To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

It has. That’s why you need out of it.

Couples counselling unlikely to work as at very least co-dependant and at worst abusive relationship. Not advised in these situations.

He could block her now and we can put this behind us

No! Bullshit. You can't put all this behind you on one action. Blocking her would do nothing about him
Calling you fat
Chatting up other women,
Hitting you!
.
.
.

You are still fixated on this other woman, (where nothing has actually happened!) and ignoring all the actual issues with your husband.

I missed the part where he hit you and does Facebook dating. This changes everything completely, I am sorry, this sounds like quite a toxic relationship.
This women from 9 years ago thing is only small in comparison

I know her husband loves the food I serve up when I host, he gets dry bread from his SAHM for 20 years. He also said I love how you are lost in music all the time we come over, X doesnt like music.
Her husband has been making comparisons between you and his wife, telling you what he loves about you and suggesting these are things his wife lacks. You should have shut these kinds of comments down if you wanted to maintain the moral high ground…but it sounds like you’ve been enjoying the idea of him thinking more highly of you than he does his wife. It suggests you’re very focused on her, and you’ve imagined you’re in some kind of competition - trying to win with your own husband and with hers.

Inviting her was bizarre, especially as you knew you still had some insecurity about her, when you could have just…not done that. It seems you were on edge and looking evidence, either to prove you were wrong years ago, or to prove you were right. If your husband realised this was where your mind was at it’s not surprising he was on edge too. Nobody likes feeling watched and/or as though they’re being tested.

Stop playing games. If you want to make it work, stop being passive aggressive, decline the appointment with the “handsome” male therapist, find a female therapist, and engage with them for help - not out of a desire for some kind of petty revenge. If you don’t want to be married any more, you really think your husband is the absolute dick you’ve shown him to be in this thread, and you’re 100% convinced he’s still lusting after this woman from years ago, don’t try to manipulate him into ending it - pull the trigger yourself and leave.

It was the op who went on Facebook dating

Join a local drama group :-)
seriously though find something that feeds the need that’s healthy for your head and body.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/seeking-help-for-a-mental-health-problem/mental-health-helplines/

Here are some links to mental health support phonelines/online chat. The times that they are open vary but please do not be put off by the idea that you have to be thinking of taking your own life to be allowed to speak to them. That's not true.

I would say that The Samaritans are the original and still the best. 116 123 is the number, free from any phone. (In the UK.) Open 24/7.

Might tide you over until you see a therapist. With all due respect, Mumsnet AIBU is probably not the best place to be discussing these things.

Or he could stop his games and block her.

He cant block her because he is not interested in her?? But this does not make sense?

I did shut it down Sporkmaiden, he saw me walking across the street once in 2021, and said why don't you come along to these biking trips, I actually arrange them so you can come too but you never join in. I just said I just ...can't right now, but thank you.

Also there was nothing to shut down, hes just a nice guy. She has two men one nice and one dickhead, and yet she is ugly inside. Men.....I got a book in 2018 called why men love bitches, its not what it sounds like about sex ie, and is an interesting reads. I might read it again actually , if he is not blocking her, I am leaving , I am terrified but I must. I must not back down. I must not find the humor in this, there is nothing funny about disrespect and a human being stripped of their dignity.

Empaths get treated very badly by a certain kind of man. But the tough thick skinned non-bleeding heart women can't be

He could block her now and we can put this behind us

No you can't.
If this situation is actually your "sad and pathetic" life, and the way you are reacting here is not alcohol-induced, then even if your husband killed this woman whilst singing "your" karaoke ditty, it wouldn't be enough to satisfy your jealousy.
I hope you get the help you desperately need.

Having dipped in and out of this thread all day, I genuinely hope it is genuine, for the sake of those posters who are now sharing their past experiences in good faith and trying to help. If it wasn't, I imagine MN would've taken it down hours ago.

However.

OP, little tip: calling women bitches, ugly, denigrating women for being a cleaner or a SAHM – not cool.

Baffling that you invited her.

So your DH went off for a walk with the woman’s husband (not her) who is part of his old friendship group that you say he prefers? If so, who cares.

The games sound cringe and performative, setting you up to be coupled and cliquey. It was always going to blow up in your faces and stir up old wounds.

I have been on mumsnet for 14 years.

op this is the craziest thread I have ever read! Hats off!

@MonicaGeller010203
I got a book in 2018 called why men love bitches, its not what it sounds like about sex ie, and is an interesting reads. I might read it again actually

if you have time to read, don’t waste it in that as it’s not going to help you now.
I highly recommend this for your situation:
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This is a link to the pdf of the book. Dont let your husband see you reading it.

if he is not blocking her, I am leaving , I am terrified but I must. I must not back down.

you need to leave anyway. I can guarantee that if he actually thinks there’s a real chance of you starting divorce proceedings he will do whatever it takes to keep you there so he will do this. At the moment he’s just exerting control.

sadky the playbook is always the same. These men are highly predictable.

when he inevitably blocks her and you decide to stay, book mark this thread so you can come back to it and reread it.

I suspect you arnt ready to divorce him yet and it may take years, even if you do carry on with therapy (I have a gut feeling he will also love bomb you and you will decide you don’t need the therapy).

like I said, when you’ve been controlled for this long it can take years. I truly hope you can gather the courage to quietly get your ducks in a row and leave.
read up about co ercive control.
keep some kind of diary, even if that’s just posting here. Ignore the unsupportive comments. It’s highly likely they’ve never had their head royally messed with for this long.
Remember no one else can do this for you. This is on you.

