To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

I think we should stop adding fuel to this lady's fire. She would seem to be mentally unstable and needs to calm down and try to be rational. My last post on this matter.

It's not bothering OP. She's playing right up to it, which is why it's not feeling real. It's gone from Beckham's to Jackie Collins vibes now. Maxing the melodrama.

It is all helping at the moment crunchie, the ones who do not believe this post is real are showing me they would not have stood for him for a single day, first date red flag out with you, and I have for two decades and counting

I will calm down hopefully later today, I cannot sustain this horrible mood too long but things are going to be different from now on. Very much so.

He tried to get the cleaning lady a much better job too, visa help, etc. He only stopped helping her, when she slept with one of his married friends.

Yeah, he has a lot of time on his hands as usually I do all the adulting like paying bills. His job pays well only now well into 40s.

You’re intelligent and you have money, there’s nothing stopping you from having the life you want and deserve.

If you feel like you’ve wasted too much time on this marriage then don’t waste anymore, it won’t get any better no matter how much you want it to.

The cleaner, the neighbour, who’s next?

Did you get any sleep at all? You still sound as though you’re working yourself into a state of fury and self-righteous indignation over a drama that is largely of your own making.

With each post, you sound worse TBH. You have cast yourself as the heroine in this drama, the naive and trusting victim. You think of yourself as empathetic, loyal, kind, spiritual, etc., whereas she is lazy, manipulative, superficial and whatever else you accuse her of. But human beings aren’t one-dimensional characters from mediocre TV shows.

Your comments about a “cleaning lady” are awful. You’re not superior to anyone because you earn more money. Honestly, this comment coupled with the entire drama seems to indicate a deep sense of insecurity and a desire to believe other people are inferior to make yourself feel better. I think looking into therapy would serve you well. It would certainly be more productive than ranting on MN and destroying your marriage based on what you’ve written here.

With what you've shared about how the party went down, it really reads like your husband's reaction wasn't about this woman specifically. He didn't leave with her/sing an embarrassingly mushy love song to her. It was a party for your anniversary but surrounded by a group of people he isn't friends with and the presence of people from the group he was friends with, probably put him in a reflective and sour mood. His perception that you brought them (her) there to gloat and then tried to control his contact (by pulling him away from conversation with her to get his food) pushed him into a sulk. He left with her husband, not her. The rest of what happened didn't actually happen, not then anyway; you're reliving your perception of how things were 9 years ago. That time obviously holds a lot of hurt for you, so of course it's going to feel like an emotional blow up, but if you take a step back and look at what actually happened yesterday the level of vitriol you've leveled at him (albeit just on here) seems completely overblown.
I say that as someone who could see myself doing the same thing in your situation; inviting the woman who got under my skin to show her (and myself) that my husband and I were rock solid, to close that door that my mind probably wouldn't realise always had a little crack left open with 'what if's'. But I think if you highlighted the parts of your posts which relate to your husband's behaviour yesterday you'd be hard pressed to find evidence of wrongdoing relating to her. If your thread was about him sulking and ruining the party you'd planned and agreed on together then sure!

I think we would all prefer if it were not real, Monica. The idea of someone behaving like you is quite frightening.

However I don't think you could make it up.

You do need help, so does your husband. Presumably you are both at work today, you'll have other things to occupy your mind - unless you decide to regale colleagues with your antics. I do hope not.

If your ears are burning, it will be your guests talking about you and having a laugh (hopefully).

Those of us who are finding this whole thread unbelievable are not necessarily finding the actions of your husband untenable, but your responses and actions and behaviour as being really unbalanced and immature. I sincerely hope this is a wind-up thread. And if it isn't, I would hope that someone (perhaps your DC) will stage an intervention and get you some help very soon.

I’m not sure what country you are in, but during the night you only took a 4 hour break from this thread. I really think you’d find it helpful to step away for a bit, get some proper sleep and then reassess things later.

Your posts at the moment suggest that you are spiralling and I really don’t think this is helping you get clarity or helping you sort your thoughts.

Wow! A married man jealous that the cleaner he fancied slept with someone else and not him (or did they?), then pulled the plug on helping her because of it.

I’m struggling to see why you stayed with him at that point. But, love is blind as they say. You’ve been more than he deserved OP.

I am in the UK, asked my boss if I could do wednesday instead of today so not working, and yes will step away for a bit....

NO he said he was just being a friend and I was crazy

He said he stepped away from her when she slept with his friend as she was married at the time

Yeah.

This
is
my
life

👶 🦌

Do you have any Propranolol.
Seriously.
Or go to bed.

You and your husband need to split. For your sakes and the kids.
This will never be solved.

I was just thinking that, so many people can’t wait to stick the boot in. No compassion for someone who sounds very distressed. So much for female solidarity, you don’t need to agree but try to be kind or say nothing.
I wonder if their lives are similarly miserable, that they feel the need to be so unkind?

Keep telling yourself that, maybe someone will believe it. Everyone else can see you invited her to watch you and your husband doing some godawful 'couples song' in your fancy new house to prove a point to her.

You are obsessed with this woman and you can't see it. Trying to get her a job so she'd have less time to spend with your husband on their hobby? Bunny boiler territory.

Even your kids can see your drama-llama behaviour - shame on you for involving them in that, doesn't matter if they are young adults now, they weren't 9 years ago I'll bet.

Even just going by your version of events - you are well out of order.

Ah yes because real men are measured by being the higher earner? Go back to the 1950s.

Also you're still drunk.

OP you sound like you are having a breakdown

this isn’t a healthy situation to be in - you don’t want to be married to him so separate. It sounds like money isn’t an issue as you both earn well.

honestly I’ve seen marriages break down like this and your kids seeing you lose it like this is not healthy and will not make them love you and hate your dad

Op, have you slept at all.
I thought you’d come back in the morning and be looking at things more logically.
Please try and rest op, you are sounding like you are spiraling.
Id listen to your DS, they know you far better than us random strangers.
The fact they are saying you have cause this situation is telling.
Whether or not you decide to leave your husband is down to you but I really think you need to get help Op, this reaction is not normal.

OP I don’t think the majority of posters are saying that they are in disbelief because of your husbands behaviour. They are in disbelief as it sounds like you’re having a breakdown or MH issues of some sort. Maybe get some rest, try to focus on something else for a while, and contact a friend or therapist later.

Didnt get any sleep, or barely any - and now cleaning up after the party. Also worrying about work and moving today to wednesday.

Last night, approx 4 am I think I registered on FB dating looking for a 'friend' for possible deniability later if the DC found out, but actually to have an affair to sublimate this pain, it will be my first if I have it and I do want to have one I think

But did not feel any attraction for any of the profiles, so I came off it ugly crying.

Will get some sleep now

He acted like nothing had happened this morning, so I felt I was taking back a little control by not showing any emotion or saying anything. I do not think he deserves emotion or my tears.

Has he spent 9 years telling you so voluntarily, or have you spent 9 years bringing it up?

I want to have an affair, which makes this constant humiliation of being his wife go away

There I said it

And I wish to God I had done it in my 30s

But I have no one to have an affair with.

Officially crossed the line to full on insanity now. First Islands in the stream cringe and now this.

You are definitely in a negative spiral and seem intent on imploding your life. Get some sleep and see a doctor

Divorce him. Hand the humiliation baton to him.