To not want to hear comforting platitudes

[ZooblesSpringToLife]

My dad died 10 days ago and I'm devastated. It was sudden and I'm really struggling. Without exception everyone has said something along the lines of "At least he's with your mum now, that must be a comfort." It isn't a comfort at all. It's not even remotely a comfort.

I know everyone means well. I know it's the kind of thing people say when they're floundering. But... I want them to stop. I don't want to hear it. Every time another person says it I feel filled with irrational rage. Would it be dreadful if I asked people to stop?

I am so sorry x I stand in solidarity with you. The shock, anger, and grief of unexpected close losses leaves us raw and exposed, and the platitudes are really jarring x Unfortunately this is our cultural norm and I don't know what the answer is to address it. One can know people mean well and want to be comforting but often it really doesn't feel comforting at all, because all you want is your person x

Every bereavement is unique in its own way and we can never fully appreciate what it does to someone, even if we have experienced similar.

I've been lucky to have a very few trusted friends who have let me vent the ugly side of grief without burning bridges with "mean wells". Do you have anyone close who might listen and just be there for you?

The whole experience unleashes emotions we often can't even adequately name, and going through it is a messy process without a timeline or rules x

So I just want to offer a silent, platitude free handhold x Take care of yourself as best you can, and I hope you can find someone trusted to confide in xxxx

What would you prefer people to say ?
My own preference would be to say “ Im
sorry that’s really shit” but of course how does anyone know what a person wants to hear.
Edited to expand my comment

People say unbelievably stupid, crass and awful things when people die. You would not be unreasonable to ask them to stop. My friend lost her lovely DS and one 'friend' said 'I'm going to hug my son extra hard tonight'. WTAF??? Who says that to a grieving mother?

My condolences to you OP. I'm so sorry

I’m so very sorry for your loss. It’s so hard - I remember lots of people saying that at least my dad wasn’t in pain anymore, and all I could think was that he’d still rather have been here, even if he was in pain. It seems so unfair, I know. I had random flashes of rage at the smallest things - someone pushed in front of me in a queue about three weeks after he died and I was incensed.

It does get easier to just nod and acknowledge, without getting so angry. I think you just have to put up with it for the moment; as you say, they are trying to be sympathetic, and the root of your anger is likely to be at the unfairness of it all rather than at them. But with closer friends I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying ‘I just want someone to acknowledge that it’s all really awful and just let me cry and rage’ (or whatever you need to do). You never get over a huge loss like this, but gradually you’ll find a new normal. It’s still very very recent though, and it takes a lot of time to get to that point, so whatever you feel at the moment is completely legitimate.

Absolutely ok to ask people not to say things like that .

I wouldn't have appreciated it either. It's a big assumption about what you believe and what you think happens. Yes, people mean well and don't know what else to say but that's pretty tactless.
Losing a parent is horrendous and losing a parent suddenly must be even worse as there is no time to prepare. The loss never goes away but time does heal and it becomes less raw.
I hope you can find a place to share your feelings in real life without receiving these meaningless platitudes.

But unless you know for sure how someone is feeling and what they believe in, it's best not to make assumptions other than that it's a painful loss. Just ask 'How are you feeling', allow them to share. It's enough.

I do understand but theres nothing anyone can say really that will help you at this time. Even “Im sorry for your loss” can get on your nerves after a while. People who say nothing aren’t helping either! This is one of the many factors of grief - irritation ,if not rage, at the world. It’s the hardest time x

I was totally irrational for a while after my mum died very suddenly, my dad had died quite a few years previously. People said all sorts of things but nothing helped and as you say you get angry that people say these platitudes, she didn't suffer, she's with her DH, at least you've got your DH and your DC, yes, yes but they are not my mum. Try to remember they are just trying to help, but the only thing that helps is time to grieve and to accept the new reality.

Of course it's not unreasonable to be enraged. But you may need to tell people what you need -- to just sit with you and listen and not to foist platitudes about better places or afterlives in which you may not believe etc. That's them speaking out of their own need to believe in things, not to your need right now.

I'm sorry you lost your dad, OP. 💐

I think it's best just to say you're very sorry to hear about ...... and that you're thinking of the bereaved person. You're giving your condolences and letting them know you care, without suffocating them.
OP yes if it becomes unbearable, tell people to stop.

Most people have no idea what to say to someone who is bereaved. Made more complicated by the fact that what people 'want' to hear is so individual.

