To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

No he never would admit to a crush. Then or now.

Also, I would not necessarily have taken the word of a friend that this woman was revelling in causing upset in your marriage, especially since said friend insisted you ghost her completely. Why was that? So you and the woman wouldn’t have a conversation and find out the friend was lying? It smacks of someone trying to stoke the drama and gossip.

She sounds awful. No need to feel ashamed. I can understand how you wanted this to mark the closing of this chapter and it came from a place of hurt. But you can’t control how she or your DH behaves. She is no longer in your life in any real sense so I think the thing to do perhaps is to talk with your DH really frankly to try resolve things. Maybe he’s not capable of that and will not engage which will give you further information for how you decide to move forward. Sending you hugs x

So you think he’s gaslighted you for nine years because he’s refused to admit to a schoolboy-type crush? I can see why you’d blow up your marriage nine years later for finding out they’d had an affair, but him just fancying another woman? Madness. No wonder your DS was despairing yesterday.

I think your DS is spot on, you invited this couple from your old neighbourhood for the drama, to show off your home, new friends and you also wanted to be cringey and show this woman that you haven’t seen for years what a happy relationship you have.

You are being so over-dramatic now talking about gas-lighting, wasting years of your life, wanting a divorce and so on. Such nonsense. If this woman was so awful and gloated to one of your friends years ago about her friendship with your DH, why did you invite her to your party. You seem to be acting out some drama in your head,

Maybe your DH was a bit miffed at the party because he suddenly realised you’d set the stage for the drama - created a fuss when you saw him talking to this woman - dramatically calling him for food - he’s an adult, he can look after himself, no doubt you hissed at him for talking to this woman. No wonder he went off for a walk.

The affair I would have forgiven, not the gaslighting that he felt no attraction

At a party at a mutual friends 8 years ago - she asked H to take pics of her at the end of the party as she wanted some pics of herself she said - don't normal people take selfies or ask their husbands or Girlfriends to snap a pic? Against the christmas tree she said and struck poses with pouts

I told him it was over that night I remember, and he said I was crazy and laughed in disbelief, later I found all the pics on his fancy camera from that night were her or group pics, he had forgotten to any of me and the DC

Ah fuck this, I dont want this marriage anymore. Never forgave him perhaps for then and this was his chance to redeem himself. He blew it

MonicaGeller010203 ·
just angrier
This time he wont have it easy

MonicaGeller010203 ·
He is going to wish he had not done this before I am finished
I feel gaslighted and crazymade by him for 9 years
..............

You are one vicious woman, Monica.
He's told you - for years - that there was nothing between them. You have no evidence that there was.

Then invited the poor woman and her husband over to the most cringeworthy gathering imaginable, so bad your husband had to get out for a while (with said woman's husband, he would hardly have done that if he'd been having an affair with the man's wife), just to show her how good your life was. Did she ever think otherwise?

One of your children gave it to you straight. I cannot begin to imagine how the entire debacle embarrassed both your kids.

Now you are angry and plotting more 'revenge'.

Have you ever seen the Mike Leigh play, 'Abigail's Party'?

I doubt any of your 'friends' will want to return to yours again.

If your husband decides to call it a day, who could blame him. People forgive a lot in life but being publicly embarrassed stings forever.

I am glad not to be one of your neighbours/'friends'.

Now it is another day and you are (hopefully) sober, be prepared for your generally easy-going husband seriously considering his options.

This thread is worthy of the Daily HateMail.

I think your DH hasn't done anything wrong and the person who has made you look foolish is You.

What a load of drama over absolutely nothing!!!

I can't get past the fact that YOU decided to open up this distressing can of worms and invite her to your home after years without contact. Why? Did you think to stealth boast to her about your wonderful new lifestyle and popularity now? It is the only thing I can think of. YABU

Yeah…….. this one’s on you then.

Play silly games win silly prizes.

Why would I come on here to make this post, if I had hissed at him for talking to her during the party

I did not even notice. It was not all about him all the time. All the doors were slamming shut and open all over downstairs and I had a million things on the go with hosting

You need to have some counselling but individually and as a couple IMO

Given what you believe to be true about this woman, the fact that you would invite her to be a participant in some hideous competitive “my man loves me more” ritual suggests a vengeful and vindictive attitude on your part.

If this woman genuinely did this (and I am far from convinced), you cut her out of your lives completely. You don’t put on some grotesque pantomime of sexual loyalty to “prove” something to her.

It suggests you have serious problems in your marriage and with communication.

You really need counselling OP. I have no idea if your husband was carrying on with this woman or if it was in your head. Either way, you have guaranteed that the toxic drama will continue instead of behaving like a grown up and tried to move on.

If your DH knows about her gloating to your friend about making you feel jealous and insecure, he should want nothing to do with her. He should be supporting you not pining over a friendship that hurt you (deliberately so by the sounds of it).

Well, that was a foolish thing. Why would you invite her? Who were you testing - your husband or yourself?

I think you should get some therapy tbh because this has become a really unhealthy obsession of yours

you want to blow up your marriage and family and I’m going to guess you’ll be telling your kids how it’s their dads fault but we can already see your DC won’t believe that

such a load of unnecessary drama.

So, he had a fancy camera that he was using to take group photos at a gathering…….. one guest asked him to take some pictures of her with it, he obliged, and you’ve got cob on?

Honestly, combined with the drama of your own making at the recent event, you sound really hard work.

I think he made it clear seeing her at the club every friday was worth me walking out and he made that clear by actions to everyone in the old group

I got so ill I ended up admitted in hospital for a few days with high blood pressure. He still went to a inter clubs event with her the next day

Sorry you are so upset. I don't think it helps to focus on blaming either him or yourself. The two of you haven't been communicating well and haven't managed to move on from what happened 8 years ago. That's obvious from the fact that he still brings it up and you planned a social event where the crush woman would see you singing affectionately together and you could prove you have moved on.
And you sound very angry and scared.
You might want to consider some couples counselling to help you understand each other better.

The fact that this has blighted half your marriage pretty much shows that you need help. Have you really tortured him like this for nine years?

I thought I was showing that i finally believed him and had overreacted years ago

I thought that is what I was doing .....

Honestly, is that it? He took some photos? You have let this woman live rent-free in your head for way too long and that’s what’s ruined your marriage, not your DH’s behaviour that he has steadfastly maintained wasn’t a crush. You have been waiting nine years for a gotcha! moment to catch them out and you thought you’d get it last night but you didn’t. There is zero trust left in your marriage and it’s now affecting your kids. That’s on you.

I also think it speaks volumes that her DH went for a walk with yours. Her DH clearly doesn’t think there’s an issue with his friend and his wife.

He was the one who always brought it up ' you ruined a good group over nothing'

Because it sounds like you did!

OP, an overwhelming majority
of people are telling you that the issue here is you and your behaviour. Yet you don’t seem to be hearing that. You are still going on about him “gaslighting” you, giving fairly weak evidence to back this up and responding positively to the few people who agree with you.

Maybe your husband does fancy her, maybe he doesn’t, but quite frankly your behaviour at this party was ridiculous. Your own child has told you that. You need to listen and sort yourself out. Your jealousy has swallowed you whole. You need to use this as an opportunity to work out your life, stop solely blaming other people and work out what you’re going to do going forward.