To not want to hear comforting platitudes

[ZooblesSpringToLife]

My dad died 10 days ago and I'm devastated. It was sudden and I'm really struggling. Without exception everyone has said something along the lines of "At least he's with your mum now, that must be a comfort." It isn't a comfort at all. It's not even remotely a comfort.

I know everyone means well. I know it's the kind of thing people say when they're floundering. But... I want them to stop. I don't want to hear it. Every time another person says it I feel filled with irrational rage. Would it be dreadful if I asked people to stop?

I am so sorry you have lost your mum. It is indeed unbearably shit. Sending you so much love and solidarity xx

Thank you and same to you xx

I did the same when i booked an appointment at my lovely hairdresser. I said "don't talk to me about it or I will cry"

I’ll say is as it is OP

It’s shit
it is normal to be sad
it is normal to be Angry
it is normal to be Exhausted
it is normal to be Numb
it is normal to feel nothing right hurt now
it is normal to have no appetite
it is normal to cry. Or not

People are insensitive and ridiculous. The amount that outright ignored me when I was grieving hurt me so much. I wanted to shout sorry if YOU are uncomfortable- suck it up!

RIP to your lovely dad and so very sorry for your loss.

I am sorry OP, it is shit when someone you love dies. There are no platitudes that will help. I don't think anyone said my mum was reunited with my dad after she died but then anyone close would know I don't believe in heaven and might get told so if they did! If people said that her suffering had ended, I would have agreed. My mum died from severe vascular dementia so when she died I was sad but also relieved for her that her suffering was over. It is a truly horrific disease. I think we all grieve differently so just know that people are trying to be nice and don't know what to say.

When my wife died after a short and brutal illness I knew very early on that I would not entertain the idea of allowing the many apparently well meaning idiots to say stupid things.

My particular pet hate is ‘passed’ or ‘loss’ she is neither of them but very certainly dead, I correct people still to this day more than 3 years later. A direct “She didn’t pass away she died” resets the conversation. It is particularly important if children are hearing about a death, they need certainty not to be told they are in another room or similar a better place.

People generally encounter death so
infrequently that they are awkward and make such a mess of it at a time when they should be doing better.

Do not feel guilty asking them to stop, it is your grief to navigate however you have to.

Just answer them honestly. 'Actually no, it doesn't make it better. I want him here, with me'. You don't owe it to anyone to spare their blushes when you're the one grieving. And giving people the feedback that any sympathy that starts with 'at least...' sounds like minimizing the tragedy.

Anything other than showing love (with a hug, or a message sending love), practical help (offering lifts or childcare, dropping off healthy meals, sharing advice re logistics or contacts), stating the obvious ("this is really shit"), and something positive, true and personal about the person who has died ("she was so much fun and she always made me feel really welcome here" or "he was a really kind soul and he made the best hot chocolate") can get in the bin.

Platitudes are just word guff and fairy tales. They mean well but that doesn't stop it being infuriating. Grief hurts. People say stupid stuff.

I completely agree OP. Imposing what is a de facto assumption of religious faith on a grieving person is awful behavior. When DH died I chased an un-invited local vicar off the drive……

I’m
sorry for your loss. It’s shit. Really shit. I promise you’ll feel in time but for now it’s shit.

I think people tend to say when comforted them when they lost someone. It’s important to remember that a lot of people who are saying these things have also lost someone close. As awful as it is, losing our grandparents/parents is normal and experienced by most over time… for some the thought they they are with a loved one is a comfort, others find that no suffering is a blessing, some share their happy memories … and others remember that it’s just awful and let you know they understand that. For some they try to play it safe and say ‘sorry for your loss’…but the truth is that you’re angry at the world and not at people who are trying their best to comfort you, because saying nothing can be worse.

Some people are idiots. When a close relative died after a horrible battle with cancer, age 52, a Christian friend said, "he's in heaven now, if only we could all be so lucky". I just stared at her until she asked "don't you agree?". I said no and moved away before saying something very impolite.

