To not want to hear comforting platitudes

[ZooblesSpringToLife]

My dad died 10 days ago and I'm devastated. It was sudden and I'm really struggling. Without exception everyone has said something along the lines of "At least he's with your mum now, that must be a comfort." It isn't a comfort at all. It's not even remotely a comfort.

I know everyone means well. I know it's the kind of thing people say when they're floundering. But... I want them to stop. I don't want to hear it. Every time another person says it I feel filled with irrational rage. Would it be dreadful if I asked people to stop?

no, I had really stupid things said when my dog died too. Like "oh you MUST get a replacement"

I’m so sorry. I don’t understand why people feel the need to do this. What is wrong with just saying “That’s absolutely awful and I’m so sorry this is happening to you”.

My partner and his mother are renowned for their “at least” comments, they would say it’s because they’re positive people who always try and see a silver lining but for me it’s just severely lacking in emotional intelligence.

I’m incredibly sorry for your loss OP.

Sorry OP, it is a shock.

I just think people are embarrassed and awkward, particulary the British, when it comes to bereavement, they don't know what to say.

We lost my lovely MIL very suddenly, heart attack. A lot of people said "oh it's good it was quick etc" and that annoyed me at the time because we missed her terribly.

But now I agree ... she was in her late 80s and was an independent lady, living alone, meeting friends/family for lunch, gardening etc, enjoying life ...... all the other deaths I've experienced have been horribly drawn out ... dementia, cancer etc. So yes it was a good thing for her, as good as these things can be!

My dh passed away and an utter dickwad of a person said to me, after his terminal cancer, it must feel like ‘ losing the leg of a table’. FFS.
talk about minimising a trauma. Pillock!

I lost a parent suddenly just over 2 years ago. It was a complete shock, no warning.
The fact that it was quick WAS a huge comfort to me. I didn’t mind people saying that, I didn’t mind people saying that they are in a better place now, I didn’t mind people saying they were with god (I am not religious but they were).
Unless they were being offensive (and no-one was), I didn’t mind what they said - they were saying it to comfort and support and that act was enough. Obviously nothing they said would change the outcome - they know that, I know that.

Obviously, I don’t mean this about the really insensitive comments such “I will hug my son tighter” to a grieving mother. That’s just stupid at best.

What are people meant to say though? Some people find it really offensive when people use the word ‘sorry.’ I’ve seen posts about it in here before. If people are trying to support you then just let them support you. They’re not going to say the perfect thing that you want to hear all the time.

I think you’re being over sensitive, which is understandable, but please remember that people are trying to help.

Really? It's stupid to ask people how they are doing and how they are feeling? Well, that's a surprise

No, there is no 'one size fits all' for how people feel following a bereavement but I find people open up to me because I listen and do not need to impose my own beliefs and feelings on to the grieving person. Indeed, I found that my feelings from the deaths of each of my parents were very different and processed in different ways as their deaths were different and my relationship with each of them was different.

Sorry that a question about how you are feeling would have pissed you off so much and that you would find someone who asks a "tool". Personanlly, I appreciate people who are genuinely interested in hearing my feelings and it's surprising to me that there are others who would be pissed off by that to the point that they would think that the person asking is somehow obnoxious.

Right now I have a friend who has a parent who is terminally ill and I most certainly have asked him how he is feeling. I couldn't imagine not doing so.

I'm very sorry for your loss, I know what grief feels like. But I do think yabu. People do their best to be consoling, it's not easy and they are trying to be kind. You have to focus on the intent I think.

yeah that would really upset me too. Not least because it would be a reminder at a vulnerable time that I no longer have either parent!

Well done for biting your tongue though, in recognition that they are genuinely trying to be kind.

But if you need to let off steam, I don't think anyone would hold it against you if you snapped not to say such a foolish thing. You need to be allowed to grieve, not suppress your feelings, and you would prefer it if they could just be there for you and not bring religion into it.

When my dad died, anyone who knew him would not have made any comments that implied life after death as he was very anti-religion. They would instead tell me some memories of him and express what a good/great man he was. This was lovely to hear.

From people who didn't know him, it was comforting when people said "I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do?" or if they'd lost a parent it was helpful to know others have been through the same grief, in fact, quite a few people younger than me and that made me feel lucky I had him for as long as 50 years when others lost their parent much younger.

Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss, it's a very tough time for you.

All the best

This is why people cross the street rather than deal with someone going through trauma. Close friends should know you well enough to offer genuine support, but those you aren't so close to simply won't have the words. No matter what phrase is suggested here some people will find it hurtful or insensitive. Honestly, I'm sure I'd rather hear something than nothing but I haven't lost a parent and I can't put myself in your shoes.

It makes complete sense op. You need someone to see you and recognise that actually this is indeed just shit. Part of life unfortunately but very much a shit part.

Usually these platitudes are more about the other person and their (probably quite genuine) want to make you feel better and 'fix' this in any way they can to try and give you comfort. But it feels so frustrating because what they're doing is actually centering their own discomfort with your pain rather than doing what you need which is just to meet you in that place where you are at. And where unfortunately you're probably going to be for a while until your system gradually processes and learns to grow around that pain. Which it will, but it takes time and it's a tough old journey.

I think you find someone you trust enough to have that conversation with and you say it and tell them what you need. And then hopefully they can step up to it.

Failing that some communities have death cafes where people comes together for a whole lot of reasons to just talk about death and grief and loss in a neutral way where they can confront it and feel heard. It might be worth exploring.

Or there's also bereavement counselling where you know you'll find someone who's neutral, who's there for you and who will sit with your pain for as long as you need.

You deserve to be heard and seen and to be allowed to feel your feelings because they're valid. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you're able to eat and rest and look after your physical needs while it's all so raw.

I know from when my parents, and DH died, that people don’t know what to say.

Just accept that people mean well. You’ll grieve in your own time.

One doesnt. It wasn't at all shit when my dad died, what was shit was his quality of life before it happened. His dying was a blessed relief, especially for him.

@ZooblesSpringToLife is fine to tell people she doesn't want to hear it but there's no magic formula that people can use so as not to offend.

You are not unreasonable at all op. Just tell them you don’t find it helpful and ask them to stop.

Some people are crass and thoughtless. Most are just out of their depth with grief.

My beloved daughter died, entirely unexpectedly, aged 24, 8 months ago. Most people did actually manage to say moderately ok things. But someone said “at least she wasn’t murdered”, someone else said “I just wouldn’t be able to cope if something happened to my daughter” (this after I confided I was having suicidal ideation”) and a couple of my other daughter’s friends said to her “I don’t know what I’d do if my sister died.”

I offer you my sincere condolences OP.

Completely understand you. I find stuff like that to be meaningless, trite nonsense as well, however well it's meant.

Sorry for your loss. Happened to me too. x

As much as I recognise people wish to be clumsily kind, blah blah … a tip for anyone who is "struggling with what to say"...

I'm so sorry I heard your father died is quite sufficient.

What do you think bereaved people want you to say? No one wants a resurrection, after all.

In trying to protect themselves from feeling silly they're making a painful process much harder.

Sorry OP but I think adults who can’t even manage an awkward "I'm sorry" are way too self absorbed, and it adds to your own pain.

I am sorry to hear about your dad and other heartbreaking stories of loss on here.

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad ❤️. It is indeed shit!

It IS all about you, its YOU that has lost your Dad, after losing your Mum. You don't have siblings. You are the main (maybe only?!) person that matters here.

My Dad died at only 65 while playing a sport he loved (not due to the sport, he was 'resting' at the time). I lost count of the number of people that said 'at least he died happy' or similar. He & my mum had been together since teenagers, but were only mid 60's & planned a retirement together, so 'you had lots of years together' didn't help much either, & other thoughtless comments.

i wanted to scream. Or reply with something pointed, but I didn't, I thanked them & screamed inside. I don't think saying anything helps because unless you have a repeat offender it's usually just the first time you speak to each person.

soon enough people will stop mentioning it at all & carry on with their day to day lives, natural but also hard for you 💕

As you know, you will learn to live alongside the grief, we have no choice, but you are allowed to just grieve for now & feel alone 🤗
plenty if us understand the pain you're going through. Vent away

Genuinely, i’m very sorry for your loss, OP.

I think (particularly for the newly bereaved) that this is righteous anger.
You’re allowed to feel it. People should expect you to feel it.