To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

No. This is your attention seeking compulsion and victimhood speaking.

Sorry but you are clearly embellishing here as at the start you were suspicious of him and the cleaners and now you have remembered an email he wrote talking about having sex with her.

and no one hates you - you are a faceless person on a screen who may or may not exist - people are not going to have strong feelings either way. This thread will end and the world will move on

I don't know , I am hoping therapy will help figure it all out

Op do you think it is helping you posting continuously on here.
You seem overly invested, you earlier greeted a poster like they were a long lost friend, welcoming them back and telling them another poster was around too.
That in itself is not normal op.
Nobody hates you on this thread because nobody knows you, whereas your DS has told you you are the one causing the drama, would it not be better stepping away from this as I can’t see how it is helping you, you have been in a manic state for days now.

I went with the male counsellor as my friend Passing figured out already. But thats the only thing you were right about Passing.

Talked toward the last 10-15 mins about a health issue DH had hidden from me before we got married, And a good while after as well - and that is a condition which can be genetically inherited as well, plus the medication for it is contra indicated when trying to conceive etc.

He agreed it was a big thing for a 25 year old to have to face. But he also looked impassive.

I missed you guys actually.

That's my sense of humor Garden, did you not get the humor at all

In my 20s I used to write sitcom comedy as a hobby /side hustle for a bit

Okay we will call time on it here though, it did help the past three days, but time now to move on, thank you. Won't start a new thread.

Byeeee Natty, good luck with everything, and others who were kind on here, thanks a lot too.

No, there is nothing about this thread that I find funny. Concerning yes, funny, absolutely not

Ive read every bit of this thread and for the life of me once I think ive understood it the OP throws in another curveball.

On another note Im retired now but when I was working in finance I wouldnt have had the hours needed to post a squillion long convoluted streams of consciousness, too busy working.

Good luck with the remainder of the thread, im lost!

There we are then, never getting that time back. Did it to myself.

arrivederci 😂

Last post (I swear) to you Socks, this whole time this was a real person having gone through a tremendous amount of pain in her life

Coming from a poor family, having worked tremendously hard all my life.

You really should not spend your life this way - 3 days on a thread you hated. As crazy as I am, I am not that.

Wow! It was a busy year!

She isn’t going anywhere…don’t worry.

Earlier you said OM was open to making things official if you left your H, so you went home and immediately told your H you “wanted to leave, he was right we were incompatible, which is why he had liked his cleaner so much.” That’s a very manipulative way to confess an affair to your spouse, there’s no concrete evidence he was romantically interested in the cleaner anyway, and it sounds an awful lot like “it’s your fault I cheated on you”. You then carried on flirting and brought it up again in a fucking cruel way (you could have initiated a divorce yourself, but tried to get your H to do it, twisting the knife to hurt him in the process). You only cut things off when your affair partner moved in with his gf and wasn’t an option any more…but you still stalk him on social media. I feel like the cleaner and the later lady you’ve created drama with are projection, or symptoms of you judging your husband’s morals based on your own, tbh.

When you and your DH met this couple in 2017, you included the wife in plans with friends and helped her with her job search…so when your H suggested she help out at the club to support job applications he was just doing the same. Bizarre that when your H talked about her activities as a SAHM you suggested cutting hours/taking a pay cut so you could “compete” (your words). She’s not in competition with you. She sounds like a hands-on, dedicated mum, who expects her H to share some of the load, who takes care of herself and is in great shape. She doesn’t sound “lazy” at all!

You describe her as “mean, user, manipulative, unkind, gossipy, shallow, superficial, lazy”, and yourself as “loyal to my friends and family, kind, funny, empathetic, spiritual, gentle, sweet”…despite the fact that you had an affair and would have left your husband after chatting to another man for two weeks if you’d been able to manipulate him into taking the blame, immediately signed up to FB dating after creating an argument, and chose a therapist based on who would upset your husband the most. ‘Loyal’, ‘kind’, and ‘gentle’ my arse.

