To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

Your updates are getting increasing concerning op.
I was going to suggest calling a friend but I think you should call your gp, you don’t need an affair just now you need help for your mental health spiral

I don’t know if you are, but you sound drunk in your posts tbh.

The party sounds bizarre. The couples games and karaoke sound truly mental. I’ve no idea why you invited them, or why your husband isn’t allowed to just eat when he’s ready.

Overall, you are coming across to me as jealous and controlling (and according to your kids, desperate for drama). Maybe you have good reasons for feeling that way, I don’t know, but this isn’t healthy. Get some sleep and some therapy.

You don’t need an affair, you need to leave. An affair won’t fix this. Are you scared if you ask for a divorce that he won’t give a shit and that will confirm that he never loved you the way you wanted him to love you all along? Don’t waste your life, empower yourself and move on with your life.

The OP doesn't want a divorce, she wants drama.

The party shenanigans, the silly invitation, the husband's reaction, the son's interpretation, the OP"s responses... all point to someone with a flair for dramatics. A divorce is too final.

Please don’t do this. If you do and your children find out, you will lose their respect and cause them such upset that your relationship will probably never fully recover.

I would suggest looking for a counsellor as soon as possible, you need help sorting out your thoughts and emotions.

I think that he wasn’t actually upset with you at all. I think it’s more likely that she either showed very little interest in him or that she didn’t titillate him like she used to (she’s aged I expect, not as exciting when you’re invited by the wife, she’s maybe had a word with herself about her loyal husband etc) and he had to find something to blame his disappointment on. If you have a wide circle of friends and are more self assured than ever and your children are older so you are more yourself he’s probably realised that he spent years viewing someone through rose tinted specs when actually you weee the prize all along. Don’t beat yourself up about the serving the food, you can’t take him a plate of food whilst he’s taking to someone he used to fancy, that’s degrading. Just move in from it all now. He seems immature and weird, you would most likely be better off if he left but I know life is complicated.

The OP sounds like a very jealous unhinged woman in this thread and is not being helped to calm down by the usual MNers who think it’s only ever the man’s fault. The way she has described the neighbour and the cleaner in such derogatory terms throughout this whole saga is awful.
Sounds to me like the OP kicked off due to jealousy when husband decided to start coaching a sport his children participated in and asked the neighbour to help. He was bound to regularly mention the person helping him, whoever that may have been and he probably dissuaded the OP from attending as she doesn’t exactly sound rational and would’ve picked apart every interaction and caused a scene every time she came.
Makes sense for him to have cut contact with the cleaner, he was helping, if he didn’t approve morally of her and his married friend sleeping together. Isn’t that what is always being advocated on MN in these circumstances?
He’s now failed a testing, he didn’t know he was taking, which the OP decided to set him up to fail.
Stop fuelling the fire because this OP sounds like a very loose cannon at the moment.

You want to have an affair? That is never a solution to problems in a relationship. Seriously, you’re just ramping up the drama. Whether your marriage continues or not, I think you should seek therapy to help you overcome your self-destructive behaviour and insecurity.

I hate drama queens of all ages. They spoil it all for everyone else with their sill crazy antics.

How on earth could you have thought you would stand and sing ‘your’ song when this is the state of your marriage, and has been for years?

That would have been gaslighting you talk of.

Just get a divorce. Neither of you are happy, doesn’t sound like you ever really have been.

I want to have an affair, which makes this constant humiliation of being his wife go away

Uh, no it doesn't. You don't start an affair on FB or pick one up for some silly revenge kick or existential angst reason. Who thinks like this?? Sober up and make some mature decisions, with professional help if needs be. You aren't in a soap and none of this is the big drama you masochistically seem to want it to be. For your kids' sake - and your own - dial back the drama and talk to a wiser friend or relative who can ground you and cut through this madness, if it's real.

