To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

This all sounds very immature and cringy. Honestly wonder how people do this type of shit and end up with friends.

Relax. Some beer, some food, some laughs and chats. That’s enough!

You're a fool for inviting them, just cut ties and be done with it.

Hi Monica thanks for getting in touch and sharing some of what's brought you to seek some counselling support.

I currently have a few options for meeting in-person which I can offer you;

Mondays at 6:30pm (starting Monday 6th July)
Wednesdays at 6:45pm (starting Wednesday 1st or 8th of July)
Fridays at 1pm (starting Friday 3rd or 10th of July)

How would any of these options work for you?

Let me know what you think and we can go from there.

Thanks again for reaching out.

Warm regards,
XX

Why would you post this?

Murasaki wondered how they got back so soon, so thought she may be able to opine on authenticity of quick email being troll etc

I don't know, I'm just waiting for Natty to advise on in person on 1st July or online? He has not given me an option though?

I redacted names, so why cant I actually?

I'm really glad you are in a better place and with a much better man 💐

I know it's a long process but she's ignoring everything people are writing to her (is she even reading half of it?) and keeps posting inane stuff about this other woman which is doing her and her mental health no good at all.

This has been 9 years and she has reanimated things as a test to her waste of skin H.

OP on Saturday you had your friends around you to celebrate your anniversary, are there none of those women you could call to discuss what happened and what their assessment was?

Please don’t put this on Natty - someone who has come on here and given her support and shared her experience of a DA relationship.

I have read all your messages and it really sound like alot of this is happening in your head.
I don't understand why you invited the woman, and I don't understand the need to have an anniversary party every year, it seems quite insecure.
Do I you and your husband get on well on a daily basis or argue alot? Hopefully you can get past this jealousy and have be honest conversations with your husband

OK you decide then

Somebody decide then. 1st July, online or in person? Which is better, seriously.

First, I am very glad you have booked a therapist appointment. In the kindest way possible, as I was reading through your replies, I thought it was drunken ramblings, winding yourself and husband up, until I saw you don’t drink. Speaking to a professional is prudent at this point, so a big pat on the back for taking that step.

Your later posts suggest that the party yesterday perhaps should be the least of your worries. Putting things in order…

1. Your H became over-friendly with the cleaner.
2. Your H hit you.
3. Your H became over-friendly with your neighbour (as with the cleaner, trying to be a knight in shining armour, perhaps?).
4. You left the neighbours WhatsApp group and moved house.
5. You invited the over-friendly neighbour to your anniversary party.
6. Your H got in a huff because he thought you were interrupting them on purpose and left.
7. You got in a huff because he seems to still fancy the neighbour and signed up to Facebook dating.
8. Your H called you ‘fatty’ and got mad that you were trying to improve your mental health with therapy.

Is that kind of the very basic crux of it?

From the surface, I think your marriage as it currently stands/on its current trajectory has run its course. Of course, we only know one side of the story, but your husband’s behaviour is unacceptable. Furthermore, I have been the child in a marriage that was, quite frankly, toxic, and it’s led me to be resentful of both parents for staying in it longer than they should because it made things bloody miserable for everyone.

Speak with your therapist. Speak with your husband. Set out a plan that you are comfortable with, whether that be meeting a solicitor and getting ducks in a row or moving into couples counselling.

Take a deep breath. Spiralling won’t do any good for you or your children, and will only add fuel to your husband’s fire.

youre a game player / you play games with your husband and your playing games in here ‘choose for me’ - that’s not other posters responsibility and especially not posters who have shown vulnerability

I'm happy to play along with fictional posts as it costs me nothing and passes the time and maybe this is true - but those who recognise themselves in the situation need to be careful not to get pulled in

I cant confide in friends IRL, Lugol. That did not work well in 2017/2018

I see my Dcousin and Dsis both next week though

Okay so do I meet in person? I'll go in person. Y'all have been telling me to get out in fresh air all day.

If H finds out it is a male counsellor, in person alone for 30 mins, he will make my manic reactions look like child's play in comparison

Thanks WEB, when you put my life in that list, it just looks so sad and pathetic does it not

He could block her now and we can put this behind us

A poster upthread has already said why meeting in person is a bad idea

I'm guessing you changed to a male precisely so you could get a reaction from your husband. Suggest you think about your kids next time you’re looking for some drama

My dad hit my mum once in the early years. She said the same. He never hit her again but it didn’t stop all the other stuff. Then last year he tried to strangle her. She’s unbelievably still there. It is what it is. I can’t do anything about it - even if I called the police they’d both deny it.

So leave him! Why are you wanting to stay? Every single thing you say about him reinforces that you hate him and he makes you unhappy. The only good thing you’ve said is that he’s handsome. Are you so shallow that that’s what you’d stay for?

Just separate, stop playing games with a man you hate.

Sad and pathetic? No. We forgive a lot of things when we are in love and/or have an idea of how we want our life to be. And sometimes it’s just hard to see things for what they truly are when you’re in the thick of it. It’s never too late to make a change. Heck, you’re only in your 40s! You have decades left to enjoy if you can just take that step towards a positive future now, whether that’s with your H or without him.

Oh God .....

:(

Ok replying now to request online, thx

No I can’t do that. You have to make these decisions yourself.

i can say that online worked for me as i was able to fit it in to work hours, but i know other people who swear by face to face.

Have you been drinking again this afternoon?

I am worried Beardy might be right so will go with online, but this time the attraction to drama is to forget this pain a little somehow by focussing on something else outside the family, not to get a rise out of H

you need to do all this yourself. Otherwise you’re abdicating responsibility.

do you normally struggle with this kind of thing?
actually don’t answer that. Talk about it in therapy.