I’ve not read all the replies, but I feel you OP. I lost my dad over a year ago and was angry for a long time. Even now, when I hear people have lived to be older than him, I get annoyed at their audacity. Clearly it’s completely irrational.

My good friend sent me a condolences card and I threw it in the bin in a fit of rage at the triteness. People are just doing their best though. They don’t know what to say and don’t mean to make it worse. I tried to hold my tongue knowing that it wasn’t from a place of malice and I’d feel differently (much) later in the future.

Sending you good wishes at this awful time.

OP it is bloody awful your dad has died so suddenly. It is really difficult to know what to say when you first come into contact with someone once they have lost someone. What do you normally say to someone ? Although i hate the pathetic " well they had a good innings" and all that crap it is preferable to seeing friends cross the road or refusing to look you in the face. None of us know the right thing to say. what i would say may upset one person but be right for another, it is just shit but the shock you are dealing with will make everything irritating 🌿

Completely empathise. I lost my mother 12 weeks ago suddenly and hearing similar how she and my father are reunited, at least it was quick, etc and it doesn’t help! No words except solidarity.🌸

I'm sorry that you lost your dad. It's shit. But give other people the benefit of the doubt.

No-one really said anything to me when my dad died. That's the choice: say something that is probably going to be wrong because of the awkwardness and high emotion or say nothing at all, leading the beveaved to believe they never gave a shit about a good man.

I rather someone would have said something crass than pretend he never existed.

Watch how people are more comfortable expressing sympathy and emotion when a pet dies compared to a human. People are just trying their best.

That is a moronic response to someone who has lost their child.

Same. I got so little acknowledgement when my dad died suddenly, and then my brother - I'd have welcomed platitudes if they were well-meant.

I agree with this. Unless somebody says something with malice then this is the way to
go.

You never know when you will be the one putting your foot in it. I hope other people give me some grace.

And yes, I have experienced bereavement before somebody comes along to tell me off for my opinion. My mum died recently.

My condolences OP - it IS really shit.

I was the same when a close family member was in the ICU. Messages off people I hadn't spoken to in years 'I'm here if you need anything!! xxx' why on earth would I message you though!? It's just hollow words and I know people meant well but it did really irritate me at the time. Also random people messaging me 'I knew 'relative', can't believe what's happened-' I really didn't care. So many people making it about themselves and then when it wasn't 'interesting' anymore, everybody dropped off.

No real advice OP but it is crap and nothing anyone can say will change that. Just best to remember people do generally mean well, then rant and rave to people close to you ❤

I get it is uncomfortable and people dont know what to say. But this is a situation where there is nothing to say to make it better. And until people accept that there are situations like this, and it is uncomfortable, awkward and makes you feel terrible, and that this is ok even if it is unpleasant, they will continue to seek certainty by finding "the right thing to say". The problem is that this urge is more about their own feelings than the person who is bereaved (or going through any kind of tragedy).

I think our culture cannot cope with the expression of "difficult" emotions or suffering.

We often shut down others' expression of suffering with platitudes because we as the hearer can't cope with the difficult emotions.

Unfortunately that is invalidating and just unkind to the person suffering, even though we don't mean to be like that.

I try to take anything that's said as an attempt to be kind, even if it doesn't come out that way.

You are right, OP, it is just shit.

My parental bereavement was sudden although not entirely unexpected and now my other parent has been given months to live. It is really hard.

For me, when I lost my Mum, I just tried to remind myself every time I heard one of these platitudes, that what that no matter what was coming out of their mouth, the meaning was "Fuck, I don't know what to say, but this is really shit and I'm sorry you're hurting"

It’s the shock isn’t it OP. It pulls the rug out from under your feet and your world tilts on its axis. I don’t think people know what to say. Take time to grieve and let it all sink in. Take a step back from things if that’s possible. Sorry, it’s a rotten thing to happen x

oh you should have said it. I am (more or less) Christian and I would have said it.