This. OP, you are coming off as unhinged, controlling, possibly still drunk, spiteful, bitter. It's still not clear what your DH has actually done. You sound like a lot of this is in your head. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but setting up last night as your grand reveal of your amazing marriage to this woman you are obsessed with is NUTS. Surely you can see that? That's what your children have seen. Nobody humiliated you, you humiliated yourself. Your DH got the arse because he thought you were being controlling and buggered off for a walk with one of the other dads. Not the best thing to do when you've got guests, granted, but not worth the frothing at the mouth and threats of an affair you are currently doing. If you want to leave, leave, but please go to the doctor or a counsellor for some MH support so you can regain some equilibrium before you make any decisions.

You created drama out of nothing. Your DH is probably reconsidering your marriage too, not because of this woman, but because of your bonkers behaviour in inviting her and getting all worked up because he wouldn't sing with you. Even your DC can see it.

My Son who is home for the summer has just come in, caught me looking like I have been weeping all night and apologised for 'being a bit harsh last night'.

I assured him he had nothing to apologise for and in fact he had been very right and that no one I had spoken to felt it was a good move to call old neighbours totally out of touch now if she was not really a friend. He stopped carpooling with her after she told him to shut up and yesterday he asked why do you always say dad has a secret crush on her but wont admit to it, when she was the ugliest woman here yesterday. Bless his heart, she was not.

Feeling better. Have spoken to DS about his summer work internship etc , my life is feeling sunnier already. But I am nurturing the divorce idea , I think would quite like to, as long as it does not affect my relationship with both my DSs or upset them.

And thanks to the posters who care, actually even the angry ones sort of care too....

Lets face it there is no way I am going to have an affair even if I felt something for anyone around right now. Thats the kinda cool Bond girl thing the women he likes do. This is me , I was over the moon last week I got a tiny vaccum cleaner to clean the bits the big one can't do. I kid you not.

I agree.

H really thinks nothing happened at all yesterday and is talking about restocking groceries, etc

He did not even notice the tear stained face luckily and now I have it under control. He is mesmerised when she is around. Utterly besotted. Utterly utterly besotted, gag , vomit

I do not get this kind of a love - I would leave if I liked someone that much,

You don’t need to understand. Just move on and don’t bother with any more parties to test things out. Your husband is old enough to make his own friends.

This is batshit. Your husband may have had a crush 9 years ago, honestly I doubt it judging by how bad you’ve spiralled over this newest thing.

You shouldn’t have invited her. You love the drama and now you are losing your shit over nothing. Do you have a personality disorder or bipolar disorder…anything that could explain the insane rant you had last night.

Your husband hasn’t done anything wrong. This woman has done nothing wrong. It is all in your head. And your behaviour has been terrible throughout this post. You need professional help ASAP before your husband leaves you.

I wish I liked someone that much, he should go for it.

They would be happy in her tiny house, where she gossips on the phone all day when she isn't at the teaching asst job he helped her get 4 or 5 years ago, and torturing little kids asking them to shut up. She has given her DH a desk under the stairs as his study while she takes the one big room for all her stuff

My God how I would wish to see my husband have to live like that. He is a spoilt pampered brat.

This is what happens when you rely on neighbours for friendship instead of making friends along the way in your actual life!

So now there are two women you think your husband has been getting close to.

Just leave him. You sound like you have a good career and are not financially dependent on him. You’re not happy. And it doesn’t sound like he is either.

Go and live your best life without all of this stress.

OP please just stop and go and see a therapist to address these feelings and how to stop externalising them onto others. That will set you up much better to ensure your divorce doesn’t impact the kids or lead to a rift in your relationship with them.

its heartbreaking that your son has seen this all play out over the years and feels he needs to make you feel better by saying she’s ugly etc.

I really feel for you @MonicaGeller010203 your husband sounds undelightful at best. He is definitely not bringing out your best side, you deserve to be in a relationship where you are the most important person in their life.

i feel you need to get some help for your feelings, but lose this dead weight. You have a grown up son and from the sounds of it a good career. Do you need him?

you need to be the best version of yourself, and you can’t be with him

@MonicaGeller010203 seriously. Close down Mumsnet and go and search for a therapist online. Book an appointment, then go and sleep. When you wake up, go outside. Move your body in the fresh air.