To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

Hes just come in with a new fan for me and set it up for me as well...unexpectedly.

Maybe he thinks I have cancelled intro therapy today. or wants me to. or unrelated

The therapist isn’t allowed to disclose this to anyone including the police unless he thinks you or DS are at risk CURRENTLY of violence. People admit all sorts of crimes to therapists and they don’t disclose them unless someone is at current risk of harm.

You’ve shown him by booking therapy that a change is occurring within you. This has him panicking… he will start treating you very very nicely for a few days or weeks and pulling you away from the realisations and therapy until you think everything is good again. Then he will stop trying again.

The Script.

Thanks Olivia, yes have seen this cycle before

Still cannot stop feeling gratitude for any kindness and all the tears when rebuffed though. I have tried CBT myself lots of times and yet I appear to be a creature of emotion. When it comes to H

Better not to say even if I was?

Why? You've revealed much more identifiable information throughout this thread than a nationality shared by 340 million people.

A lot of your story is muddled and, tbh, if you are American and live in America it explains some of the things

Only 0.33% of the UK population are American Born Migrants

1 in every 300.

SOOO nervous about the intro session tonight and all the mess in the marriage - physical violence incident, infidelity, drama - causing DS2 to be taken away.

Breathe......

Ah yes, I did not nearly die from the stress when I fell in love with someone else actually while married

I just felt a tad unwell. Or even quite unwell.

What line of work are you in Beardy & Sam, if I may ask

I'm in finance, a CPA.

It’s just a bit confusing because it sounds like your husband is American too but then his mum lives here?

you also need to consider your own role in the dysfunctional nature of your marriage - you have only given your interpretation of the marriage so it’s impossible to tell. But if you can address that part of yourself then you can move forward and hopefully find a happier relationship where you don’t have all this game playing and you can be yourself

you don’t need to discuss the therapy with anyone and you don’t need to tell people what you are doing and where you are going in general. Maybe spend some time with your sister or a friend.

Fuck me. As if you haven’t shared enough! 😂😂

He’s not going to get taken away. He’s 17, fed, clothed, never abused, warm, sheltered. There are kids being hit themselves who aren’t taken away.

Stop letting him get in your head. Stop being gullible.

Therapists offer CONFIDENTIAL help. That’s the point of them. They have a legal and ethical duty to share information only when there is a current risk of serious harm. You don’t fit into that bracket.

LOL

And there is still more, that I am going to tell only the therapist

I think I shared about 75pc of the drama only on here.

Thanks Olivia , your posts on this have helped me breathe.

Beardy, Apologies if I said H's mum lives here, maybe I said that not to be outing. We have very little family nearby IRL. Ditto, School/uni friends, only few nearby now.

We do use the term 'mum' as that is what sons calls me, not mom. Like all their friends here. They also say Wat-er in a posh way, lol.

OKay will come back after intro counselling tommorrow and post a brief. Thanks everyone.

Of course she's American, Ivy League, CPA. Not that I think there's any need to hide it, that part I don't really understand about the OP.

Well quite - I just don’t understand why she won’t say. And clearly her H is too.

DS2 has not been, nor is likely to be taken away. As I’m sure you are aware, as several people have advised and common sense would tell you

one can only hope you are truthful with your therapist, and leave any hyperbole and exaggeration to one side - otherwise you aren’t likely to get anywhere.

A small but noticeable number of people on MN claim to be American. It's obvious who actually is from the US and who is not.

Bloody hell. Hopefully the therapist can get you the serious mental health support you need.

How does it change any of the facts in my story or further explain them, or help explain them, if I was not in fact British Born.

When you have been told it enough times over the years to make you stay, you start believing it.

I am important enough to him that he would make dramatic threats of custody and kids being taken away, to make me stay.

But not important enough that he would disengage from her in 2018

That’s manipulation and control.

Disengage from? Being friends and running a kids sports club with her? There was no affair, you know this.

The controlling demand to drop friends, block them on WhatsApp, inviting her over and setting traps to see if he would pay attention to someone at a party etc etc you know what someone would rightly say if that demand was coming from a male to a female. But you are doing this 🤷‍♀️