To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

You’re horribilizing your marriage because you’re having a little crisis. Many of these comments are about protecting yourself by saying the worst.

He was probably attracted to her and enjoyed the attention. That means little to nothing and telling you so obviously wouldn’t have been a good idea. You know how this works because you’ve also had crushes and feelings during your marriage. It’s not uncommon and you should let it go. It sounds like you both have issues with jealousy.

He can’t engage with you while you are like this. Alcohol fueled the problem that you created by inviting this couple.

You lost a friend because you chose a woman that mocked you and showed no respect for your marriage over someone that actually cared about you. Start there. Leave his actions out of it for now. It’s all kinds of unhealthy and shitty that you invited her to your anniversary. Is there someone you can talk to you this?

Also, AIBU is not for this level of problem! Your marriage is more important than this!

I dont care what they think

Yeah right.

He needs to leave you. You should have left years ago holding onto this vengeance for years.
Monica is a fictional character you’ve referred to yourself as Monica on a few occasions. You need a lot of therapy. You are on the path of self destruction, dragging this back into your life for the drama. He broke the friendship, moved away, denied any crush, seriously a crush is nothing, it’s natural, I’ve had a few brief crushes in my time. I’d never act on it.
You begging her to include him in a cycling group. wtf.

Yes this. I have read every post and the OP is not, to my mind, currently behaving rationally. Drunk and upset is one thing- but presumably she has largely sobered up by now.

I think OP might need to put down the leftover vodka first.

Maybe this is a breakdown, never cried like this before. Pathetic

You are bonkers. My goodness. You’ve a persecution complex.

You are obsessed with this woman but she is completely irrelevant to your marriage.

you don’t like your husband anymore and you’re now looking back on your whole lives to twist it all to him being the bad guy. It’s a waste of your time and emotional energy

just tell him you want to divorce and try and sort it all amicably for your kids sake

It’s a breakdown. You’re probably hungover, got little sleep, and not in your right mind.

Are you working today? You need to hydrate and start taking care of yourself. Take a good shower, take a long walk in nature, do some breathing exercises and clear your brain. If you pray, do that. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror for a few seconds and remember who you are.

This isn’t your life. It was a bad few hours and it’s over now.

I genuinely 100pc believe on reflection, she left at that exact moment as she cannot tolerate a husband in the room taking pics enthusiastically of his own wife rather than her.

Some men dote on their average looking but intelligent kind lovely wives and it is something beautiful to see.....

I have never felt this angry with H even ten years ago, I was too busy playing pick me largely then even though he was fucking never going to leave to a desk under the stairs, he lives the good life here, has all the expensive boy toys her H can only dream of. Dick head.

Right I am off now, thanks for those who spoke kind words, I usually read mostly on here not write - going back to that, there are some insightful threads......thanks again to those who spoke with kindness empathy even pity

If you want to end your marriage, go about it properly. Playing games will get you nowhere, as you’ve discovered. Making bizarre demands will achieve nothing. Insisting your husband record a video in which he sings and pledges his undying love to you, and then sending it to this couple? That’s insane, you must recognise that.

You clearly have a lot of resentment and anger towards your husband. I have no idea whether these feelings are justified, but at the end of the day you can choose to call time on the marriage if you want to. I would say from the way you’re posting that you aren’t seeing the situation at all clearly. Which is why I and many other PPs have urged you to seek therapy. No matter what happens with your relationship, decent therapy can only help you.

But HE didn't blow anything yesterday. The only thing he did was have a conversation with her, and then go for a walk with HER husband. He didn't flirt, he didn't profess his undying love for her. He didn't make a fool of himself, or lead anyone else to think he was acting in any way inappropriatly with a woman that YOU invited. He didn't even really spend time with her. You've built up this massive betrayal in your mind over the last day, but even your own son thinks that this is something you did, not your husband.

You're not thinking rationally here, it's clear you haven't had enough sleep and you're coming across like you're still drinking. Walk away from the laptop. You don't have work, so get some sleep, and later, you need to look at getting some therapy. Your actions since last night have not been rational and are not in your own interests. No sudden decisions, talk to someone. But not your son or husband right now.

I fear that those been sympathetic are feeding into your anxiety. My Dsis lives with a jealous torturer who constantly believes she is attracted to other people. He clings onto any spec of support that justifies his absolute madness. Funnily enough he was fine when she was 7 stone heavier, she lost a lot of weight 8 years ago and lives in hell. She’s too soft. I would have had a new patio put in years ago, bought myself a large shovel.

He is a grown ass man, if he wants me and this life, he leave that whatsapp group and block her, he can still talk to her husband. Just the exact same thing he asked me to do when he thought the guy from high school, the cutest most popular guy from High school said Hi and I said Hi back and he said is that you now in your DP (this was 8 years ago too) and I said yes, and he said wow nice and then H grabbed my phone and blocked him

So he can do the same or leave. How am I being insane.

I dont think this is real, but on the off chance it is all of us are now players in the OP's drama.
Feel sorry for the kids- who will either rebel into being totally normal or have absolutely no idea how to relate to other people in a sensible way.

He has to say something to her husband before leaving the group though, as he has left it 8 years too late to leave. and they rarely use it anymore. He should say 'Dave, just message me direct if you wanna talk, cheers mate/bro' whatever and then leave and block her. And unfriend her on fb too. If he wants anything amicable still with me

Ill take the nap, walk , destress, think it over and then see how I can get H to leave my house

I think you need to focus on your own accountability here. You played games with him and with your marriage by inviting her.
It was extremely unfair to him and bound to blow up. You thought you were being the cool girl and going to show her, instead you ruined your own anniversary. Don’t put that on him.

You’re married so that house is a marital asset

How am I being insane.

You are not insane, @MonicaGeller010203

You are being irrational.

Plus you are clearly very emotionally immature.

A lethal combination.

You need help.

Can you stop the rumination and find an experienced counsellor.

Okay on better help and NHS mind plan now to find someone and also self soothe today. Thanks everyone

https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/using-our-therapist-directory/

Great advice. Whatever happens OP- good luck.

@MonicaGeller010203

Please cani suggest you see a counsellor. Just for yourself.

Maybe your husband is a terrible man and you need to be free of him. Or maybe you need to talk to someone else who can unravel some of these insecurities.

Or maybe both.

But for what it is worth, you are clearly very unhappy and left to your own thoughts you are dealing rationally with this.

Please get some help before you decide how to proceed.

not dealing rationally with this

Hi @Pansykavalier , I am on the site and I suddenly realised I am terrified, as if H knows I am confiding in someone and getting some support, he will immediately win them over to his side. irrational fear to some extent but not fully. He has tried to undermine a few of my friendships in the new group of ladies as well by trying to charm one or two

The therapist would not be allowed professionally to talk to him right? I ask this with full sanity. 20 years of living with him has made me this way.