To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

How kind. He knows where the door is. Always has.

You do exist! But that request was trying to control others?

Have you been out of the house at all?

If you are in England,

the best 21st anniversary present you could give to your marriage would be a divorce.

It's possible to be divorced in 6 months.

here is a gov website that explains the process, and you can even begin the divorce online...

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

I've read most of your posts @MonicaGeller010203 and wow, your marriage is the Category 5 hurricane of toxic relationship dynamics.

From the outside, your posts look like a manic episode, this behavior often stems from a severe, long-brewing mixture of deep insecurity and milestone anxiety (the 20th anniversary probaly triggered a massive "is this all my life is?" crisis).

Your marriage seems to have a deeply entrenched pattern of mutual retaliation. You know already that you invited that woman to create a loyalty test for your husband. Deep down, you probably wanted him to ignore her and prove himself to you. And he didn't play along.

He won't block her to show you that you can't control him, it's a power move. You force him to play your games, he retaliates, it all spirals. I bet that it's a pattern in your relationship.

You cannot fix a 20-year toxic marriage, and you shouldn't try. Sit down, drink some water, have a big ugly cry. The apartment listings and the phone blocking can wait until tomorrow. Try to just breathe.

I am so glad you booked that therapist. You seem to have been carrying a lot of pain and anger, and you deserve a safe space to unpack it all. Let her help you figure out your next steps.

When you threaten divorce, do you actually want to leave, or are you trying to hurt him the way he’s hurting you? If you look ahead to the next 5 years, do you actually want peace, or do you want to keep fighting this same war?

This has got to be in the top 5 of batshit crazy thread posters ive seen on mumsnet.
Drama drama drama.
Mountin out of a molehill.
Making most of it up in your own head.
Some comments you dont like your having deleted because you dont like what some are saying, sadly its the truth.

OP this is a you issue the other woman didnt and still dont care, you made yourselve look very childish and silly, and pissed yourselve off even more, over things that didnt happen, its in your head.
You still hooked up in the past 9 year ago, let it go or let your husband go.
Yet you almost had an affair yourselfe.

You need a good mirror and take a long hard look at the problem, before you ruin whats left of your own marriage.

I would expect them to respect me enough to block them if they knew it would make me feel better. I wouldn’t ask them to block them.

@MonicaGeller010203 you need to just step away from playing these games with him.

You cannot control another person, and you cannot MAKE them show you respect.

And why do you even want his respect? You have no respect for him, based on what you've told us about him and the names you have called him.

What is his 'respect' really worth to you anyway? A man who has apparently pursued 'friendships' with other women during your marriage, who has hit you, has allegedly gaslit you for years, and has now suggested you move out of the marital home.

I hope your first therapy session is useful, but please be realistic in your expectations of it.

Don't go "to find out why him blocking her is so important to me".

Centre yourself, not him.

Therapy is a process, it's not a 'one and done' thing, and it's not prescriptive.

A good therapist will help you identify and work through your issues, and reach your own conclusions.

One of the things you could discuss with them is, if your H definitely wants to separate, perhaps he could move into one of the 2 bedroom properties he found rather than you.

Please try to ground and calm yourself, and just stop responding to his pointed comments.
Remove yourself if possible, just walk away.

OP is requesting her husband block an entire chat group of friends. It will cut him off from his old friends and their activities and create drama. It will make a scene and generate gossip.

She’s indicated that she fell in love with someone else previously and told him about it. Also sounds like she is questioning her desire to stay with him. I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to cut off a friend group under these circumstances.

More outstanding advice

Ah, that’s a misunderstanding/ or I’ve not been very clear.

what I thought I had typed was that I felt like I was in love with first ex and only left him when I met the second ex. I didn’t love the second ex. I didn’t love the first one either but I was a naive teenager and thought I did. That’s what my sterling parents prepared me for.

I’ve said this before to others like you - the earlier you exit the quicker you and your kids can start to repair yourselves - this really isn’t fair on them.

reading your other posts I see he is still running classic script behavior. Honestly once you see this for what it is you won’t be able to unsee it. I have a gut feeling this won’t happen unless you stick to therapy which is why he is pushing the nuclear option of threatening you by telling you to leave.

I wonder what he will do next - actually I don’t. It’s predictable. He’ll either try escalating or some kind of love bombing.

he won’t change. My opinion on that isn’t an outlier.

Agreed. Someone has to do something different for things to change.

This is escalation.

Women’s Aid webpage might be useful. I hope he does not have access to your devices?

Again, brilliant advice.
He does seem to be escalating by involving the kids. Classic script. I expect he is terrified as he feels a loss of control. They always play the same games and the women continue to respond as per script requirements.
To quote someone I once knew ‘if you do what you’ve always done you’ll get what you’ve alway got’.

My point is this . We all could hire the neighbourhood Luke Perry lookalike (Cringe again? Dylan Mackay fan growing up in the 90s?, no? oh come on) as our assistant, help Luke out 24/7, hang out with Luke, treat Lukes DC equal to our own, drive around with Luke in the front seat next to me, list is endless yada yada, say Luke is the best dad around, and then

INSIST THERE IS NOTHING ROMANTIC GOING ON

We dont because most of us like to live authentically, and cannot carry a lie.

I agree I should have asked him to block her in 2018 and left if he didnt and not left it to 2026. I have a lot less estrogen than I had back then and when he says she meant nothing, I WANT PROOF.

oops sorry natty didnt mean to quote you on a general rant

use office lappy only for mumsnet. tomorrow google meet will figure it out

Yes hes terrified of the therapy idea

I even half believed his outrage at someone wanting to talk about themselves for 50+ Quid an hour when there are children starving in Africa and Asia

I cried over Preston Davey news last week for days , so I can be easily convinced by statements like the above

But then again, they have mental health therapy in Africa and Asia too and people use these services everywhere in the world. Also, did he not just buy a FIFTH TELEVISION in 5 years when there are ppl starving elsehwere.

PLus not want to be coupley with our spouse when Luke is in the same vicinity

Come on, put the drink down. This isn't doing you any good.

you really need to let that go. It’s misdirection. It’s not serving you.

Indeed. I’m not sure you entirely understand why that is though. Please mention it tomorrow. (Don’t waste an hour going in to detail about the woman, the party. It’s quite irrelevant - although I know you don’t feel that now).

I know you're right.....

I agree with you.
Separately to DH, OP has done the same thing with the children about this women. Her DS said the women is ugly, OP told him all about the situation when he started to dislike her in the car from when he was 12.
He agreed with his DM and hated her too once he heard the backstory about Dad.
This children have been dragged into this by both parents. I hope they divorce asap. It’s well past the point of blocking a phone number.