To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

I have skipped through the first two or three who have lovely profiles but also look his type, waif like etc - to the Grandmas

THis is what he has made me

He doesn’t even need to know you are seeing a therapist

Oh he will know, we are both fully wfh in finance at the moment

Picking a male therapist

@MonicaGeller010203 I say this very gently, but you are clearly still drunk. You barely had 4 hours sleep and are carrying on in the same vein. I know you're still drunk because I used to do the same thing. I would get so drunk that I passed out on the sofa, wake up and carry on drinking.

Believe me when I say, alcohol will take any problem you have and will magnify it by 100%. I think you genuinely need to stop drinking and try counselling to explore why you feel the need to get so bladdered.
In my case, I was covering up years of abuse. It wasn't until I stopped and got counselling that I realised why. I've been sober coming up to 9 years now.

I advise you to work out your problems in counselling. Until then, you can't possibly see the wood for the trees. I wish you the best 💐

My personal experience of seeing therapists is that they are confidential with the caveat if they think you are a risk to yourself or others. I'd see one alone, not as 'couples therapy' for now. You may choose to go to couples therapy later, but for now you need persoanl 1-1 attention. You don't have to tell anyone you are going, certainly not him.

I only got to the first line of your post and had to say this

Here comes the really really scary part - did not touch any drinks apart from water and apple juice yesterday though I served a little for the adult guests. I have high Blood pressure and my dad was the same, with a bad reaction to wine potentially involved on the night he got a stroke, 30 plus years ago.

I never was drunk, last night or this morning hungover. That was purely ugly crying and typing, just me. No spirits to blame

I have read all of this thread and think you shouldn’t talk yourself out of throwing him out. He is not making you happy and your response is irrational because the situation he has put you in is unreasonable with 20 years of roving eyes. Have you noticed that he always targets women where there is a clear power imbalance probably to make himself feel like the big man. Can you have the therapy sessions in person or, if they must be at a distance, go sit in your car for privacy? 💐

He’ll probably be relieved that you are seeking therapy. Best of luck with it. The home sounds like a very toxic environment. You have allowed this fester, confided in your children who are barely adults now. Making this their existence. Nothing worse than being stuck between two
parents who seek attention, validation, and want you to pick a side.
They’ll be gone soon, you’ll regret the years wasted.

Well I did suggest I would go for therapy at the time 8 years ago and probably few times since then and he has made it clear he thinks therapy is for 'insane ppl who have money to throw around' as opposed to buying the latest new tech camera to take pics of your friend's spouse you see.

But I do not care if he does not like it one bit. He doesn't like it , thats too bad. for him.

What’s your blood pressure right now?

You have got the measure of him, sad to say Daragaon

Just pack him a small bag and say you think you’d like a trial separation and for him to find somewhere else to sleep for a while.

In that time, see if your life improves. He may or may not want to rekindle though even if you decide you want to, so bear that in mind before going ahead.

I don't know Sparkly , can't be good, but the time she had the sprained neck and her family decided to stay over one night so I could care for her and cook for them, I ended up in hospital myself with a blood pressure of 235/125. I did know that was humanly possible till then

If he had sung on the karaoke would you be saying all this?

He won't go Happywife if I ask him to, as I have made this house into something like out of a magazine out in the leafy suburbs - and he won't go easy. He knows his rights and how to trample on others' rights as well

Maybe if I don't engage though, he will eventually bugger off out of boredom
No more emotions and entertainment for him
Pick me dancing, karoake singing, cooking for him and his women. Just greyrock

Before he stalked off with her husband grumpily up a nearby hill (!!) , he muttered loudly do you always have to make everything so unpleasant???!

Yeah, no.

Therapist booked

Everything you have typed about her leaves the impression that you are obsessed. “His women”?

You invited her for unhealthy reasons to what should have been a lovely celebration.

It’s become difficult to believe that you weren’t fully aware of her every move last night. Even your DS has seen it.

I think it maybe you that owes your DH an apology because you seem more entangled emotionally with this woman than him.

It’s a reasonable question…
Yesterday op wanted to publicly demonstrate to the supposed other woman how strong her marriage is by singing a mushy duet; today the marriage is over because he refused to perform?

Finally went with a female counsellor

How on earth is your dh an equal partner? He is a manchild who has far too much time on his hand which he used to pursue his hobbies and interests outside of the home and family, one of which was his infatuation with this woman.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. You calling him inside yesterday is perfectly normal, for a couple who are jointly hosting a party. You could have been calling him for any number of reason, to serve guests etc. The fact he took this to mean you were suspicious of his behaviour with OW is on him, not you.

He has been gaslighting you and haranguing you over your insecurity for ages, no wonder you're besides yourself with anger and hurt.

He heard me getting food in the kitchen for myself, tons of stuff leftover and batch cooked over the weekend he knows where everything is.

And he walks in ' Ah feeding yourself again my lovely fatty?'

I smiled and went on plating up my lunch. Then he goes heard you reminding, DS2 about lunch a while ago, what about me ? Don't you care if I have lunch or not? The boys and you run this place eh...' some such nonsense to get a reaction

I smiled with zen and said you know where everything is, eat if you want to

Thank you , you have his measure correctly. If your post is real, then thank you

I have read all you’ve said @MonicaGeller010203 and have swayed from initially thinking that you are very emotionally immature to realising that you’re actually worn down by years of compromising your self esteem by trying to appease your H. He’s had you wrapped around his finger making you believe you’ve got to bend over backwards to accommodate his lifestyle, all while you’re financially supporting him. This is grim stuff. From what you’ve said, he definitely chose a ‘suitable’ wife for the life he wanted. He’s gaslit you into believing his wandering eye is in your imagination and, worse, it’s built up into you behaving in quite a deranged way. At first I couldn’t get my head around your description of ‘girls’ and ‘dads’ with daft games, it sounds at best Abigail’s Party and worst like you’re trying to create something domestically ‘perfect’ that doesn’t exist in real life. It honestly sounds like you’re trying to be hostess with the mostest to please him in his avoidance of adult responsibilities. Drop all that socialising nonsense, it has papered over what sounds like a very toxic relationship. If you want to save the marriage (not sure why you would, he seems to have been using you & doesn’t respect you) have a night away, just you two, and see how he is. If not fast forward a divorce, it will be awful, but you’ll shed a dead beat and find out who your real friends are!

Thank you your words have brought the tears again, thank you for being kind.

Carpedi-mum , I like that - I need to too.

I will not sway this time

For a brief moment, I thought you had chosen to take some positive steps. Evidently not.

You really had nothing to drink last night? That surprises me, as so many of your posts seemed to be alcohol-fueled. I could sort of understand your overreactions, paranoia, and self-destructive behaviour if alcohol had been involved. But if you were stone cold sober, that puts a different complexion on things entirely.

You seem to be an unreliable narrator of the events of your life, so it's hard to tell what has actually happened and what you're inventing or exaggerating or misremembering. Once again, of course you can end your marriage if you choose to. I still think therapy would help you work out how to cope with things, whether you stay married or decide to divorce.