AIBU to stay part-time and cut costs instead of working full-time

[PartTimetoGainTime]

Dh recently decided I should work FT (he is FT I’ve been PT since dc). He knows that working PT is better for me for health reasons allowing me to pace my activity.

Me working FT would increase our income but if I stayed PT and cut back in the following areas we would save double what I’d earn by going FT -
I would give up my car
cancel cleaner
cancel gardener

I prefer to walk anyway and the dc school / my work is walkable or a short bus journey.
I feel the cleaner and gardener are a luxury we don’t need at all. I’d be happy to cut the grass once a week and as for cleaning I could easily do what the cleaner does (6 hours a week)

DH thinks it’s better that we keep them as he says it’s economically a better option as then we are helping others to be employed too but my focus is on the dc and my MH rather than helping the economy.

It was previously the agreement that he would be FT and me PT for as long as I wanted now I feel he’s changing the agreement ?

So what new daily tasks will dh take on when you’re at work 5 full days a week? Genuine question.

You really don’t need to cut grass once a week 😂 much better environmental to leave it. And 6 hours a week cleaning is insane. I think you should work FT but you can really cut back on gardener and cleaner time.

Working full time could tire you too much.
Taking on the gardening will likely help your MH.
I think you should stay part time but take on the gardening too.

See how that goes.
You could always, after another six months, try taking on the cleaning as well.

I would not give up the car as that will eat into your time when you need it. However, you could walk more and leave the car home sometimes when it suits. That would save on fuel.

Make a list of all the jobs that fall to you as part time worker including metal load and discuss what you going full time would look like and if he would be happy to take on half of those jobs as well as sharing childcare, drop offs and child sickness .
Both parents working full time puts a lot of strain on families (although for a lot of people there’s no choice)
Discuss other options, you could increase to four days as a compromise?
Look at savings made from child care, cleaner , gardener etc and see how much difference working those two extra days would make.

Except (from the sounds of it) she’s not paying for half of the lifestyle they share, and her husband is fed up with subsidising her.

Her options are to ask him to reduce their lifestyle cost, split up and pay her own way, go back to full time work, or refuse and risk him divorcing her anyway.

If I were the husband, I wouldn’t be keen to subsidise another adult for the rest of our lives because they didn’t fancy working full time. He probably doesn’t either!

Is your husband's job secure? Could he be worried about the future and is looking to protect the family from financial shocks?

Personally I would say you already work 3 days a week, that’s more than enough hours when you have primary age children. I assume you already have to rely on childcare after school, the extra money earned would get swallowed up in childcare costs and also the sheer rush of it all. It will be a lot to cope with mentally if you are working full time

She also has the children to look after, don’t forget that!

Seems like a bit of a stretch. OP said the plan was always for her to stay part time as long as she wants. And she's willing to make the necessary changes herself to continue to do so. Seems fair to me.

@PartTimetoGainTime I think people just tend to judge from their perspective. They don't take mh, other kids and household responsabilities in to the equation. I do not work and my children are teenagers although one is autistic so not very independant and very anxious. I have tried to work pt but got burnt out very quickly. If I was to work I would need a normal home life because my eldest is very hard work and my dh knows this and he is relieved to go away a couple of days every week. He does not want me in a psychiatric hospital so I am responsible for home and children and he works. If you were to go ft will your dh step up at home? Ask him this because it's easy for him to tell you to work ft while not acknowlidging everything you do at home...

She does work.

Op just to get a better idea of how your house works

who does all the house admin,ie insurances utilities,renewals and general financial
running and keeping an eye on accounts?

is your husbands point that things are getting more expensive so not as much is being saved?

do you have a big mortgage commitment?

if you were full time have you worked out what the extras will cost?

is your garden really just putting a mower over the grass once a week?or is it more than that?

do you have a large house that a cleaner takes 6 hours per week to clean?or does she do other stuff aswell like ironing and tidying?

If she does is that because you struggle to do those tasks yourself?

sorry for the questions but I think you will get a more accurate response if these questions are answered.

you have to remember that peoples opinions can change over time

perhaps his idea of “as long as possible “ was made under an implicit assumption that it wouldn’t be that long , or perhaps the pressures of being the primary financial provider turned out to be more stressful than he thought

you need to talk and you need to make sure it’s about both of your needs and thoughts

I thought you were going to say the children were secondary school age! Some mums get back to full time while the children are small and more power to them but some stick with part time because it’s what works for the family. I think you need to have a frank conversation with husband and figure out a path together, him pressuring you is not helpful.

This was going to be my question too. Has he thought through how much extra he’ll have to do in terms of childcare and daily tasks if you’re back at work FT?

I’m not sure your plan is wholly feasible though. Six hours cleaning a week (that’s at least one full school day) and then the gardening on top. Sounds like it’ll be too much for you.

I think you should stay part time, get rid of the car and keep at least one of the cleaner and gardener. I bet you still look after the kids before and after school so you’re hardly contributing nothing.

As you're youngest is 4 it isn't wild that you're still part time for the moment. In school holidays, you only need to find childcare for 3 out of 5 days, it's easier to juggle around days if a child is ill, when they're that young a lot of after school clubs are earlier in the evening.

I hear you on needing something that enables you to look after your mental health too. Without asking too much detail about your current job, I'm assuming it's a 3 days of standard office hours out of the house? Rather than ramping that same job up to 5 full days, could you discuss an alternative approach with an extra job which is something you can do from home, or something you can have more control over the pace of? Or that's just term time?

I've never had a cleaner or a gardener, those are luxuries to me. I understand that he employed them to help you when you had a MH crisis. His argument that it's helping the economy is maddeningly decentralising you his wife from your own life decisions.

