To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

He should leave I think since he is clearly innocent and has put up with my cringey clinginess and suspicions for too long, poor mite

And can take his lies with him

If he wants to stay together, he has to fix it, he is clearly expecting more sweeping under the rug, and is prolly wondering why I am quiet this morn

I am done this time. I am so done

I would have sung a duet with him if it was him wanting that. He needs to be with a cool girl I see that

Redeem himself how? By singing karaoke? Is that how you measure his love for you?

This time it is not getting swept under the rug, the disrespect

Reading between the lines - he had a good friendship group and did an activity outside work which isn’t unhealthy. You became extremely jealous and he had to leave his friendship group and hobby. From what you have said here it sounds like you have been making a big drama out of it from the start and your friend at the time was stirring the pot. You seem very invested in other people’s opinions.

It doesn’t sound like your husband can do anything right in this situation as you are determined to believe he gaslit you.

you want to divorce him so own it - don’t try and blame him. If you play that game you will alienate your kids

Youre right, that was way too easy

I have not decided yet now

You are having a tantrum OP - because things didn’t go your way.

The more I read, the more I think, yes, your marriage is done. You clearly really dislike your DH. But how awful for your kids to know their parents split up because their dad might or might not have fancied another woman almost a decade ago.

My god you sound like you’re on some kind of mind altering drugs. Or an alcoholic on a bender. Just stop - this is completely out of control. You invited drama in and now you’ve decided to make it a long running series.
You are not Monica. This is not friends. This is the life of at least 3 people - you, DH and DC. Stop fucking around.

I got to the "mnsphere" and knew for certain.

After this, you invite her to your home?

He did not leave the hobby he still does the club and all of that, it has evolved is all

She continued going with him for a good two years after and only left when she wanted paid work and an actual job which he helped her get wrote a rece etc

OP I’m sorry as you sound distressed but this is all frighteningly irrational and self destructive. At the moment you sound unhinged.

For the love of God, take a step back, have a break and get some counselling.

Apparently

:(

Am I the only one thinking that if it’s so obvious he had a crush on this woman, her husband would have noticed and had it out with the OPs husband?

Instead, they’ve gone out for a walk together, away from the batshit test, because it certainly wasn’t a party.

I’ve been on MN for about 8 years and this takes the biscuit for one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read / that someone has done.

You played with fire and got burned. Even your own child can see that.

Apologise to your husband, without reservation, and grow up a bit

What should I do? How should I feel?

If this scenario is actually true, then you should get some counselling asap. And stop drinking. And probably get off MN for a while.

I'm sorry, @MonicaGeller010203
You seem to be getting a really hard time here.
I don't think you're irrational, it sounds more like intuition to me. The photos, the banning you, surely if a husband thinks his wife is struggling with something, he'd back away from this woman?
It sounded to me like he was still trying to impress her by failing to do the coupley stuff yesterday.. Hugs.

Thank you ....feel broken

You really do sound unhinged - planning to sing cringe duets and play musical chairs is bad enough, then inviting a woman you are convinced your husband fancies? What on earth were you thinking? Listen to your DC, they sound more sane than you do.

Get some therapy - maybe your marriage is going to end but you can’t end it based on a tantrum

your son has told you you are being a drama queen. Don’t let him down by being even more of one. Be mature

I don’t think he behaved very kindly or nicely BUT I do think that you come across in your OP and your replies as being desperate to sort of ‘prove’ something to this other woman because she made you feel inadequate in the past, like you want to one up her - look at our bigger new house, new friends, me and my husband are doing great and still in love - and it has unfortunately backfired. All these emotions are totally understandable and it is understandable that you feel this way - but, kindly, you are hurting yourself by trying to prove anything to this woman and involve yourself and your husband in her social circle again. Cut ties, leave them cut, enjoy the life you have now and work on things with your husband.

@MonicaGeller010203
I'm not surprised you feel broken.
I think what other posters aren't getting, is that all these years, he's made you feel bad. Loving husbands don't do that, even if there was nothing going on - & in fairness, it did sound dodgy af.

I don’t think anyone wanted to do the “coupley stuff” except OP. I would have been crying with embarrassment if expected to participate in this. Most people with healthy self esteem and a normal relationship would run a mile to avoid shit like this.

It is because he knows he is a better husband than anyone else she could have got, and leaving him would be laughable on her part. She is the laziest person I know was at home till 40 while he does a lot of cooking and hands on with their sons, she is a princess who gossips and looks in the mirror all day.

My H needed an equal partner who paid more than half the bills preferably, does most of the heavy lifting around the house and with the DC - I literally lifted all the lawn furniture out yesterday, after cleaning cooking sorting out disposable cutlery I worked for hours to get the event right

My H is not 10pc the doting husband her H is, so it would be laughable of her H to be insecure, and I wish I had taken that same stance back then. I thought that is what I was doing I think by including them. - But this is what H wants, more drama