AIBU to stay part-time and cut costs instead of working full-time

[PartTimetoGainTime]

Dh recently decided I should work FT (he is FT I’ve been PT since dc). He knows that working PT is better for me for health reasons allowing me to pace my activity.

Me working FT would increase our income but if I stayed PT and cut back in the following areas we would save double what I’d earn by going FT -
I would give up my car
cancel cleaner
cancel gardener

I prefer to walk anyway and the dc school / my work is walkable or a short bus journey.
I feel the cleaner and gardener are a luxury we don’t need at all. I’d be happy to cut the grass once a week and as for cleaning I could easily do what the cleaner does (6 hours a week)

DH thinks it’s better that we keep them as he says it’s economically a better option as then we are helping others to be employed too but my focus is on the dc and my MH rather than helping the economy.

It was previously the agreement that he would be FT and me PT for as long as I wanted now I feel he’s changing the agreement ?

Our situation is a bit more complex because although we have children together, he also has older children from a previous relationship, so we don’t share finances. We’re also not married. Being there for my children (they’re currently pre-school age) is more important to me currently than building up savings or subsidising the wider family.

In a nuclear/married family I do see your point though.

Part time only works whilst you are both in agreement. As DH is no longer in agreement, you need to go FT. Being the bread winner is stressful, especially during a time of ever increasing costs

Hmmm. I wouldn’t want to work full time under any circumstances so I do see your side.

But. Being in a relationship with someone who uses a personality disorder as an excuse would be frustrating, so I can also see his side.

Could you compromise by going to 4 days a week? The car / gardener / cleaner thing will be annoying for him as they’ll actually make his experience worse in a lot of ways. Realistically you are not going to do those tasks to the same standard as a professional. He’s also going to have to pick up driving for you at least sometimes.

If you’re routinely doing all the domestic stuff not covered by the cleaner/gardener - have you pointed this out to him and what does he say?

and what happens when the ft worker also doesn’t want to work ft?

I think this is one where no one is right. Does your partner understand the extent of what he’ll need to do once you work full time? Half of the cooking, half of the laundry, half of the baths, half of the ironing, planning the weekly shop, doing the weekly shop every other week etc. Being available when school calls to bring the children home. I would put him as primary contact for school for one of children so any unscheduled pickups are shared fairly. Any upcoming dental or medical appointments you’ll need him to cover? Will he organise the cleaner or the gardener in future? You’ll do the other one. Any lifts you are covering for the kids?

Make a full list of everything you do and sit down and work out with him exactly what he will cover in a 50 percent split.

It is really, really hard when you both work full time and he needs to understand what a big impact this will have on him. It will not be that you go back to work full time and continue to do all the family mental load and tasks….

I suspect this will be very effective in changing his mind. You could do a trial two weeks to ensure it works before you go back. But you’ll need to stick to your guns and not pick up the phone to school so they call him and moan..,

It’s a difficult one. Your children are still quite young so I see your view point. But, he’s also fed up of being the only ft worker.
What do you do now with your time when your children are at school and your off as you have a cleaner?

I dropped to part-time after having my daughter, not because I wanted to be but because after having had severe pnd (I'm bipolar) I found I was unable to work full time. I did a phased return after going from maternity leave to sick leave as I was still in a mother and baby unit when I finished my maternity leave. I found I couldn't work more than 2 days in a row so I went back 4 days a week with Wednesdays off. I had my daughter at home with me and we made those days about just me and her to give me something I had missed out on during maternity leave and to give me the rest I needed to work the other 4 days.

Once she started school, it was clear I still needed that day to rest and look after my mental health although I was now able to do some of the house work. I've since been made redundant, had our second child, developed severe fatigue and pnd although not as badly this time. My partner is supporting me in finding work, when I'm able to and in a capacity that would mean I can be there for myself and the children. Have you come across the spoons theory? I find it really helpful on describing to people what it is that I get from my rest days.

When I first proposed to my partner that I dropped down to 3 or 4 days I did a calculation looking at the difference it would make to my take home pay and our monthly budget. 4 days a week was a 20% drop in my full salary but only a 10% drop to my take home pay. Once we factored in the drop in commuting and childcare we would be about £50-100 month worse off at 4 days a week and about £300 a month for 3 days a week. We decided to aim for 4 days a week and to see how we go.

I think things like being part time do need periodic reviews for see if things still hold. We were on the verge of doing this when I was made redundant. I was going to give myself until the Feb half term before I decided if I wanted to keep at 32h over 4 days, do 36h as 4 full days plus a half day or 32h hours over 5 days. We would have repeated the analysis we did at the start again to find the right balance between my wellbeing and the house hold expenditure.

I would look pragmatically at the different situations
What would the increase to full time hours give you financially and what would you do with this money?
How many of your work is needed to cover the cost of the gardener and cleaner?.
What would you like to do as a family now that you can't do because of finances?
Have you had lifestyle creep? Are you spending on things you weren't previously and are these things still valid use of your money?

