To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

I agree with this. You’re blaming your husband but he’s not actually done anything - it’s all you!!

Agree. But there are parts of the 20 years I have not mentioned here yet. He feels he is justified in saying I have to pay all the bills.

And this is where I need Natty to opine as well , hopefully she might come back. Because there were so many parallels in her life and mine.

You see the thing is ..... this is not easy, how will I tell a therapist all this....

After the cleaning lady thing - something happened to me sometime in my early to mid 30s.

I , uh, wanted to leave my marriage because I realised I had develpoed feelings for my colleague in the Washington DC offices (not in that job currently anymore, left soon after as too difficult to talk to him everyday) - at first he was a friend, then best friend. He treated me with respect, like a human. He thought I was beautiful inside and out. He was ready to progress 'us' if I left my unhappy marriage.

I came home told H the truth and I wanted to leave, he was right we were incompatible, which is why he had liked his cleaner so much.

He said he would file for full custody if I left and fight out as long as he had to, with whatever parental alienation he could do and accusations. He said every single pound would go on legal and I still would not get my DSs. I begged , I even said he could have DSs 4 days a week and I would 3, so he gets the bigger share

Anyway he called this colleague and yelled at him if you ever ever talk to my wife again about non work, I will find out , I will report you to your HR, I will ensure you are fired. I don't think the colleague was scared actually, but I was. And he noted I should no signs of actually leaving. But ....he was in DC anyway and my sons were here ....I resigned the job and went on to another job.

THIS is husband's justification for saying a wife like me should pay all the bills. I mean ....for a while , it made sense ....but 2017 and 2018 happened - why should I be punished twice? over and over again?

Natty, did ExH1 not threaten custody battles or did he. Just drawing a parallel, a part of me actually envied your story, if I had just had the damn affair , consumated it , and had the choice made for me - but my sons were here, and he was in DC. I can't even do an affair right. Nothing happened physically.

Please anyone who is getting physically or mentally affected reading my thread, pls feel free to unfollow. I have made a complete mess of my life.

I’ve reported again. It’s one thing to spout nonsense but another thing to keep trying to engage genuine posters who might be vulnerable.

@Passingthrough123 hard agree

It is really very scary that you all think these facts of my life , are unreal

I think you should ask MN to delete this thread - after you’ve saved it for yourself.

It is very outing and can only harm you if people who know you come across it

Instead focus on how you can best utilise your counselling sessions.

And start lining up your ducks to divorce your controlling husband.

So you had an emotional affair that brought you to the verge of leaving your marriage? And you still think you are the innocent victim?

I can't imagine this thread is doing you any good whatsoever. As I wrote above, you're an unreliable narrator and people responding in good faith aren't privy to the real story.

I wish you well. Therapy can help but only if you are honest with the therapist and (more importantly) with yourself.

Thanks Pansy, I will ask MNHQ to delete now, this is getting painful some of these responses , there is only so much I can take, though some responses were very very helpful indeed.

Thanks everyone, lets close the thread

MNHQ , Please can you delete my thread for me, I have self reported too. I am being bullied by many posters to close and delete the thread now.

Bullying? Really? That’s is a reach.

I think quite simply, you made a rod for your own back by inviting her. The reasoning behind it is poor. What happened to just being the better person and rising above it. You created an unnecessary drama.

This is the cycle. Look up cycle of abuse.

No one is bullying you. FFS. Mind you, I think it's a good idea to close the thread, but not because you're being bullied.

Please don't post anymore Natty, the thread is going to be deleted any minute now anyway as also self reported. I a bit sick of being told I am taking advantage of your vulnerability as an abuse victim for my trolly purposes.

Thanks for all your help, I have the therapy booked in, will sort my life out too like you did hopefully. Good luck with everything and thanks

Best of luck @MonicaGeller010203 and no you don’t have to pay all the bills because of an emotional affair that happened years ago and your DC are older now, there’s nothing he can hold over you.

Have your therapy and get him out of your life. And be happy. Remember you only get one life, choose how you wish to live it.

How to delete a post - hth.

Good luck @MonicaGeller010203

Before this disappears, I suspect you've fixated on this other woman because it gives you a way to fix things.
If only he blocks her it will all be ok.
Only it won't because she's not really the problem, she's just one symptom of it. Which is that your husband doesn't love or respect you, never has, and nothing you say it do, or try to get him to say or do, will change that.
Stop telling him your plans, get counselling, contact women's aid, try and get your finances out from his control. And leave him when you have faced up to the reality if your situation.
But he is not your friend. Stop trying to persuade him, convince him, keep your thoughts and plans secret from him.
Good luck.

good luck. Stick with the therapy - the more unhappy he is about it the more proof you have that it’s right for you :-)

Outstanding advice

For the record, not vulnerable and not a victim. Not triggered etc etc.

I am, however, ever so slightly evangelical about helping women in the same way I was helped. Pay it forward is my motto.

MNHQ said they don't delete unless there are privacy concerns. They have deleted the post I reported as personal attack, disbelieving my life narrative in a dismissive way. I do not have the energy to go back and report all those who said singing Islands on the stream is cringey, which may be true but is unkind and a personal attack.

@ unkind posters, Who made you the judger of what is cool and cringe unkind posters? Please please can those who don't want to engage kindly, unfollow and leave me alone please @Dontwearmysocks and @Pansykavalier

@SecretSquid , addressing my reply to you as there was concerns that Natty is vulnerable and this is bringing up her trauma, although MNHQ I guess assume she wont come back if that is the case, and if she does come back , she is an adult and others don't need to speak for her. I did not want to come back but can I share one thing

He told me today that no amount of therapy can fix me or change me. I had previously said the therapy is to see if my ego and immaturity in calling her on sunday can be adddressed by me with therapy support , made it clear to him its not to 'fix' him.

He said instead of therapy I should leave and has sent me rental adverts for 2 bedrooms - as he does not want 'our' money to pay for 'my' therapy. I can afford therapy better than I can moving out of the home I paid most of the mortgage on?

I have just replied I will be getting therapy rather than moving out , as I think that is more practical at the moment.

He would rather me move out than block a woman he barely talks to anymore. I would be less angry to be asked to move out for an actual OW? or Am I mad to say that. I can't wait for the therapy intro call tomorrow evening, I have so much to ask.

Thanks Natty. Your words have kept me going.....in more ways than I can say...please dont hesitate to step away if it starts bringing up bad memories ofc

Yeah they aren’t personal attacks. It is cringe. Report this as a test if you like. Unfortunately just because you don’t like what someone is saying doesn’t make it unsuitable for them to say on a public forum.