AIBU? - Don’t want b in law’s hug hello and goodbye every time we meet.

[Par1sappartment]

Ok, maybe be I’m over reacting. Please tell me if I am. Not sure how to deal with it.
B in law is married to dh’s sister.
Each time we meet up with them to catch up, instead of a polite, brief hug, he always grabs me by the waist and jiggles what little fat I have there. I hate it.
I can’t tell him in front of everyone as him and his wife would be greatly offended.
His wife is the village gossip, literally, and I would be made out to be the bad one.
He doesn’t do that to my dh’s brother’s wife as I have watched to see if he does that it with everyone. He doesn’t.
The thing is, there are certain people I don’t appreciate a hug from. I like to reserve a hug for my son and his wife, my husband and my best friend only.
a) I’m over reacting, put up and shut up
b) Please suggest ways I can stop it happening without saying anything
Thank you in advance.

@LesSanglotsLonguesDesViolonsDAutomne I read that as pile of flies when I first read your post😂 Maybe a pile of flies would help OP. Honestly some men are just vile. I had a man years ago behind me on an escalator pressed up against me. I ‘accidentally’ elbowed him very hard in the midriff. I apologised and said I didn’t realise someone was standing so close to me. I would stamp hard on your BIL’s instep @Par1sappartment and then apologise profusely as if was a mistake. Do it every time saying ‘oh sorry I am so clumsy’.

I'm absolutely with you on that @Par1sappartment . Hugs are reserved for people you love.

Personally I think you need to "grow a pair'. Finger stab to the adams apple followed by a knee to the groin would be my response.

Failing that (as it's clearly not your style 😁), just put your hand out palm forward and say "no hugs today I don't want you to catch my bug". And say that every time. If anyone says "are you ill" just smile and say, it's not serious I just don't want you to catch it".

Prime your DH to support you by physically being in the way, perhaps with his arm round your waist - no need for any overt confrontation.

Hi op I would just have my arms down the side and when reaches out so I don’t like hugging so I would rather not thanks. Don’t hug any of them then there is no drama.

Just do the same back to him, in a more exaggerated way.

It's totally fine to reserve physical contact of any kind to anyone. Your body, your choice.

I totally get this. Husband’s brother always used to try going in for a hug when in-laws were around and I always pretty much stand in a far corner of the room so he knows it’s not wanted. He has been giving me the creeps since I was first going out with my husband and at the end of one night out he tried to put my hands in his jacket pockets……😣

Say, quite loudly: "I really wish you wouldn't do that!".
If he asks "What?" - tell him:
"When you grab me by my waist-flesh and wiggle me about. I don't like it. I wish you would stop doing it."
Calmly, in a nice, clear, 'carrying' tone (not shouting or raising your voice), but which is sufficient for people nearby to clearly understand what is going on.
Repeat as necessary.

Screw not offending them. Call him out and let them sit there with the awkwardness unapologetically. Say stop doing that or I don’t like that or I don’t want to give you a hug. I would also be speaking with my partner/spouse to let them know, and would expect that they also have your back in calling it out. This is exactly why this behaviour is so pervasive, because (usually) men aren’t called out on their vile behaviour.

I wouldn’t worry about your SIL gossiping about you as it doesn’t make him look good, either way. Anyway, the villagers will already have sussed what he's like.

He’s a horrible letch and you’re well within your rights to tell him to fuck off.

If you want a socially acceptable way of pointing it out, you could go with:

“haha, stop tickling me” and squirm away

“oof, that hurts!” And remove your body

”er, no thanks!” Little laugh

he's relying on your silence in order to maintain a polite/socially acceptable vibe and not rock the boat and meanwhile he gets to do whatever he likes. A small “jokey” but pointed comment may be all it takes to make him realise the game is up.

”

This is me. I reserve my hugs for my child, DH and a couple of friends that I am very close to. I don't like being touched, and I have no problem telling people that.

When he goes in for a hug, do it back, crying enthusiastically "jiggly, jiggly!"

Bonus points if he has a spare tyre of any kind.

.... in the real world I would do what @MaddestGranny suggests and say "I'm really ticklish actually, can you not do that" - no sorry or please, and in a firm schoolma'am sort of voice.

But. If you really cannot. Then tell your husband. Assuming you have any sort of good relationship, he shld help you out here.

I would go with "I have a bit of a tender/painful back/side/arm that acts up when pressure applied" so no hugs from me for the foreseeable until I get the all clear from my physio/GP etc, but its great to see you/been lovely to have you.
He is horrible and I am so sorry you have to deal with this, in an ideal world you could tell him to get his hands off you. But in the interest of keeping the peace I would go with the above, have DH, DC on board so they are not shocked when you mention this pain you are in. Similar situation worked for me before and you can continue it on by saying in a couple months "Im doing great now but wont chance a hug just incase as I am so worried to irritate it again" and leave it at this.
Also totally agree with reserving hugs for those you actually want to hug...it is your choice!

I’d have my arms wrapped around my waist and doge him sideways as he went in for it. “Nope!” Then busy yourself with something else immediately. He needs to learn that he has no access and he isn’t ever getting it again. He can get to fuck, and fuck his wife to hell and back. This way you’re not feeding the troll nor the gossip.

Why doesn't your husband tell him to stop this? Have you told him?? Or, like others suggested, have him stand next to you with his arm around your waist, and if B in law tried to hug you anyway, he will have an opportunity to stop him.

Tell him to stop it in a loud voice. He is being pervy and weird and you need to shut that down now. He is being a creep. Fuck what anyone think. Your body, your boundaries. Cheeky creep.

Why should she keep the peace? Hell no. He is counting on that the fucking creep.

"careful now bil, you could lose a hand doing that..." laughing

"don't touch that (waist) - it is mine...' laughing

"we know each other well enough now to skip the hugs - I remove the burden from you" laughing

"did you forget deodorant today?" laughing

I assume there are moments when you can be not overheard
You need 10 seconds to say ‘I really don’t like being mauled each time we meet so could you stop it. And if you don’t I will say this loudly in front of everyone and I don’t think anyone would like that. ‘
Smile and walk off

Had a family member's husband like this, back when I was a young and innocent, teenager, unwillling to be assertive. It involved tongues. Euurrghhhh...I had to leave the room and spit. I did eventually learn to turn my head away and bugger appearing a prude. Tell him you don't like it and to keep his fucking hands to himself. Wish I had.

I suggest digging your nails into the back of his hand every single time he does that. Sharpen them in anticipation.

God no, that is encouraging him. Except for the fuck if that is fine.

reserving hugs is not strange - some people have stronger physical boundaries which is absolutely their right. Thats the basis of consent and if we start criticising that as strange, women who need to draw those boundaries start to feel they shouldn’t. Slippery slope to other boundary crossing.

That's not a hug, he's feeling you up!
Yanbu