To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

No.

The reason I keep saying 'manic' is not anything I was doing IRL, outside of my laptop rant posts - purely because I could feel the anger making my skin feel hot, my pulse was not okay, my heart was beating too fast, and I felt better when I paused and did deep breathing, but I kept engaging again on the rapid flow of thoughts in my mind ruminating instead of disengaging

Outwardly, I was just having a rest day lying on the sofa as day after party with food stocked in fridge, day off, and had done a lot of intensive spring cleaning before the party so was resting up from that

Hi @MonicaGeller010203 ,

You really have to understand that he is never going to change and start respecting you. Stop wasting your time and your life trying to get to the bottom of why he is the way he is and what he might feel about this other woman.

You need to move on from him - for your own sanity and wellbeing!
Work through things with a good therapist - and then divorce this guy. Your life will start to improve and you will no longer live in a permanent state of anxiety!

I wish you all the best and remember, if you keep doing what you have always done, you will only get the same results you have always had - break the pattern!

Social services is going to have zero interest in taking a 17 year old

the best thing you can do with the therapist is get her to help you focus on the issues rather than the side points

you also don’t need to discuss anything with your DH or your kids. You had no need to tell him about the therapist.

I also suggest you look at your finances so you can figure out how your future can look

Please stop using your children this way.
It's abusive, although I'm sure you don't realise that.

Regarding the therapy, it's worth pointing out that I was in a safe situation when I engaged in therapy.

You are not in a safe situation (again I don't think you fully realise that).

May I suggest you start with 'my husband isn't happy about me seeking help' and let it go from there.

I can guarantee that your husband will want to know what you and therapist talked about.

DO NOT TELL HIM

Pay close attention to how you feel about having that interaction with your OH.

In a normal relationship OH might ask how it went, and you could decide how much if anything you wanted to share, or you could just say 'fine thanks' and OH wouldn't push it beyond that.

Why on earth would he leave - he has the best of all worlds.
He has you carrying the financial load, doing all the 'wife' work as well and gets to behave however he wishes.
Sorry if this all seems a bit harsh but you need to rip off the rose tinted glasses. this isn't and never has been a good marriage. yes you may not be perfect but you have dished him a backhander and you can bet your life he isn't afraid of you - only of losing what you provide.

Context, but not excusing myself you are right, DS1(19) is in uni to become apsychiatrist , had read the DSM5 at 17ish , has suggested a good place to do the session from, seems delighted I am investing the time and money to do this, and has offered to help if the google meet connection goes wrong.

But I agree. He has been aware of 'her' for a while now, and he did know retrospectively that for a briefish period that I was planning to separate from his father in 2013 and I stayed for the DSs only initially (though fell back in toxic love/codependency with their dad again not long after).

Is it not interesting he has chosen this as his profession, when his dad sees going to therapy as a Luxury+sign of impending madness diagnosis and still attaches social stigma from the days of Yore to that

I have finally caught up with this thread and just wanted to say I hope everything works out alright for you OP and I hope you have gotten something out of this thread even if it’s just helping you to sort out your thoughts. Best of luck with therapy, I hope it gives you the support you need.

Sometimes even these type of men can change if they realise the wife is serious about leaving? He made several changes in 2013 and I blame myself for allowing those to fall away again actually.

Thank you , I love that song by the way heart , Simon & Garfunkel if my brain is still processing info right!

Haha yes you are correct the name was inspired by that song. Wishing you all the best.

My number one suggestion for therapy is “Let the therapist drive”.

Figure out your goal before you go. Keep it simple. Maybe your goal for the first session is to get some peace and a plan to carry you through to the next session.

Ask them to explain the process and how you should participate. Then listen and answer and take their cues. Look at them while you’re talking and pay attention. Don’t ramble endlessly; let them ask questions and you answer. You’ll get the most out of each session this way.

You can go in and ramble and rant, but you won’t walk away feeling better by doing this.

People that study these subjects invariably come from troubled backgrounds.

Usually they are told to engage in therapy themselves before they help clients!

