To not want to hear comforting platitudes

[ZooblesSpringToLife]

My dad died 10 days ago and I'm devastated. It was sudden and I'm really struggling. Without exception everyone has said something along the lines of "At least he's with your mum now, that must be a comfort." It isn't a comfort at all. It's not even remotely a comfort.

I know everyone means well. I know it's the kind of thing people say when they're floundering. But... I want them to stop. I don't want to hear it. Every time another person says it I feel filled with irrational rage. Would it be dreadful if I asked people to stop?

Unfortunately our society and culture is incredibly ill equipped to deal with death and grief as we are not set up for it and shy away from it. Instead of asking how you are doing and sitting in your discomfort, people say silly, irrelevant things to make themselves feel better. It’s an acknowledgement at least but a poor one. I lost my dad 4 years ago and my advice is hold on to your raw grief for now. As odd as it sounds I miss that feeling bc it made me feel closer to him. I miss him so much, it’s not easy. Most people don’t understand especially if you are quite young. We watched my dad die in his final week and it was quite a revelation to me, how little we understood about death. Write it all down, try and capture how you feel in this moment because believe or not you won’t feel like this forever. Lots of love

So sorry about your Dad OP. I must admit, I can’t bear it when people say “ stay strong”. Why the hell should you?! Someone I know has cancer & her Facebook is full of posts saying “ stay strong”, “keep fighting” etc etc.
Having said that, it is very difficult for a lot of people to know what to say around serious illness & death.

Agree. I loathe ‘flying high with the angels’

Just say thank you and move on.
People want to say something to help you but of course nothing they say will, so just give them the benefit of the doubt. They mean well.

People are just trying to be nice at a time when words don’t really help. When my sister died people said all sorts to me but I didn’t really focus on the words as much as the sentiment.

Anger Is a natural emotion that you go through when grieving.

Do what you need to. Pre-empt it. “It’s great to hear from you X, but before we start chatting I just need to let you know, loads of people have said “he’s with your mum, it’s a comfort, etc etc “ and I am finding that really distressing.

people say stuff like this because they are uncomfortable and don’t know what else to say. The best thing anyone said to me was “this is shotty. I am so sorry you are going through this’.

I hope that you have some support and you definitely are not wrong at all for the way you are feeling. Take everything at your own speed, tune them out and just remember your lovely Dad.

My Dad passed after a 5 yr battle with oesophageal cancer and the ones I would constantly get is “least he isn’t in pain” and “he wouldn’t want to see you upset”. No he would to be alive free of cancer. I get that people don’t know what to say but it was absolutely nauseating to have every cliche said to me at the most busy time (planning a funeral) and then when all said and done, silence. Nobody there at all. Unfortunately with grief it’s incredible personal and there is not one size fits all. Just be kind to yourself

No sorry, but this is a cop out. People say this stuff because they feel uncomfortable or want to offer something - which is all about their feelings, not the bereaved persons. It awful and uncomfortable but you put your big pants on and deal with your discomfort to support the other person.

not dreadful at all. My late husband knew loads of local people through his job and i couldn't go into local shops without meeting someone who wanted to talk to me. I had what Virginia Ironside called "the rage of bereavement" and it took a lot of self control to stay polite and just say "I can't talk about it" BTW her book "You'll get over it" pulls no punches but was of great comfort to me.

I think part of handling grief is also handling what other say to you during it, unfortunately. There is no one size fits all language, so I think it's unreasonable to chastise people for saying the 'wrong' thing, just because it wrong to you.

Of course if someone is saying something overtly insensitive and inappropriate, then it's reasonable to say something, but not when something is genuinely well meaning.

But there's nothing remotely comforting to the OP about alluding to an imaginary afterlife with the OP's dead relatives floating around on a pastel cloud, and in which the 'comforter' may not even believe themselves. It's purely a matter of 'I can't cope with your grief that your dad has died suddenly and you will never see him again, and it is unbearable.' See also 'He's in a better place', 'Only the good die young' etc etc.

