To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

Can’t believe this is still going

OMG. I'm absolutely knackered after reading all that, my reading ability has been tested to the limit. That was all so bat shit crazy!

Let him leave OP. The more you lift up the net curtains, the worse it gets.

I tried to read OPs posts on this thread but there are over 200(!) of them and I stopped when they became increasingly bizarre and exaggerated.

I think that OP DOES love drama and that's why she's still engaging with the thread and her kid was absolutely right.

I think the reason I stay is because of all the mistakes I make, increasingly so, as well which makes it harder to pin down who is insensible one here.

To a woman, all of you said it made no sense calling that woman to test him, to prove to her she was no threat not even a thr-, and that I was Queen for the day. The only thing I ended up being was a pathetic manic drama queen

The club they both went to together stopped at the end of 2019, but there has been meet ups regularly for biking etc all the way through to 2022, it is after 2022 that the meetings have been sporadic. Very little indeed in the past two years as the kids have aged out of their conversations on how the children do at tournaments that are only for under 18s

I think my convoluted logic was that finally now - she would not be the only person in the room he could focus on like 2017 to 2020 and he would just treat her like any of the other guests the other 20 - and he would focus on he and me celebrating our life together and 20+ years of it, like he did in the 2024 anniversary . But it was just like 2017, nothing has changed. Except I invited her in this time, while it was always him back then except for the very very beginning

The point is not anything happens or will happen with this woman. He can't offer her more than what she gets now from her current husband, so he will not.

But the point is he has checked out long ago, if he ever was checked in , from this marriage. He has no respect for it , or me. And that is on me too. All signs do point to leaving....and taking ownership of the part I played in this, the times I played dangerous games like setting up tests of our feeling for each other, which of course we always failed, but I kept setting them up anyway. Gah. I get why some people have found this a difficult horrific read

I wanted to re-write 2018 last weekend - that I had never played a pathetic pick me dance - she knew it, I knew it, he knew it, I played a pathetic pick me dance, and he picked her, to be there for her in whatever she needed from him whether that be immediate replies to her asking for some help or other at 9.15 am on a weekday morning when he would not answer even messages from close family unless someone was in the A&E (sometimes not even then)

2018 cannot be unwritten. She may have been all that , totally ugly inside, gloating , using etc but he picked her. And I still stayed.

She wanted her DS1 to replace mine as top player of the club , and she got H to do that. He was in a very very thin tight rope walk there, to do this without upsetting our DS1 - because he said he was coach foremost when at the club, father was only at home - but he celebrated her DS1s win like his own , while she would not celebrate his DSs wins in turn.

He played games, set us up to fail as a family - and now I do it too apparently having learnt from the best

Also with the cleaner thing, she wanted to move to Singapore when her leave to remain or what its called here ran out, and she finally ended up sleeping with H's friends college roomate in Singapore - supposedly to get a job there, in return. Which was unbelievable, but why would he lie that that happened.

The thing is , every single time he says he never introduced her to his friend's college roomate in Singapore - of all the millions of people in the UK and Singapore, he says it is an absolute coincidence that she knew his best friend's college roomate in Singapore

Why lie about something like this.

Sorry, this is childish nonsense.
Just end the relationship, it’s clearly over.
It’s totally mystifying why you set up that big extravaganza to show how committed you were to each other.

Maybe her son was actually just better at the sport than your son? I’d imagine the other kids all found it weird your son was always top player anyways if his dad is coach. Anyway none of this matters.

What do you want? What do you want next year to look like? What is realistic?

I think the therapy will do wonders for you. It’ll help you out things into perspective, why you hold your value as being a good person, cleaning, cooking, working, keeping the household happy before yourself, there is more to you, you need to find yourself and value yourself.
Stop the mind noise. I genuinely hope you stick with the therapy.

@MonicaGeller010203 you've mentioned mania a couple of times - do you have a diagnosed and medicated mental health condition? If not, might be worth making an appointment?

