To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

@LadyWhistledownsSocietyPapers
Yes, as soon as i got rid of mine i got Sky TV installed :-)
What I didn't realise was how much energy i was spending on treading eggshells and trying to second guess him all the time so i could avoid nasty comments.

when i think back to what he was like I'm amazed i put up with it for so long. mind you he was a picnic compared to the one before. both men targeted me -clearly saw me as vulnerable despite the gobby feisty act.

the saddest thing is i learnt this pattern at home but never saw my my dad show anything other than a tantrum.

Although he did hit me and siblings - easy targets - mum was too enmeshed to do anything - there were no DV laws back then - we are talking pre Erin Pizzey days.
Even now she doesn't think she's in an abusive relationship because 'he's only hit me once years ago' - conveniently forgets horrible attack a few years ago where she refused to back down and the time he went for her in front of me and only stopped because i pushed him hard back in to his chair and spoke to him like a 4 year old - you really cant make this stuff up can you ?!

My life is like night and day now. My fella isn't perfect and sometimes drives me batshit as i do him, but we rarely shout (if we do its normally because one of us has inadvertently dropped something on the others foot while we are moving furniture - that type of thing) and if we do we apologise if not immediately as soon as we have finished what we were doing.
i have never felt controlled, coerced, constrained, fearful of what he will think etc. If he suddenly started to behave like these men i would assume he had a brain tumour or something like that as it would be so out of character. I doubt id have appreciated him in my 20's - i was conditioned to seek out the facsimile of my parents relationship (even though i thought i was avoiding that, the irony).
When i read threads on here and the women eventually post they have left it makes me silently cheer for them every time.

We need more investment in Refuges and domestic abuse support, these woman shouldn't have to be resorting to MN to get the support they need to start leaving.

having said that, i have no doubt that MN has had a huge influence on women realising they are in a bad relationship and taking action - in the UK at least.

Thanks @LadyWhistledownsSocietyPapers and @NattyKnitter116 ....

Uh and thanks @DallazMajor t

Will give Lundy another read, it has been a while. Read a bit of Matthew Hussey's book Love Life which came out last year it was I think. It is good, there is actually a paragraph in there written so well by Matt, about why some men do this. I was going to type it out here earlier.

But it was something along the lines of basically using humans as objects or toys in a sense to feel a certain way (excitement, pleasure, attention, validation, care, whatever) and then moving onto the next new shiny toy when the other one is sorta used up - and he says everyone does this to some extent when immature, espcially younger men, but that usually they would grow out of it

Some don't , as simple as that. One woman for attention, one to cook, one to bed while thinking about yet another one. And he says the mistake we make is in thinking these men aren't capable of caring. Hence we get tricked. Because they are capable of filling the role of sensitive listeners or carers sometimes, its just that they care about themselves more.

The values missing I think more are a sense of justice , fairness and honesty.

@NattyKnitter116 I had an unhealthy dynamic between my parents too as a child (one of them I am finally NC with) so I understand my previous choices.

MN can be an absolute godsend in these situations, and I have previously had a lot of support here on the relationship forum.

You need a psychiatrist not a divorce

The husband doesn't want her to get any sort of counselling or psychiatric help because it's a waste of money.

He sounds like a complete tosser.

How can I tell the counsellor all this, its going to be so awkward and embarrassing

Well there's no point in going if you're not going to tell the truth. All of it.

I’d recommend going on Noah AI.

just for some clarity.

Dont worry about it. Just put one foot in front of the other and go.

Decide in your head to commit to 10 sessions.

They will see what you’re carrying and ask questions.

If you don’t feel able to answer just say that.

There’s no judgement.

first time I got in front of recent psychotherapist I just ranted non stop and she asked me to fill in a questionnaire before the next session.

It was the same for about six sessions. I just ranted - had so much anger.

Eventually by the end of the session she gently asked me about how I’d feel if she introduced some structure going forward lol.

we got there in the end. I did it every week for 6 months.