I’ve see women (middle class well heeled women at that) go back after being put in hospital and go on to have more kids!
it might bumble along but at some point they’ll be vulnerable again and he’ll start again.
I think the only reason my father hasn’t touched my mom again is because my sister and I told him we’d call the police if he did it again. I still expect him to lose control at some point in the future - hopefully she tells us or it’s bad enough for her to need hospital - although that’s not great at her age.
they’re a well off couple living in a nice part of the country amongst well heeled neighbours. No one has clue. Thus stuff crosses all boundaries but the behavior always follow the same pattern.

bookmark the thread! If you do make it to therapy let us know how it goes. (My gut is you’ll reject the therapist - I did this nearly 30 years ago - had forgotten about that, having previously said therapy wasn’t available. It was the wrong fit for me. It was NHS. I didn’t know I could ask for someone else. I had no funds either.

luckily your not in this position.
I suspect the only reason he hasn’t convinced you to give up work is because he’s able to control you enough and have you working and pay for stuff. He may start to suggest that next if he senses you getting stronger. Like I said. It’s a playbook.

Sadly I think it’s likely to be genuine. Not all controlled women are timid little wall flowers. You’d never have known I was one. It happened inside the home. If anything I was feisty, gobby and unboundaried. Was constantly accusing these men of affairs. It’s utterly crazy making. They literally turn you in to another creature.
edited to add: the language is part of it. She’s mirroring him. You do descend to their level over time.

Op you have kids plural?

What on earth do you think you're doing to them.

I was about to comment along the same lines.

I've been there. I thought I was going crazy. I was reactive.

I was wondering why so many people were thinking this was fake when I was thinking how genuine it was.

Why Does He Do That is an excellent book btw @MonicaGeller010203

This could easily have been me if Mumsnet existed when I was in my 20’s. (Apart the karaoke couple stuff and wealthier lifestyle). I really was an attention seeking drama queen. It’s what I had modelled growing up.

At least that’s how it looked because I kept complaining and not leaving. People lose patience eventually. Luckily you just need one person who listens for it to make a difference

even if she is fabricating or doing it for attention it’s still a useful thread for someone else dealing with this stuff.

maybe it’s an AI, but I don’t think they’re that good (yet!)

I did shut it down Sporkmaiden, he saw me walking across the street once in 2021, and said why don't you come along to these biking trips, I actually arrange them so you can come too but you never join in. I just said I just ...can't right now, but thank you.
Thats not shutting anything down, that’s declining a normal invitation to join a group activity - did you interpret it as him having ulterior motives?

Also there was nothing to shut down, hes just a nice guy.
I don’t know…it might have felt nice to you, but comparing you to his wife and implying you’re better than her in some ways doesn’t seem like a man who’s being particularly ‘nice’ to his wife.

Tbh, I think you might have a white knight on your hands with your H. They’re not necessarily looking to cheat, they love being the hero, and they tend to be very, very helpful. It can be an ego boost when a woman interprets it as romantic/sexual interest and reciprocates but, while some are doing it consciously, I’ve met men like this who are successfully lying to themselves. They aren’t looking to have an affair, convince themselves they’re just being friendly, and dismiss any evidence that the woman might have other ideas so they can carry on getting the ego kibbles. Seems vaguely similar to what you’ve done in suggesting this woman’s husband is “just a nice guy” when he’s paying you inappropriate complements that would almost certainly upset his wife if she knew about them.

She has two men one nice and one dickhead, and yet she is ugly inside.
Focusing on and talking shit about her won’t make you feel better about yourself. This kind of bitterness festers, you need to drop it.

if he is not blocking her, I am leaving
What would blocking her achieve? If he’s as bad as you’ve said, you should leave anyway.

I think you need to understand that you are not responsible for your husbands happiness, only your own. He sounds like a dick who does not appreciate your efforts anyway so I would stop bothering.

So glad you posted that. I starting to feel like the line voice of sanity in the wind!

I could feel the emotions as I was reading it and it just reminded me how awful it was feeling that, being made to feel like YOU'RE the one who has something wrong with you.

I am so glad I'm out of that cycle. The OP will be too and realise what it feels like to have a peaceful mind for once.

I got a pet he didn't want after he was gone, lots of new books, joined the gym and started going to the theatre and comedy shows with my friends that he never liked - for example just because maybe once I expressed irritation over something mild years ago I'd forgotten aout, so apparently he would then never be in whoevers company again to 'stick up for me' - when it wasn't an issue to me, I just stupidly thought I could vent to someone who was supposed to be my partner.

Or if I expressed concern (I never disclosed really personal things to him) about a friend or family member, he would then never want to be around them again because they were a drama queen or he didn't want to be round anyone like that. Never wanted to go to family things or group events unless they were his side of the family, or his group events.

I did not mean to go on so much! I'm just thinking of how my life is different and I can do things, either by myself or with my friends and family without feeling I would be doing something wrong. Or feeling embarrassed I turned up at anything to do with me on my own while almost everyone else had their husband with them.

@MonicaGeller010203 you will have this too.

I mean this with kindness but you need to get a fucking grip.

Everyone commenting on here giving great advice is wasting time. It’s obvious you aren’t going to do anything to resolve this issue and you’re just enjoying the attention.

There's nothing kind about your post. It's not even tough love or whatever people try to dress it up as, you're just making out she's an attention seeker. I'd imagine that's the type of thing she hears from her husband.

She Is an attention seeker. Being in a marriage where your partner is an arsehole will do that to anyone.

it was meant with kindness. Sometimes people need a reality check.