You’re still furious about this woman asking your husband to take photos 8 years ago (a total non-incident which you overreacted to by telling him it was over). It’s the good camera she was interested in, not the person behind it. You know this: at the party one of your other friends husbands was “clicking pics on my Hs stupid camera of his wife” because decent camera = better photos. It’s mad to think she left the room when you moved out of frame because she couldn’t handle a “visual of how normal behave which is they do not ask other people's H's to take pics of them” and “she cannot tolerate a husband in the room taking pics enthusiastically of his own wife rather than her”. You’re almost certainly the only one fixated one this historic non-event.

You’re repeatedly setting your husband tests for him to fail. As this couple left you asked them to “include [your H] in your cycling group like you used to”, then acted like he’d done something wrong when he thought nothing had happened and everything was fine. Of course he did - that’s what you led him to believe. To punish him you used stonewalling - not grey rock, as you’ve framed it. Grey rock makes you so boring the other person loses interest: you were trying to provoke him into figuring out and fixing whatever had made you withdraw affection/attention/communication. Your plan to hurt and humiliate him, if this worked (“if he asks how he can fix this, l am going to say well for starters, sing a very mushy embarrassing song to me or something equally cringey and then send the video with mushy messages about how he loves me or something (to the group he is on with only her and her husband) and then leave the group he is on only with her and her husband”) was fucking disgusting.

You’ve called your husband (who you wanted to sing a soppy duet with a few days ago) every name under the sun, and you’re so determined to paint him as a manipulative, coercive, abusive villain you even suggested his walk with this woman’s husband was motivated by “Hearing about her life now? Maybe residues of perfume on her Hs coat?”You’re ignoring the ways you’ve contributed to a toxic dynamic, you’re turning him and this woman into the villains in your story…but most of this drama is of your own making. If you want out of the marriage you can make that choice for yourself without having to demonise anyone else to justify it.

I usually confine my Mumsnet interactions to funny/pop culture things on Chat, Food and Recipes and a bit of lurking on Baby Names.

AIBU is the UFC fighting board of Mumsnet.

I don't have Facebook, Reddit or Instagram. I like a bit of youtube but that's television really. (Especially when you can't afford a television and you can wangjangle things through your youtube instead.)

I can't take the sparring.

My point is, the ups and downs of dopamine hits from this thread are not a good thing. You've seen a therapist today, which is grand but I would humbly suggest taking my earlier suggestion of calling The Samaritans or another organisation such as Mind UK.

The Samaritans:

116123

That's the number. Free from any phone. No prefix needed. You might have to wait a while to get through but when you do, they are all trained and sympathetic people who will never, ever, rush you off the line. In fact, they are very reluctant to let you go.

I don't feel confident enough to recommend an equivalent in the US but I can assure you:

The Samaritans do not deal with government agencies. It is completely confidential. Just because it is free doesn't mean that they have a backline to CPS or the psychiatric hospital or anything.

That’s a free counselling session for OP. I hope that she takes on the information and uses an open mind in assessing her part in this madness.

That post was very useful indeed.

But the most useful, hard to pick as it is, as wise as many of them were.

Was the one which said Quit the job (or pretend to quit it) and let him just leave if he is only around till I am paying the bills.

I had gotten to be jealous of women around me who are SAHMs with fully grown kids or have always been SAHMs. While I had to get back to work right away after mine were born and put in private nurseries , he never gave me that option and the trigger is when he shows a lot of respect for a woman who is/was a SAHM long term but refuses to let me cut back on work or take a sabbatical. I do much more than 50pc around the house too. I am totally burnt out. Cysts in ovaries, fibroids in uterus.

Resigning in October , three months from now, paid leave and notice period will take me through to January 2027. I am going to take a one year career break after that and restore my mind body wellness at my pace (not taking any counter suggestions on this from posters or H, I won't be needing state benefits or anything).

If he plans to bugger off because I am not paying all the bills, good. I do not have the strength to leave him but I can sit back on my year long break while he leaves. I will assess and re-plan next steps during my sabbatical year, re my career finances DS's uni finance support needs etc.

Don’t tell him it’s a sabbatical.
And the bills are all his to cover while you’re off.
If you currently get your wages paid into a joint account you need to provide your accounts dept with new bank details for account only you have access to.

If she resigns it isn’t really a sabbatical. If she took an official career break then she could go back to the job, but she said she was quitting

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