To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

It wasnt meant to be look at us all perfect, with the couples stuff

it was more the vibe of ....despite everything , here we are , we made it.

It's a good thing this happened. Because actually we did not make it anywhere. I papered it over, and held it together for us. Completely sublimating my ego and my pride and my dignity.

@MonicaGeller010203 I'm starting to agree with @Carpedimum in that, at first, I thought you were drunk and overanalyzing. Now that you've put me right and said you didn't touch a drop of alcohol (sorry I misjudged the situation), I really do think that your relationship is utterly toxic and your best bet is to get single counselling, with a view to getting out. 💐

what did people think of his ' eating again? My lovely fatty' remark this afternoon

to be fair it may have been ' Ah eating again, my lovely little fatty'

I literally had breakfast in the morning and now having a normal portion for lunch, but if I wasn't so busy for 20 years paying all the bills perhaps I would have time to go to the gym eh? Must take leaf out of his women's books. Must take leaf out of their books. Do they read though? he never reads.

Fucker's had to warm up his own lunch now , poor mite

OP I don’t think any of this shit with the BBQ matters tbh. You have spoken about your husband with such loathing, contempt and disgust that I think your marriage ran its course long ago. Whether that’s because you’re crazy and paranoid or because he’s a lecherous gaslighter doesn’t really matter anymore… you despise him. You also seem to hate yourself for apparently being boring, dowdy, plain, cringe etc etc. So clearly your self esteem is on the floor from this marriage. It’s making you nasty, vengeful, rude, cruel and judgemental. So divorce him and move on with your life and be a healthier, happier you.

Yes I think this is it

have some therapy and end the marriage.

at the moment you sound consumed by bitterness and that’s not healthy. You can have a better life

Honestly it's hard not to think that's been added later as an embellishment, especially as you're now seeking reactions to it, having not had the impact you'd hoped. If that was really what he'd said, you'd have surely mentioned it upfront and the whole story would've been framed that way with the DH as the character he's now being written as, whereas in the initial dilemma it was quite different and you were desperate for him to sing karaoke and prove his devotion to you.

So yeah, hard to believe it tbh. But sure someone will jump on and slag him off to the nth degree if that's what you're seeking. I thought you were going to nap.

ETA: my bad, i see this was apparently a comment today. Still, it's hard to follow the story as it's evolved and he's changed from relatively normal guy going for a walk to avoid karaoke into this demon bastard with countless women on the side, so i still think it sounds like an extra bit of spice to provoke more slagging. It's kind of inkeeping with your own nutty ideas around acting dead inside and making him sing on videos etc. so really not all that reliable narration.

I agree.
what did people think of his ' eating again? My lovely fatty' remark this afternoon.
OP fishing for a different reaction to bash the DH. It is a madhouse.

I’ve been pretty sympathetic to your husband through the thread. Based on yesterday, he really hadn’t done much wrong. And a lot of your other claims could be seen very differently through someone else’s eyes. But if really does act like this towards you, then that’s not right. It’s not normal to be insulted by your partner like that. And you should know this. Which really does beg the question of why you invited someone you hate, to pretend to play happy families with someone you also despise. I’m really glad you’ve started getting therapy, but if this is real, you need to look at why you’re continuing this sham of a relationship.

I just don't believe the OP wasn't drinking. And I think the narrative is being changed as we go along to elicit sympathy.

Literally no adult would play party games and sing a soppy duet sober st a party, or even think of doing so.

Op this was someone you were wanting to show off to your friends yesterday as being the prize catch, so much so that you invited someone you actively despise, to show off how happy you are.
Your posts are getting more confusing as you go along

Well this is exactly why the 'fatty' comment would have been inserted, and mentioned again for feedback. Because some people were still sympathetic to him, so best to add in some unequivocally hateful comment and then OP wins. The 'what did you think of... ' checking in is not like any hurt wife I've ever seen posting on here. It's either made up or fucked up, but either way it's hard to help.

I am struggling to see what he did wrong yesterday other than over react to you calling him in for lunch when he was talking to this woman. All he did was chat with her and thinks that as soon as you saw, you called him away. Given you have been banging on about his 'crush' for years, no wonder he thought you did it on purpose!

You should not have invited her. Be this to prove you believed him about fancying her or to show her what a lovely life/house/marriage you have. Why the fuck would you do that? All this has done is drag up the feelings of resentment on both sides. So he might have had a bit of a crush but so what so long as he didn't have an affair. Equally, he might not and is still pissed off that you couldn't cope with him having a female friend. Her husband does not appear to have an issue with them being friends. Maybe he was around back in the day when your husband went round for a cuppa and to discuss the club.

Given your complete lack of trust I don't know how you have lasted this long. That aside, given what you have said, it sounds like you are massively over reacting to what happened at the party. There is nothing to say that he did/still fancies her (only that he was expecting drama and thought you delivered - I know you say you didn't mean to call him away from her, but calling a grown man inside for food when he knew it was available is a bit much and you can see why he thought you did it on purpose). You can also see that given he was pissed off with you, why he wouldn't want to sing a sappy duet! Your posts have become more and more unhinged OP. Step away from the dating sites ffs and go and get some fresh air.

What held you back from turning round, scowling at him and saying 'What the FUCK did you say?' to that?

I'm all for dignity, restraint and icy silence. But that sounds like goading from him. What happens if you give him both barrels?

Also, does he resemble Ryan Gosling? No, didn't think so

Yeah, every time the thread starts to lull, OP throws another anti-DH zinger in to wind people up again.

Yes he was very good looking

I was superficial too back then

I don't know, he usually says fatty affectionately he says, I was very slim too till crossing 40....and he used to say things like here comes my gorgeous wife, all the time wolfwhistling

All of this sounds so cringe

I can see that. This is my life.

Today when he said fatty, just could not be arsed, no reaction, grey rock

But he managed to get me respond to his whatsapps a while go, linking newsarticles , his uni friend is on trial for a pretty serious crime, lost his job everything- had replied, Oh my God stunned' before I could stop

You need to end this relationship. You are never going to get what you want from your DH. You can’t force someone to be kind, decent or respectful. The relationship sounds very complicated with power dynamics at play. I think a marriage should be your safe place and if it’s not you need to extricate yourself.

Not Ryan G

More a young Pierce Brosnan in height and build when I met him , square jawed and all

He has kept all of it except the hair.

I had nothing to show off....

everyone else around me can see I suppose

@MonicaGeller010203 but yesterday you thought you had, that was the sole purpose of the party

@MonicaGeller010203

Meant to quote you rather than myself!

Absolutely mean every word. As someone who's escaped a gaslighting narcissistic abuser, I recognise that how you have behaved may appear strange at first (inviting the OW for example), however in the context of a husband who's been chasing other women for decades and gaslighting you, while leaving you to do the lion's share of everything including the breadwinning, your reaction makes complete sense.

Btw, IME such sustained cheating is also a form of abuse given the amount of lying, gaslighting and withholding the truth that goes into it.

Those posters who've piled on and criticised you have probably been lucky enough never to have had such relationships. I really believe you'd have had much more support and understanding had you posted in Relationships rather than Aibu. Consider posting in Relationships for your follow-on thread, you will need one I think.

Sending you support and a handhold.

Also both upper management but now OP is a sugar mama.

He earns better now Sparkly, from 8/9 years ago actually now that I think about it he has started trying to.

Thank you @Whowhenwhat ....booked in the intro section as advised on here

I see that. I admit I am a fool if that was not clear in the OP