To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

Your husband has seen your tears and upset. He just doesn't want to engage with it so he's trying to get things back to normal.

Why would you stay with a man you think doesn't like you and is only with you for the money?

I can't think of anything worse! I like my neighbours but wouldn't want too close a friendship. Love my friends though.

@MonicaGeller010203 the things that stick out most to me are him wanting you to earn well and not helping set up or clear up? He sounds materialistic and lazy. Forgive me if I'm wrong? I just get an entitled arrogant feeling about him? Never mind how disrespectful he has been regarding neighbour and the club. They sound made for each other. Swap husbands 🤣

This 100 per cent.

OP you've gone from one extreme to another through this thread. Please have a day or two of reflection before you do anything hasty.

1. You feel embarrassed and the party didn't work out the way you thought it would. Everyone does daft things sometimes and then they move on from it, either apologise or resolve to do better in future. There's no point wallowing in shame, it doesn't help. Give that a day or two and don't let it cloud the real issues. In a weeks time, the party will be OLD NEWS. Its just an event, there will be others to talk about... and you feel embarrassed.. that will die down, there will be other new things to think about. Put the party itself behind you.
2. You've had some harsh comments about the cringeworthy ness of the singing duets etc... Don't let that muddy the waters. Whilst its not everyone's cup of tea.. For all we know, in your friendship group its quite commom for people to have a spot of Karaoke at a gathering, just as some would have silent disco or games night. Different strokes. But it is a bit odd to invite someone you were suspicious of and then make your unwilling DH sing love duets in front of her. She's not around any more. Your issues are between you and your DH> You cant force people to do things they don't want to do, particularly if its in public.
3. you invited a woman you describe as - mean, user, manipulative, unkind, gossipy, shallow, superficial, lazy and that you thought maybe had a moment with your DH nine years ago...It's not surprising that her presence ruined the party, because of all the feelings and reactions it stirred up. You'd effectively got shot of her previously. So now you know her presence in your life is not going to benefit any of you, you don't have to get involved with her again.
4. Your DH was embarrassed and chose to absent himself. Maybe this was a good thing. Because if he'd been there perhaps there would have been an even bigger scene. What he didn't do was hang out with this woman and chat her up in front of you. He went for a walk with your husband. so put that to one side.
5. I wouldn't speak to friends about this, particularly your new friendship group, friends, even nice ones, gossip. You need to speak confidentially to a counsellor and work through untangling all of these resurfacing feelings. Perhaps you have been gas lighted. Perhaps you over reacted. Speak to someone who can help you sort though this and then have a conversation with your DH there with the counsellor. I think you need to be calm, collected and have a mediator of some kind.

I hope you give yourself a chance to work through this.

Whoa. You’re sounding increasingly irrational. Have you given any thought to seeking help in the form of therapy?

Involving your son in this mess is really inadvisable. He may have apologised because he saw you were upset, but that doesn’t mean he was wrong. He knows far too much about this situation which is truly unfair to him. Whatever happens, please don’t put him in the middle or encourage him to take sides.

Op, I think it no longer matters if you’re right or wrong. What’s clear is that your husband makes you very unhappy. I see no good reason why you should stay in this marriage, especially as you’re economically independent and your child is an adult.

Just Stuck. Out of habit I suppose.

OP this will sound cruel but I swear I mean it kindly as others did before me. You sound utterly unhinged and you’re quite obviously spiralling. None of what you’re writing makes any sense. It’s all drama queen tantrums based on basically nothing. Had your H ever had an affair? No. Did you have any ‘proof’ he fancied the neighbour or the ‘cleaning lady’? No, just what YOU perceive as mentionitis. At any rate, your H may or may not have fancied someone a decade ago. You urgently need some professional help in the form of therapy or at the very least a cold shower, a cup of tea, leave your phone, take a breath. Honestly your posts are utterly unhinged. Please calm down. Either get a divorce over your H potentially fancying someone ten years ago or don’t, that’s your call, but please try and calm down.