Couldn’t agree more -

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to say "no it isn't comforting to hear that at all". I understand not knowing what to say but let's be honest there are no real comforting words straight after such a sudden loss. It's very shit thing to happen I think it would be better if people just said I really don't know what to say.

this

Well yes, in an ideal world people would indeed put their big girl pants on but in the real world, people haven’t had the experience and don’t know what to say because they haven’t been there themselves.

I’m amazed anyone dares open their mouths at all really (though they get told off if they don’t, too).

I m very sorry for you. My dad died suddenly 5 years ago and nothing anyone said helped. I was just a mess. I really didn't want food offerings from people (could not eat) or flowers (having to find vases then watch them die) and comforting platitudes don't help. " he was a good man,"
Yes I bloody know that it's why I m a mess now.
"He wouldn't want you to be so upset " ok great I ll just turn off the tears then.

Only time will help. Cry when you want. Rage when you want. I m still angry sometimes at the suddenness of it and no time to say goodbye.

Yanbu at all

See, when I was dealing with a loss your "how are you feeling?" question would have utterly pissed me off, because it's fucking stupid. I mean, people are grieving we know how they feel. Of course I wouldn't be crass and say anything to your face, but would think you were a tool thereafter.

There is no right thing to say to someone in these situations, as we can see from this thread.

What's worked for me:

That's shit
I'm so sorry, I don't know what else to say
Would you like to talk about him?
Just a hug and silence

IMHO most of the rest of it is about someone being uncomfortable with your pain and therefore trying to make it go away instead of just sitting with it. But people don't get this unless they,ve been bereaved themselves.

I think this is a difficult topic OP, there will be many versions of this story for others in grief and I’ve certainly also heard of those who feel upset when others distance themselves and say nothing because they don’t know what to say. Ultimately no-one (even people who have faced loss) can feel your grieving experience - even those of us who have said sorry for your loss, this can be a statement which is triggering to the next person.

With that in mind, the reframe is that people are trying their best to support you in that moment, even if it is clumsy and doesn’t feel good. It is very raw and for you and the comments can no doubt feel like you’re meant to be processing the ‘upside’ when really you’re angry at someone being taken away from you and need to be processing that feeling instead.

What setting is this in? Work? Friends? I think you can respectively state to individuals that whilst they mean well, you’re not coping well with ‘at least’ responses, and ask for what you do need instead - are you okay if people just don’t bring it up at all? Do you need to hear acknowledgment that it isn’t fair? Or maybe you want to hear other people’s experiences of overcoming loss to help you with proof points that you will come through this. Name what you do need in addition to what you don’t want, as you will have people who want to deeply support you through this time.

I agree totally @TheLambtonWorm .
After my lovely DH died suddenly and completely unexpectedly I had an appointment booked with the hairdresser.
I sent a message to her, via a friend who was also her customer, to say "Winged has an appointment next Tuesday. She said to tell you, don't be extra nice to her and don't offer any condolences otherwise she'll be a gibbering, snotty wreck".
My lovely hairdresser said nothing.

My mum died five days ago and some people have said it’s for the best as she’s no longer in pain, if they knew anything about it they would know she wasn’t really in pain, stupid twats.
im having a really physical reaction today, feel incredibly shaky. Sending love to you OP and it’s fucking shit.

I know what you mean. People mean well but are often clumsy. My dad died last year, he was 82 and very poorly for the last couple of months. Platitudes didn’t help. It’s never easy and sometimes people would rather say something trite than just acknowledge that shit things happen and it’s not fair that someone you love isn’t here anymore.

Thank you for all the responses; it just really helps that so many of you get it. I think what would help me the most is if people just said "This is absolutely shit."

I do get that people mean well and that we're generally rubbish at anything to do with death or grief. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I just feel like my sadness is being sidelined. My mum died in tragic circumstances a few years ago and it's like all anyone can see is my parents' grand love story and how they've been reunited. I feel like everyone's forgotten that I am their only child and I've been left alone. On one hand I feel bad that I'm trying to make it all about me and on the other, I feel like a bit part player in my own life.

There is nothing wrong with making it about you under these circumstances.