By all means take any recommendations he has but don't fall in to the trap of confiding details of your sessions, it's not fair on him.

By all means tell him how its going and when you've made breakthroughs, that kind of thing but just. be general in scope.

Yes people that dismiss therapy the most are usually the ones that need it the most.

@NattyKnitter116 , re your referral to Lundy, it is very interesting that Lundy says the attitudes and thinking patterns of these men are predictable in some ways.

Our friends and extended family (not close family and very old friends), think he is such a charming gentle man who is chivalrous to women

But the mask slips sometimes only when close friends or family are around.

His High school slam book has many many of his female classmates calling him woman hater, that was his nickname at school. He says it was shy and awkwardness but that explanation never aligned with 'hater' & he was uncomfortable that DSs brought back his slam book too in a box of souvenirs on a recent trip to Gran's

His writing that email to his friend 'there are women who you can bang and forget, and ones you cannot....'

He has jokey nicknames like 'fat ass Kelly' for neighbours or friends who are overweight. Not for the thin ones. Uses these in reference to when talking about them to me.

Are you both American?

Your H sounds very manipulative, OP, and despite your anger with him over Club Woman, when he says 'jump' you ask 'how high'.
Eg it was his idea to split the anniversary celebrations into 2 parties, and you apparently went along with it, no problem.

He has obviously conditioned you over many years to respond like this.

He really doesn't want you to have therapy, probably because he fears it will empower you to leave him, so he is scaring you with all sorts of nonsense about SS potentially taking your 17 yr old DS.
That would never happen, OP.

It's very sad that, despite how he has treated you very recently, and probably for the whole of your relationship, you still post 'maybe he can change? It's possible for men like him'.

He won't.

He is deeply misogynistic, going back to his college days, based on his scam book (never heard of these, but I can imagine what it is). The 'jokey nicknames' he has for neighbours are vile and demeaning.
The 2 women you have mentioned he had involvement with were both needy in some way ie less powerful than him in the situation they were all in.
He won't change now.

But what may very well happen is that he becomes more angry and more aggressive as he sees himself losing control over you. You should be prepared for that.

Do not share any details of your therapy sessions with anyone.
Please try to keep both your DS out of the death throes of your marriage as much as you can.

The OP has dropped in a number of American references, though I'm not sure she is actually American or (for some reason) wants people to think she is.

@MonicaGeller010203please stop involving your sons in your marital disputes and plans for therapy. It is deeply unfair to them and in fact a form of abuse.

If you do go to therapy, I hope you are as honest as you can be with the therapist, e.g. don't include all the details about your DH's suspected crush without also disclosing your own serious emotional affair. Painting your DH as evil and yourself as a poor innocent victim (as you have throughout this thread) won't get you anywhere in therapy. BTW I'm not saying your husband is blameless. But he isn't a cartoon villain either.

He is really is reaching now isn't he?!
another tick for the script.

peak mysogyny - sounds like 1950's.
sounds like my dad actually

He won’t change.
People only change when THEY want to.
All you can do is change how you respond to him.
He is not making you happy, and life is too short to put up with crap.

Crikey, no. The onus isn't on you to stop him falling back in to old habits.
Some men can change but trust me he isn't one of them and unfortunately together you will never work. Its unlikely he could have a healthy relationship with anyone to be host and that may even be the same for you.
Standard and old advice but work on loving yourself first.
Another book you might find informative is Women Who Love To Much by Robyn Norwood. It's very old but is very relevant to your mindset.

He is probably fixated on fixing the mind, mending obsessive tendencies and controlling the adults in his life, to prevent other teenagers going through this without the tools to help.
What I find most sad about this thread is your loving nature and venomous needs to self destruct and drag anyone who’ll listen into your side.
Honestly once your DS finds a wife, seeing another way of thinking, usually through her family, he’ll go low contact.

Ofcourse not. Your DS17 is actually old enough to leave the home and live by himself if he wanted to. He’s not seen as a child-at-risk. He’s too old.

Thank you

Thanks I have heard about that book, will take a look