To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

When I found out the email he wrote to his friend, saying he missed the cleaning lady so much after she left for Singapore and that 'there are women you can bang and forget, but there are others you can never forget....'

I was convinced he had had an affair , I was only 27ish - I almost felt suicidal. Because he had always said she was only a friend. The email was such a shock. I remember days of just depression, and wanting to end it all.

I was crazy in love with this man. whatever love means.

Thats when I called her and asked had she had an affair with my husband and to please tell me. She said that they had not, and that did I know she was married? I said yes and I also said I knew that she knows Hs friends roomate in SG. To which she said nothing. Then we said polite goodbyes, take care, she said dont worry be at peace. Thats when he came home, told him I had spoken to her and that was the time he slapped me, said his palm struck at the wrong angle and it became a hit rather than a slap.

I do think I might have Borderline Personality disorder.

Who loves like that in their 20s? Addiction to loving your spouse, is an addiction too.

46 YO me wide eyed at the misogny missed noting at 27 'there are women you can bang and forget'

he was youngish too .......

What on earth are you talking about now? You've received a great deal of support from well-meaning MNers who believe you are the victim of abuse. I am a bit more sceptical about some of your claims, especially as you've admitted to doing nearly everything that you object to your DH doing. This thread started with the description of an odd anniversary party and your jealousy about a former neighbour. And now I don't even know what it's about. I suspect you don't know either.

You suspect you have BPD? Maybe so. Who knows? You certainly seem to thrive on drama. And if there isn't enough drama in your life, you choose to manufacture more. Maybe it would be helpful to step away from MN. Just a thought.

With respect, OP, and I really mean this kindly, your point is bonkers.
All that Luke Perry lookalike nonsense, and demanding "PROOF" that Club Mum meant nothing - you really do sound unhinged.

If your H blocks her now, I suspect you'd find a reason why that wasn't proof that she meant nothing, because (some other unhinged nonsense).

Stop focusing on her - she's such a small part of the overall picture, but you insist on making her THE most important part.

The expression living rent free in your head has meaning, she is definitely living in your head. I doubt she thinks about you or DH much. Your peace of mind is like your home, you protect it, keep out intruders or vandals, we don’t invite them in to prove a stupid point. You have more than invited her into your head, she consumes your whole life, in your mind that is.
It is such a waste of energy.

Your story is all over the place with more and more scandalous detail.

forget the other women, forget the other man - do something that means you can think about something else.

do you have work today?

You need to start living for you - it seems you always take everyone else's opinion before your ones - even your son. Fight your corner, noone else will. Start doing stuff for you. Start telling your husband a few home truths - it seems like he constantly drags you down and you need to stand up for yourself. You are worthy and a prize - start acting like it.

He has said this morning that when he split the party guests into two events, one being last Sunday from old neighbourhood and assorted, and this Sunday was going to be new group of last 4 years who are my girl group now and their husbands (have cancelled this now)

That his intention was that we sing like we danced last time, at this Sunday's. Now last Sunday as it was 'a different group of people' to whom he would sing/dance with.

SO conclusion - he is coach with last Sunday ppl and man who does not like his wife much

THis sunday he was going to be singing dancing celebrating his life with his wife

I thought we were the same whichever ppl came to the party.

DS1 has got him to be less grumpy about me going for therapy, I think.

Thank God for DS1 - who has my back on me getting counselling

I am going to start chronologically from 2002, and it may take a while as Natty said it took 6 months of ranting for her to her therapist, to get to 2026 - Chat GPT which I consulted after someone here has suggested it to me - also said to go in sequence - or to pick 5 major turnpoint events across the 22+ years for the first session and list them to give the overall picture first.

From 2016 to about 2022 for sure I thought far from being a prize, my emotional affair meant I must spend the rest of my life living only for my sons and making it to up to H for hurting him by wanting to leave. He never wanted to leave despite everything else, not really, so I was the big sinner in my eyes for a very very long time

Its only now I have started wanting a clean slate and fairness and to be treated better

Tbh I don’t think him not wanting to sing at party 1 is something to castigate him for

you're not seeing the woods for the trees. The singing/old neighbour are red herrings in all of this

And maybe explore how your sons are involved in your relationship - it sounds like they are used as a buffer

Yes. Even the kids can see the OPs need for drama - it’s really unfair of both her and the husband to involve them.

Thanks Beardy for your posts

He has said now that his concerns about therapy are that our DS2 might be taken away from us, if the physical violence incident in the past is disclosed. However, I already did disclose it to my GP then, and also a social worker already did come home to ask how I am doing. Also I informed school pastoral when DSs were entering high school.

So , I dont think DS2 at 17 can be taken away from me by social services at this point, if I talk to the therapist about physical / verbal abuse incidents in the marriage across 22 years? H has never been violent towards the DSs. They are not scared of him at all

Nervous and wondering whether to wait a year till DS2 is 18, to get the therapy now

Social are not going to come remove your 17yo op.

You need help with how easily influenced you are I think

So there were going to be two anniversary parties.

I just don't understand. You must live in a very different social world to me. All show.

It's bleak.

Re therapy, let him be as grumpy about it as he wants - it shouldn't matter to you. Ignore him, walk away when he starts verbalising his grumpiness.

I would give your therapist the overall picture first, giving the 5 major events is a good start.

Write them down - bullet points.

Even doing that will help you. And it will help the therapist too, by seeing what you prioritise.

As regards SS taking your 17 Yr old because of one historic instance of DV - it would never happen. They are swamped with all the current abuse cases they are trying to deal with.

And it was her 22nd anniversary 🤷‍♀️

I think you need to tell the therapist about the last few days. Then let them explore why and what led you to this place. They need to understand how you are right now, and where your head is, not where it was in 2002.

It is super important that they know how much this weekend impacted you. And genuinely, I think you should show them this thread because it will offer a lot of insight into how bad of a spiral you were in…they can then help suggest coping mechanisms for right now, whilst you address any other issues.

I also think it is useful because they may recommend you also go to your GP to begin referrals for other issues like potential Bipolar etc. even just to rule out.

H split them Tca, not me

Also he has always said that his mum/mom constantly had people over and events, and laughter and love and joy of the local community in his house and it was a minimum expectation he had of a wife to be a gracious host and very involved and active in community, charity etc

I will be telling the therapist that I was extremely upset, agitated, manic and I vented on a public anonymous forum over the past 2 days leading up to today my anger against H . And that the trigger was this anniversary party where I invited a woman I seriously suspected him of being attracted to 2017/2018 and I now believe on some level I wanted him to prove to me that he treated her just like anyone else and he was focussed on everyone equally including me as it was our anniversary party just like 2024 where everything went well when she was not there. I will say there was a plan to Kaorake sing this time just like we all danced in 2024 and H abandoned the plan and went for a walk with her husband instead leaving the rest of our guests at a loose end expecting activities and group stuff, and leaving me to handle that

I will not be showing the thread, as I dont think it is at all worth the therapists time to read hundreds of posts about how lame and cringe Islands on the stream/Beckhams singing it is. I will mention that I , on the thread, referred to H in anger as arsehole and fucker multiple times on Sunday and that I am worried lately I could be developing BiPo or BPD and should I explore that with GP.

There really have been a lot of very harsh posts on here, (not you boreded) and I hope some unkind people on here get their karma coming

Could SS take away DS2(17) if I ask my GP for referral to BiPo or BPD or any other ND diagnoses?

H has implied this is a distinct possibility if I 'go looking for trouble' down that road just because I 'want some petty revenge because I think he has feelings for her'