I reached a few point where I felt it wasn’t going anywhere but was advised by a knowledgable friend to stick with it as this is when you often have an ‘aah’ moment and make a new connection about something. that’s exactly how it went. My son said the exact same thing. Apparently it’s a thing in therapy.
in the end it was the therapist that suggested we took a break and to come back if I needed to. I haven’t needed to but I know I will once one of my parents shuffles off as that’s going to kick off untold aggro with the drama queens in my family and I won’t be able to avoid them easily (depending on which parent goes first I will probably go NC with the lot of them once the probate and the estate is settled ).

What a bizarre post.

"someone who is married, who you think had feelings for you nine years ago"
No. Someone she thinks her husband had feelings for nine years ago.

"Planning a while anniversary around showing another couple that you’re better than them is a risky, and somewhat obvious, choice."

I promise you, it's really NOT an "obvious" choice.

Do you truly believe that if your DH blocks her your marriage can be saved?
You have got to be joking, nothing can save this marriage, it’s toxic. I really feel sorry for your DC, their head must be so messed up by this.

Have you really, specifically, chosen a ‘handsome’ therapist? I find that quite disturbing - like you’re just going to play games.

If this is real, when are you planning to get a grip and focus on the reality of your situation and seriously consider what options you might have?

Slept well, 12 to 8 actually, logged into work now

I feel as if the past two days was some sort of manic mood phase

Why don't you just read out all the posts you made on this thread?

OK I will change to one of the older female ones.

If the one I emailed yesterday asking for phone call or video call for tommorrow evening, does email back (has not yet) then I will say that I have realised that going to a male counsellor might become another point of contention at home, and apologise for going another route.

Or should I just say I found some one very near home maybe. We are not locked in till the intro call is over anyway right? Do you even have to give a reason if going elsewhere.

Agree Pansy, was in some strange anger yesterday (that I do not understand myself)

If we both want to we could detoxify it but he has to do his share, which he most likely won't but perhaps he might, if I commit to detoxification through the therapy.

He has ignored me this morning - you see I woke up feeling embarrassed and sheepish. This is where I would apologise and I just go back to being good - employee, mum, cleaner/cook/housekeeper par extraordinare, daughter/DIL/sister/SIL - until something like this again in a year where it all erupts to the surface.

But you guys got me to book therapy yesterday, and that is what he sulking about now and looked at me with despise this morning. I did something more than just rant then settle back in my corner, yesterday. Because of you lot.

If I had hauled myself to therapy 10 years ago, I think it actually would have been about H's covert abuse and coercive control coming out more clearly and me leaving him. That is why he did not ever want me to go.

But now at this point, it is quite possible, I myself have mental health issues at this point , this isn't just about the marriage and him anymore. I need help.

No playing games and toxic drama cycle to avoid the reality. Its scary to get real though but thank you for your messages yesterday, I cannot put off reality anymore

I will re-book now to a different counsellor

Thank you Natty, will do exactly that. And commit to this process.

I’m glad you can see this op as your posts yesterday were concerning. I think, whichever counsellor you chose, you go over what you have posted on this thread as there is no point in trying to discuss your marriage until you address the issues you clearly have

Someone on here called me an unreliable narrator. This has given me a new perspective

I have been an unreliable narrator of my own life, to my own self, since I got married

That is why there is so much jarring cognitive dissonance

I apologies for what the comments about him picking a cleaning lady to 'friend'
came out sounding like....

what one of the posters said about him always picking someone he can help out come out of no money or minimum wage and heavily in debt situations ....was enlightening and disturbing....

The anger is at him not the women or choice of women. The hypocrisy of him. Yesterday when I said about booking therapy, one of the first things he said ' If you are going to use 'mental health' as an excuse to take more steps from having already gone 4 days a week from 5 days a week at your work, to further reducing work hours or leaving work - and you think I am going to be a knight in shining armour and pay all the bills around here, you can think again, you will be paying the bills or I leave.....'

I just said ' Don't worry, I would never think of you as my knight in shining armour'

Think he said 'Good' to that

Surreal, toxic, disgusting conversation

But he hasn't been engaging with her for nine years, has he? This is so mad. The only person who caused him to engage at your party was you, by inviting her - he could hardly ignore someone who is a guest at your house.