To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

The problem with your plan is everyone saw the reality last night.

Just move on.

YOU INVITED THEM.

Stop playing games.

Your husband doesn't have to publically humiliate himself for your batshit demands.

Talk to him like an adult.

If there is nothing going on, and your jealousy has ruined the marriage, he could well decide he wants to leave and I wouldn't blame him whatsoever.

Why did she come then. I know her husband loves the food I serve up when I host, he gets dry bread from his SAHM for 20 years. He also said I love how you are lost in music all the time we come over, X doesnt like music. Who DOESNT like MUSIC ?????? For this alone, H and his appalling taste should be divorced. This is embarrassing, his choice to put on a pedestal is for no reason but to humiliate me

she came to meet my new neighbours, and took a few numbers to gossip to

Your obsession with this other woman is quite disturbing now. If they’ve not been in your lives for a few years then she should have been a distant memory. Yet you brought them back in and now are bitching about it.

It's really fucked up and sad that your misogyny has influenced your child, who knows to call women 'ugly' to make you feel better.

Yes you're right, he can move into a one bed and start messaging her anytime now. Why is he still here asking whether I am planning to prep sandwiches for lunch. He can make his own effing sandwich, and I am not even going to say that in words.

But why do this rather than leave him? What do you get out of it apart from more upset? If he has any sense he’ll pretend not to notice, as he’ll be wanting to avoid more drama.

Ifvyiu leave, you’ll get a sense of agency and control. You’ll ye able to start anew, and hopefully sort out your feelings.

But you definitely need to speak to a professional and perhaps close this thread, as I fear it’s feeding your emotions.

You’re his wife not his mum. You don’t need to organise his friendships if he’s sad about them. He is an adult and can do that himself if he’s that bothered.

But he is right though because actually she was the prettiest woman there. He meant it because he means inside. She said shut up to a 12 year old who was goofing around and he never ever stepped into her car again, this was before he even knew how I felt about her. She called to apologise back then and I accepted her apology and said she owes it to him if she does owe one, not me.

He meant she was ugly inside, because she was actually the thinnest, fittest, best skin best hair etc there, but I feel repulsed too, I get what he means.

I don't think I want H touching me ever again. I dont think I ever forgave 2017. I have not enjoyed sex since

Get a therapist.

But he is a man child. Had been unemployed for years when I met him and he lied about that for a while too. Pretended he was gainfully employed the first six months we dated

“I dont care what they think , I despise them coming over for free food and entertainment”

that you invited them for.

Op I’ve came back on my lunch and you’re still posting, becoming increasingly more unreasonable with every post. It’s been 15 hours now
You invited this woman to your house, it sounds like you wanted your DH to be performative in order to show this woman that you had “won the to prize” and to humiliate her.
It didn’t go this way and I think you need your have a think about your intentions.
But first get some sleep and stop drinking

Alright, have a sit down with your husband about how to move forward with separation and divorce, calmly and respectfully.

People who are being pestered about it - they lie- let it go

Absolutely daft to have invited her. It was asking for trouble.

I feel sorry for the husband, who is probably oblivious to all this madness going on in the OP's head. And her kids.

If she knew that you suspected your husband liked her and she enjoyed that, as you say, then you inviting her to nothing for years other than your 20th wedding anniversary party looks like a transparent ‘see how our relationship has lasted’ ploy. It’s bizarre. After 4/5 years of not being in touch, you invite her to that?! She’s turned up out of intrigue, not because she’s a friend of yours. I hope you’re ok OP - I think you just wanted to feel reassured after such a long time and it’s clear that that didn’t happen.

No he does not deserve that , Leaves

And you thought he was a good person build life with?

You are obsessed, @MonicaGeller010203 . And extremely emotionally immature.

Put an end to your rumination. Stop spiralling. You need help.

Instead of going over all this shit again and again, find an experienced counsellor as a matter of urgency.

Crunchie, Italy , others who believe I am real and otherwise sane

The exact moment when she got up to leave (suddenly) was actually when we moved to the indoors sofas from outside the garden and had been sat for about 5 minutes there, when one of my newish friends whom I really like, her husband who was not invited to the walk by H was clicking pics on my Hs stupid camera of his wife, and then he moved backward all the way back of the room to refocus the frame, which I now realise was to get his wife and me both in the pic , didnt realise it then and angled away in case my hand or foot was caught in the frame instead of leaning in to get into the pic. When he said you can see me moving back to reframe but you are angling away (nice gesture wanting a pic of his wife with her friend, to give his wife, the guy is decent, no suspicions there), I said I dont want my hand or foot in the lovely pics of your lovely wife

Maybe this woman . the ex assistant , could not take it anymore, this visual of how normal behave which is they do not ask other people's H's to take pics of them in front of the party xmas tree and then pose. Ridiculous. No I am not letting this go. I know it was 8 years ago, xmas of 2017, But I am angry , yesterday was his chance to heal any residual pain and he blew it

But he didn't know that's what he was supposed to do, as you didn't tell him.

And just maybe you didn't tell him as deep down somewhere inside you, you realised it was crazy.

Thank you @CalmTheFuckDownMargaret