To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

Please go away

You said you wanted it to be deleted, you literally said you asked but they refused.

And why are we talking about race now…that doesn’t change whether or not a person is having a breakdown.

Thank you Sparkly

Ffs I am helping you here. You said you wanted it to be deleted, I reported it to ask them to delete it for you, because I think it is really ahitty of them to keep a thread up that the OP has asked to take down.

Im on your side on this bit 🤦‍♀️

Would you not want that in my situation Dallaz?

Oh OK, well I asked for it to be deleted as I felt bullied by whatshername socks when she said sure sure, in response to me recounting an extremely painful experience in my life and I only had the guts to admit to it, as Natty said she fell in love with someone which is how she finally left her ex

It is sorted now, as they have deleted the 'sure sure' post instead.

Please just leave here for your own sake you think this is batshit and exaggerated, but people have been through this shit and can come and help

Ok, I’ll leave it alone now. But do something for yourself with this, when you feel yourself writing out these rants on here, just reread them and play it out in your head first, try to find the rational side and just question your own understanding. I say it because so much of this feels like you are catastrophisizing rather than seeing things for what it really is.

Maybe it is all as bad as you are writing, but maybe it isn’t. You are very up and down with your replies even, it’s like you just assume everything is an attack when it isn’t necessarily.

OP your DH does not sound like a nice person. Nothing to do with the other women which may or may not be exaggerated, but with the way he talks to you. Don't leave your house that you've paid for... he can leave instead.. You're entitled to spend your money how you want to - therapy is a great place to start.

OK thanks @Boreded , I am sorry I didnt mean to come across as rude either earlier

No worries, I reacted to it and shouldn’t have, that’s what made it escalate.

DS1 has just come and ask me (home for the summer hols) , Did i tell dad to block old club asst.

FFS

You've seemed either manic or drunk or both on the entire thread. I suggested earlier getting some mental health support, and you've already said you wanted the thread deleted, so maybe step away and get some real life help instead of arguing with people online?

I want him to change and start respecting me. The reasons he give are no longer valid as its been 13 years

I’m a little worried this won’t be good advice for you, but you need a way to first organize your thoughts because they are all over the map.

I think you are in crisis and your marriage is definitely in crisis. There’s two of you and you are both playing into this in highly unhealthy ways. Probably best to stop thinking about him as the enemy or the cause and step back a bit. Recognize that his unhealthy actions have a cause just like your own do.

This may sound nuts but: You exist in this world. You are a person. You need to remember this. Ground yourself feet into the floor. Put your hand on your sternum. Breathe. Get back into your physical self and out of your head. Right this moment everything that’s happening is only in your head. The bad stuff from the past and the party already happened.

You can use AI like ChatGPT to get your thoughts together. Don’t put all this garbage you’ve typed here into it. Put basic facts. How old you are, how many years married, how many children. That you aren’t sure you want to be married. That you are not feeling secure and loved and not sure you love him. Let it prompt and ask you questions. Then ask it to give you back a clean summary of why you’ve come to counseling. Ask it to help you create a goal for your first session. But don’t go crazy and don’t use it like it’s a person. It knows something about what is healthy and unhealthy behaviors but it’s not your friend and has very limited abilities.

Thank you so much @OneSparklyGoat , I will try the Chat GPT and the grounding exercise now.

You can also ask it for grounding exercises. That’s super helpful. Don’t tell it you’re in crisis, it will send you a crisis hotline. Which is annoying and not helpful!

Use your business brain and look at this like you have a problem to solve.

@MonicaGeller010203 I've read the entire thread and you don't sound well at all. You invited someone you can't stand back into your life and are now in bits after nothing really happened and were asking complete strangers if you should see the 'handsome therapist'. There is much else.

You sound all over the place and I think you need to get proper medical help before this spirals anymore.

ETA and don't rely on AI, it is not real and not something that will help you.

OP has an appt with a counselor already.

I really think that from what she has posted on here she needs more than counselling.

DS1 has been brought into the middle to say I am nuts for asking dad to block his friend when nothing is going on. I have apologised and retracted the request as DS1 asked me to.

Do I really exist as my own person. I used to once upon a time.

Be institutionalised? what do you 'really' think

🤷‍♀️ Here we are. For the moment she needs to try and regulate her nervous system and get control of her mind. If anything she’s said about her life is true, she’s capable of both.

The counselor is tomorrow. Professional advice will help.