I do not have a diagnosed condition, but recently read up on Bipolar as H does have mood swings , and then realised these days, well I show signs too. Impulsivity, risk taking, what not

Yes will check, apparently 46 is a common age to get a first diagnosis of Bi polar for some reason

He is not just mad about the therapy book in, this morning, and sulking silently and grumpily over it - he is also annoyed I asked him to block her yesterday

I need help with the counselling and therapy - and maybe even addl. to come off my anti depressants as those I would think worsen mania and bouts of unbridled optimism like the anniversary planning , will ask my GP re that - so I get the clarity and quiet to stop all the mind noise, incidental tangential irrelevant concerns like a potential OW being ugly inside or beautiful inside (?!) as DC are grown and evil step mum and custody fears are less- to focus on me, and my family and whether anything is salvageable in my marriage.

Throughout the whole of 2017 and 2018, he kept pointing out what an amazing mother 'she' was - she had white boards for them in the evening in the activities, she set goals for them, hobby targets, she she she - best mum in the world really. 24/7 she was with them really as a SAHM. In the evenings, her H said she wanted him to help her cook instead of spending time with the DSs when he got home - so I guess that was the only hour or so they were allowed TV , when she and her H cooked supper.

All I did was work 50 hours a week in a corporate job , make 70K pa, and send DSs to a fancy prep school. Then cuddled them in the evenings when I came home, and let them do free play in the evenings or even horror watch television horror.

How could I compete ? I suggested cutting back hours and he said no to that. I could not change them to state schools once they had made friends in the private system.

He is the biggest hypocrite to walk this earth. Fine one of the.

What exactly do you want from this thread, OP? It's been 24 hours and 30 pages of you clearly explaining what an awful man your DH is, how he's picked her (apart from at the BBQ) and how much emotional damage his crush in 2018 still inflicts upon you. Everyone's agreed that you should get therapy before ending your marriage. Some posters have been really vulnerable in sharing their personal experiences to help you, quite possibly causing themselves fresh upset as they recount events.

What more do you want people to say?

So I should shut up now , Passing?

OK sorry will do

@MonicaGeller010203 I think you need to stop this now and leave him. His comment about him not paying the bills and leaving if you stop working due to your mental health are despicable. My H would love for me to give up work if that’s what I wanted and for him to cover the cost of that if he could.

I suggest you take a couple of weeks annual leave, tell him you’ve quit and he has to cover the bills and watch him leave. Then go back to work free as a bird.

You kept setting tests for him over the years as you were desperate for him to show you he loves you. He hasn’t and won’t.

Now do something about it.

Not saying that at all. I'm just not sure posting constantly is helping your emotional state.

Have you taken the day off work again?

Honestly, @MonicaGeller010203 , this is the most disturbing thread I have read on MN (along with Pink Poets, but for different reasons).

You have called your H all the worst names you can think of, and declare your marriage is dead.

Then write a post saying you could stay married if you both "detoxify" your attitudes, but he won't do that.

You told him that you would never think of him as your "knight in shining armour", but a couple of days ago you were ready to sing 'Islands in the Stream' with him to show everyone how happy you both were and what a great marriage you have.
And had a complete meltdown because he wouldn't do it!

But one thing that stands out for me is the amount of detail you remember and recount from YEARS ago, of who said or did what to whom, and when it happened, and then and then etc etc.
That is really bizarre, OP.

You are definitely coming across as manic, triggered by events at Sunday's bbq.

And your H is not coming across well either - controlling, manipulative, and abusive.

Forget all this bullshit about choosing a "handsome" therapist (more game playing). Do some research and find a therapist who specialises in the appropriate area.

And put the work in to sort yourself out.

Op I’ve read all your posts and have great sympathy for you. Your husband sounds hideous and you don’t sound unreasonable at all in anything you’ve done.

Whilst getting opinions and advice online is helpful and useful and you’ve had some great advice, you really CANNOT have strangers on an internet forum making these big decisions for you about the therapist. In person/online, male/female, these are decision you have to make yourself. You need to go with someone who you feel comfortable with and a setting where you can honestly and openly talk about everything in a safe space. You’re flitting back and forth based on this thread and you simply can’t run your life like that.