When your youngest child it is not at all mad to still be working some reduced hours. I can see some people mentioning your pension contributions and there's a bit of a vibe from some posters implying that you're some sort of lazy bum who's coasting by on your husband's generosity while actually with young children and mental health issues you've shared out the needs of your whole family household as a partnership.

Has he costed up the school wrap around costs and school holiday childcare costs if you were to return to 5 full days. How flexible is your employer? Would they be open to you increasing your days? Do you have any options for taking on some freelance work or some more casual work or home working you could do to supplement your income without going to a full 5 office days?

I went p/t after my first baby, had our next when he was three and a half so it made sense to be p/t 3 days in the office for several years. As I've suggested, rather than ask for my original role to increase back to 5 days, I took on freelance work in the same industry which I was able to do while they were in school or in evenings/weekends and really helped my career longer term. I built my network, developed some really interesting and useful contacts, gained valuable experience in other elements of the sector I work in. I got a WFH p/t job about 10 years ago and then started doing 2 days in person at another place. I left there when I went full time in another wfh role a few years ago. I've never not worked. I don't have MH issues but my employers are very flexible and understanding about removing barriers for colleagues with health needs or disabilities. It doesn't have to be a world where you have to do 5 full days in an office because your husband demands it. You can increase your income in other ways while still looking out for your personal wellbeing and having the flexibility we often need as parents of young children.

But she already is working part time, the way I read it? So that wouldn't apply, or would it OP, as assume you're already working at least one day a week.
Having the time with kids would be a really good thing, so if you can afford it, why not get the best of all worlds? Being part time often means you can support the whole family/friends, and from older people who have worked all ways, part-time can be the best,. as relationships matter as much as money. Depends on your job, but some jobs are very full on and leave little time for other things.

Not for the time they’re both in school, and it sounds like they’re already using wraparound care three days a week for the elder child.

I’m not saying OP is unreasonable, but there are too many factors involved for us to decide. If she’s working a low paid job, it won’t be a financial incentive from her husband but an emotional one. He’s the one she needs to convince, not us.

What about cutting costs now, but increasing to 4 days a couple of weeks after the youngest starts school. Kind of a compromise.

I know a few people who work 4 days due to either MH or other medical conditions. Both take Wednesday as their day off. I thought that sounded like a bad deal, but both love it. Their reasoning is that when they do go to work, they know it's never for more than two days before they get a day off. Also, one is older with thyroid issues, she says for her it's a great recharge day. She tackles her house in the morning and enjoys her mid morning and afternoon in her clean and quiet space.

I've always worked full time. Even when each of my 4 kids was small. There was no paid maternity leave, so I was back to work pretty quickly. This means my pension looks great and now people tell us how 'lucky' we are to afford some of the extras we have. I worked bloody hard to be in this position, but it has paid off for us.

Maybe your husband is feeling resentful of carrying the financial load, maybe he's starting to think longer term, with both university costs and pensions. You could cut back on costs, but that won't boost your lifestyle as a family.

Kindly OP, your husband is perfectly entitled to change his mind.
Neither of you have the right to insist on one particular way or the other and asking the opinions of random internet strangers is completely irrelevant- you both need to be on side with whatever arrangement you make. Just expecting him to forever roll over and work longer and harder than you is completely unfair.

Before you agree to even a trial, you need to ensure that your DH is agreed to up his input for all life admin & everything else you don't currently outsource eg: shopping, meal planning, cooking etc. If he wants you to increase your hours then he's going to have to increase his input so that it doesn't all fall on you and your MH suffers.

Personally I would:

• Up my days to 4 days a week and save the extra 1 days pay.
• Cut cleaner to 2 hours a week - ive never heard of anyone needing a cleaner for 6 hours a week.
• Sacrifice the gardener and cut the grass myself.

That way you're still upping hours and saving money - but you aren't going fully full time.

I work pt, you don't need a gardener or a cleaner, my day off is used to clean the house and have a morning run. Are you struggling financially? I would think twice about giving up your car. I would say to him you will canx the cleaner and gardening and try doing it yourself for 3 months then you can discuss it again then. Personally I would hate to work full time. Having a day off is really good so I can swap days around and attend my child's events. Being a parent and doing school runs and pick ups is a big part of being a parent even though it seems it's not valued on mumsnet, it's all about how much you earn. As pp have said if you both work full time he also needs to pull his weight with childcare and house chores. I wonder how he will feel once he realises this.

I don't think my former boss understood the benefit of my Wednesday off Vs the more classical Monday/friday. It was a bit annoying as there were project review meetings on Wednesday so I either needed to attend for 2-3h once every 6-8 weeks when my project was up for review or get a colleague to present my aspect of the project.

Then we had an all day event with travel where I agreed to attend for a day in lieu on a Wednesday. By half 9 on the Thursday when I hadn't barely been able to open an email. I had to ask to use my day in lieu as I wasn't in a fit state to work. He then suggested that I automatically take the Thursday off if I ever had to work a Wednesday, more actively tried to avoid all day meetings on a Wednesday and when there was an opportunity to rejig the project review process the meetings were moved to day that everyone in the company worked.

The midweek break meant I got to recharge before I needed to recharge which allowed me to be more functioning in my free time.

My partner has said given the choice he would only work 4 days too and I know quite a few families where both parents work 3 or 4 days but his role is one where there the amount of work couldn't be adjusted so he would be doing the same amount of work but in 4 days instead of 5 and for 20% less pay.

Your mental health is completely fundamental to the well being of your child and also to your family unit OP and you are right to prioritise it and to try to establish how best to manage it. Not everyone will understand this but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
When one partner works part time it typically benefits the other partner too ime if they have less domestic and childcare responsibilities plus it will benefit your DH if your MH is better and you are happier.