice and tell him you don't want him to touch you either at all or in the way he is.

He’s vile. You have to be assertive here, OP. A bloke grabbing your waist every time he sees you and you hating it is totally unacceptable. Why should your discomfort not matter at all? I’d react as if he grabbed my arse - “Woah! Hands to yourself, please!”

I'd put a hand up to wave at him and say "Hi" ensuring the hand blocks any attempt at a hug. while taking a step back. Friendly smile and quick group question.

If your BIL advances towards you, put your hands in front of you, in a stop gesture and say 'No thanks, hugs aren't my thing'. If he says something like 'well you've never complained/said no before' then smile sweetly and say 'I am now'. You don't need to be rude, just firm.

i hate it too. had to tell a male relative i wasn’t up for hugs and a kiss on both cheeks.

he was offended but i said it’s weird and i dont like it we are not in europe and nobody else i know does it so im not either thanks. and reiterated it. i fucking hate it.

I think next time he goes in for a hug, step back with a big friendly smile (if you want) and say ‘I’m not really much of a hugger’ . The smile is if you want to avoid them bitching, but obviously not necessary if you don’t care. Just a step back, same phrase, and a straight face , then move on ‘how are you etc’

Just take a jump back when he goes for a hug. And keep doing it, every time. Forget social graces, he's has none himself. Ugh.

Just step back, and if you can get behind a table or chair, all the better. Do it every single time. Then when he's backed off perhaps you could hold your hand out to shake. Don't let him do it. If it upsets his wife, so what?

I’m very clear with people. My response is always ‘I don’t touch people.’ Do I look weird? Probably, but only one person ever crossed my boundary and when it triggered a panic attack she got a bollocking from the people around us who had seen what happened.

Nobody touches me now 😂

My uncle does this and has done since I was a child and I absolutely hate it. About 20 years ago I stopped hugging him - I now just stand away from him and wave hello or goodbye. I feel like I can make it very clear without saying anything that a hug is not an option.

I wish I had the nerve to call him out but I don’t, so this is the method that works for me.

Hope it works for you OP because your BIL sounds like a creepy arsehole

So what if they’re offended? You are offended!

You’re going to have to say it out loud if non verbal communication hasn’t worked

Why are you worried about offending him by saying you don’t like it when he clearly doesn’t care about offending you. Who cares if you’re made out to be the bad guy, just be firm and say don’t do that please I don’t like it. What a strange man he is!

I think you're unreasonable for not telling him to keep his hands to himself.

If he doesn't have the social skills a kindergartner learns, the hell with him.

Disgusting. What is wrong with some men. Nobody has the right to touch you if you don’t want them to.
By the sounds of it he’s just a horrible pervy man who thinks he has the right to do whatever he wants. But it does raise an interesting point with huggers/non huggers generally. We are a huggy family but my sister in law is not and she has told us all this. I never hug her. I don’t think my dad does either. My mum has chosen to completely ignore this and hugs her anyway and every time she does it, it makes me cringe and think she’s asked us not to. I don’t know, maybe if it bothered her that much she’d say something again. But it’s not great to ignore how someone feels about this just because you don’t understand or don’t agree. But then again it also feels weird me hugging everyone else and not her, like it looks like I don’t like her, which I do! But every time I feel weird about it I remind myself I’m respecting her wishes!

If you don’t feel confident enough to challenge him, although I really hope you can find the courage, just ask your husband to challenge him next time he does it, or ask him what he’s doing to you.

Have you told your husband how you feel?
Sometimes men just don't get it.
Years ago my husband (then boyfriend) and a large group were in a pub.
I went to the bar and a really drunk man couldn't keep his hands to himself until I put him right in his place.
My husband and male flatmate thought it was really funny until I pointed put that I had just been sexually assaulted in front of them and they did nothing. It certainly gave them food for thought and he has always been on the ball ever since.

I'm not a hugger and I make it crystal clear to everybody that I do not want to be hugged . I love hugs from my partner, my son, and my stepson that is it. I have lots of lovely hugger friends who hug everyone apart from me or anyone else say no doesn't like it they're not offended, they're not bothered. There are some people I meet that I'd quite like to punch in the face but I don't. we all have to restrain ourselves at times He doesn't have a right to hug you.

I agree with this approach as you are unlikely to cut them out of your life so say something like “what on EARTH do you think you are doing??!!” And depending on how he answers “just giving you a hug” reply that no one else “pinched your waist/ jiggles you when they hug” if he says it funny reply that it’s definitely not! Not sure how he could spin it that it’s fine - and if they try to say you are over reacting reply that you can choose how you are touched and we teach our kids this now as a matter of course and surely he can respect women’s bodily autonomy - look at him straight in the eye so he knows you aren’t embarrassed (but that he should be)

Next time he does this, just whisper ‘such a cunt’ in his ear, with a distant smile, every single time. Deny it if challenged. Be your usual pleasant self and change it up with twat or wanker at will.

I thought you were being unreasonable from the title but now I’ve read about the jiggling I think you’re within your rights to punch him!
I would either jiggle him back for a loooong time whilst laughing manically or firmly tell him to stop.
Don’t be scared of putting this weirdo in his place.