The MN community is generally very negative towards anyone who doesn't run themselves ragged working full time whilst also cooking from scratch and 'making time for hobbies' and being the perfect parent alongside.

It's all very individual to health, tolerance and family circumstances. What matters here is doing something that pleases both parties whilst also protecting your health.

Any compromise? Do 4 days instead of 3 for example?

I don't think you will find an answer here. It's all very subjective and depends on the reason your husband is giving that you should go back to work. If he says you will save more money (what are you saving for?), check if you can save it in different ways. But yes, he might not believe you will do all the gardening and the cleaning. However, your kids are still quite young, I wouldn't be putting them at school till 6pm every day... are any of you working from home?

But OP isn’t saying she wants to stop working - she wants to carry on working part time !

there was also research showing that the optimal number of hours to work for peak happiness was something like 4 hours a day- a dream for most of us !

I’d like to understand from your DH why this is important to him. Is it financial? Is it he thinks it will be better for you? Is he resentful that you are not making as much effort as him (in his eyes)? I think you need to insert what the issue is if you want to find a resolution that does not mean FT work. Personally I don’t think it is necessarily unreasonable to expect you to contribute more if he feels it is unbalanced. HOWEVER if he expects you to work FT then the household load and childcare needs to be shared too. E.g, Ask him which half of the school runs he will be picking up once you are FT, which of the standard chores (eg washing, shopping, cooking etc) he will be picking up. Make sure that if the children are sick he picks up half the emergency leave from work to care for them. He needs to get on the school comms for bake sale / fancy dress day etc etc…He may be begging you to go back PT soon.

Clearly not my job - I have had the WORST mental health of my life the last year I have been here. I am constantly over whelmed with home life and have had to pull over driving home because the desire to drive off the road as overwhelmed me to the point I scare myself.

If it was me...PT all the way with cut backs. Life is too short. I wish to god I had stayed in my last job.

When I moved jobs it was higher pay so the kids took on extra hobbies and other things. Now to back track I would have to take away things they love/rely on. So I at least have the comfort that whilst I am miserable, they are thriving there - though I am always exhausted and struggling to fit in time with them both arounf work/school and hobbies.

He’s no longer happy carrying the majority of the financial responsibility- thats okay. He is allowed to change his mind on that OP.

Yup if op can’t work full time due to fear of burn out she’s going to spend her two days off fully cleaning and gardening. I doubt it. 6 hours of cleaning that’s a full school day.

That leaves one day for gardening / rest, without any stuff she normally does on those two days.

I think I’d rather be at work than spend 6hrs cleaning!

The fact that OP says they’d save double by cancelling the cleaner, gardener and her car makes me think it’s not actually financial, but that the husband feels she doesn’t pull her weight. Once both kids are at school, she would have two empty days with the housework and gardening done. She doesn’t mention PIP or registered disability, just that she’d rather not work full time.

It sounds like the husband has been very supportive but now the children will both be at school, he no longer agrees with her working part time. If he resents that, and is paying the majority of the bills, he may choose to divorce over continuing it.

In the situation described they can both go to four days. That’s fair.

OP - you can't put a price on mental/physical health.
Life is short do what works for you.x

Does your DH currently do half of all household and child related tasks? If not, ask him if he's happy to do exactly 50/50 of everything child related? School runs, admin, staying home when they are sick etc.

And is he happy to do half of everything house related? (I'm assuming the cleaner doesn't do everything and there's still laundry to consider, meals to cook, and food shopping to be done).

If he's not happy to pull his weight in the home, you can't be expected to go full time 🤷‍♀️

You can’t put a price on health but other people can choose not to subsidise you. Most of us would prefer not to work full time!

If OP got divorced and her husband got 50/50 or more, would she be able to support herself and her children by working three days a week?

I’ve got a day off today and the thought of spending the entire of it just cleaning is horrible.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve done some general
chores still but dropping the children off at school then cleaning non stop till pick up. No thank you.

Also the fact that between them they still need 6 hours on top of whatever is their normal clean.

Generally I don't think it's fair if 1 of you is PT and the other full time unless PT pays very well and/or you are both happy with the situation. I guess if your MH issues are serious then that could be different. I was PT when kids were primary aged, but went FT when they were at secondary school. I know my husband felt so much better when the pressure wasn't all on him to earn the money. But I don't have MH issues, so if you really think you can't do it, say so.

Yeah this.

work out the maths OP if you haven’t already and I bet you can show him it’s barely worth it.

your MH is, as the advert says, priceless.

Can’t believe he’d be happy to sacrifice your wellbeing just to keep paying a cleaner and gardener. Sod that.

Just read their ages. They are still pretty young. Easier to manage sickness, holidays etc when 1 of you is PT. I would try and talk him into delaying full time for a few years.

If you would rather walk, garden, clean etc yourself rather than work to pay others to do it, then do. No need to be a slave to capitalism. Make the money you need to pay for your lifestyle and adjust the lifestyle as you prefer.