I put all the cards in a drawer, binned the flowers, was pretty blunt with people that I was in the depths of despair part of the process and that any attempts at platitudes wouldn't be welcome at this time. Wasn't my best time 🫣 but it's hardly meant to be.

About a year later when I was ready, reading the cards was very healing. Sent people thank yous for their words and stuff and at that point I was actually ready to engage with anything they came back with.

You do what's right for you OP. Good friends will get it.

Unfortunately it is really difficult to know what is the right thing to say in these circumstances and the newly bereaved can have a lot of anger. This is why often people are avoided by others after a bereavement, which also isn't ideal.

At least these people have tried to comfort you, even though they didn't say the right thing. I don't think it's fair to push away their attempts by telling them they've said the wrong thing. They might not try in future. I have had bereavement myself and you're just angry at a time like that and it isn't anyone's fault.

Double post

I agree. I wish people would simply say an inoffensive “sorry for your loss”. In fact I respect people who do that and don’t talk about it, unless I want to do so.

People dont know what to see. The " better place" and angels shit is awful.
When ds died I wanted no cards or platitudes. Luckily my friends understood. I think " it's shit he's died is perfectly acceptable!

I’m so sorry.
Thing is, some people want to be comforted. Others don’t. Your friends and family don’t know what to say, because nothing helps. But saying nothing doesn’t feel right either. Grief is beyond words and people struggle with it.
The rage you feel is a normal part of grieving. Share it will those you feel comfortable talking to. Tell them how utterly shit it is.

YANBU

People say the most horrendous things under the guise of meaning well.

Honestly I heard all sorts when I lost my mum.

She's in a better place now: no she fing isn't, the best place for her was here with her family!

God called her home: thanks for shoving your religious beliefs onto me without bothering to ask if I believe in god

Your mum wouldn't have wanted you to be so upset: oh, okay. I guess I'm betraying and disappointing her memory by grieving, whoops!

Anything that starts with 'at least' is almost certainly going to be awful.

You get good at stopping people in their tracks tbh. Don't be afraid of saying how you feel and what you think, it's a two way conversation. Some of the more thoughtless stuff, maybe that person won't say stuff like that to anyone else in the future.

I'm sorry for your loss. That really is all that people need to say. With a side of 'what can I do to help/I've done this thing for you' if they're in your circle (sending a food delivery voucher, or offering to do a load of washing or come over and help you tidy up or holding your hand thought the practicalities or whatever... you can tell when people actually do want to help and be there for you).

you don’t have to respond. Could someone be with you to listen to these people so you don’t have? Losing a parent is extremely difficult, and the grief can be very much overwhelming. I hope you can the chance to catch your breath in waves of grief. We are here X

I'm sorry you are going through this. My dad died recently a few weeks after being diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. It is absolutely brutal and you will feel anger and lots of different strong emotions. It doesn't help that there is a lot to sort out after someone dies, and that is a huge stress in itself when you are already feeling utterly awful.

I'm six months on and it is easier - your emotions settle a bit more, but I still feel very sad and miss him everyday. I think people mean well, but looking back before my Dad died I could understand it would be painful, but not how it really felt. I may have said stupid things too, but I meant well. Just try to remember that people do want to ease your suffering, but sometimes it takes experiencing loss yourself to really know how to do it well.

So sorry for your loss OP. I would find that an infuriating thing to hear.

Not only it assumes you believe in some kind of afterlife where dead people are all hanging out (why would anyone assume you believe that unless you're a devout Christian or something?), but also because I think very few people actually believe that themselves, so it isn't genuine.

All the best

@ZooblesSpringToLife

Just want to add that there is a dedicated bereavement board on MN and supportive thread to those who have lost parents too.

Honestly just appreciate that they care and mean well and ignore the specific sentiment if it doesn't land well.

People are dicks at the best of times and in a difficult situation there are always going to be awkward people who say awkward things. I think going with the spirit of what people are trying to express rather than getting angry at their poor wording might help you. Or not. I am in your club too and nothing anyone can say at this time will help with the pain. Only time. So sorry. 💐

It is difficult to know what to say, but ultimately less is more.

People feel the need to offer something to make you feel better, and I think that comes from both the genuine desire to make you feel better and their own discomfort from being around death and grief. Nothing can make you feel better. Grief is a natural process that can't be made better, I think it's fine if you can gently say that you don't want to hear those things right now.