Sounds more like your high drama take on it is that he's mesmerised, besotted etc. Same as your extreme takes on the party plan, on the past and all the way through this thread, while DH just went for a walk and is now onto groceries. There's a strong chance that your DH simply does not have 'this kind of a love' you're imagining and that your claim that you'd leave is about a real as your fleeting plans for an affair. It's all going on inside you but not for everyone else.

Also think if you do get some therapy, which would be a good idea, you need to look into your thoughts on women. From the nasty cleaning lady and cliche Bond girl comments to this messed up 'bless his heart' take on your son saying how ugly your ex-neighbour was. There's a ton of self-loathing swirling and re-directed at other women, which has come from somewhere and been passed onto your DC. It might make you feel better in the moment, but it's all part of the problem.

@cornflakecrunchie , @LoveItaly and other supporters

Even I can tell this is unhinged what I am about to say next, but I am liking it.

Going to act dead inside when talking to him from now for as long as it takes for him to notice I am a zombie , no enthusiastic participation in sex maybe even just sleeping in the guest room so he cannot initiate either. I am going to withdraw all my emotions and just be a shell with him, When /if he asks how he can fix this, I am going to say well for starters, sing a very mushy embarrassing song to me or something equally cringey and then send the video with mushy messages about how he loves me or something (to the group he is on with only her and her husband) and then leave the group he is on only with her and her husband, the one I left in 2018 and he stayed on.

or something else that shows he could not give a damn what they think if it means showing me he cares, I do not care how infantile it is

And if he thinks this is all ridiculous and silly, he knows where the door is, last time I checked I am the one who pays the mortgage. He can fuck off

Do your kids live at home?

FFS.

The younger one also leaves this year, could not have timed this better, this sanity breakdown, from keeping it together, dowdy wife who puts up with anything

You're right, that is unhinged. Stop with the singing. He doesn't seem to have done anything wrong, it's all in your head.

Kids have in other contexts said to me I should leave a few times, and that dad doesn't treat you as well as he should , again in totally different contexts like nice holidays or any holidays sometimes, making me pay all the bills then buying boy toys with his and stuff like that.

They wont take a side and nor should they do, they need both parents, but they won't be shocked at me leaving him. They will think I waited it out to do so. But I genuinely was in a better place with H till yesterday for a while now

You sound unhinged and childish

Sorry but now you're sounding pathetic and the fact you say you like it is telling.

If you are for real this is ridiculous, just have an honest conversation with your dh. You genuinely are coming across as a childish drama queen.

I agree with the above.

This is probably the reason your DH is acting as though nothing has happened because he doesn't want a massive argument in front of the DC. Maybe that is for the best at the moment.

Perhaps the best thing you could do at the moment is to go out for a walk or to a cafe and try to regain your calm so that you can think more clearly.

fine ok, he just has to tell her on the group with her H, that he has realised I felt disrespected all those years ago and he will no longer engage with her anymore (I don't care if they do not engage already, for their own reasons not out of respect for this marriage, because they did not disengage back then till she had no use for him anymore) and leave the group. For starters.

What is it with the singing? Now you want him to apologise by singing another song. Real life is not a musical!

please get some help outside of MN @MonicaGeller010203

He doesn't need to do that, they would think he was mad. You set up this whole thing, now step away from it and move on.

What about this ?

Just stop. You are humiliating yourself here not him. The world has moved on except you.

stop playing stupid games and just file for divorce

You're expecting him to do something akin to those footballers who loudly announce their retirement from international football, and everyone is thinking 'mate, you haven't been picked in 6 years, no one cares'.

I dont care what they think , I despise them coming over for free food and entertainment when they have no good intentions ever and that never seems to change, except every time I get gaslighted by H into thinking they are good ppl

I could not care any less than I already do if he hurts them leaving the group thats the whole point to show them FINALLY that his marriage matters more , a million times more. If not then there is the door