To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

He did back away - until yesterday they hadn’t seen this couple for years.

OP, in the kindest way, you need therapy not a divorce because you’re not thinking rationally at all but acting like an annoying character from any of those shitty 90’s American TV series; Friends, Roseanne, Sex and the City, The Wonder Years, and my personal pet hate - Will & Grace. The characters in that one were particular vile to other people.

Real life doesn’t need to include silly manufactured drama to be fun and memorable.

@Thepeopleversuswork
Tbh, I'd rather stick pins in my eyeballs too, but it wasn't my party / get together & people are different.
I just don't see that OP has done anything wrong, & if things WERE so innocent all those years ago, why did OP's husband carry on with the hobby / banning her, when it could have been sorted out so easily by him?

You mean she was a SAHM with her kids until 40. Like lots of women do. And then she returned to work.

You are starting to sound like the bitchy one.

Op. If anyone is gaslighting here, it's you. You're the one who invited this woman to your party as a "ner nerrr look how happy we are" and thumbing your nose. And then you waited for trouble. It seems to me you WANTED trouble.

After all those years why did you do that?

I had a woman in my life many lifetimes ago - my then-partner was besotted. She kept him at arm's length BUT with just enough encouragement to keep him totally hooked and yes they ended up in an affair which hurt a lot of people - not that either of them cared.

But it never sounded like your husband was that interested in this woman. Did he flirt? Possibly! Why are you leaving him and threatening "he'll regret the day he did this!" If a man spoke about a woman that way, I can only imagine the uproar.

@Passingthrough123
Yes, but it doesn't sound as though OP's husband has ever let OP forget.

Middle class madness at it's finest, dark obsessions, alcohol.....

or.... someone sounding out a 70's style, Play for the Day drama perhaps.

OP said earlier on that he’s struggled to make friends within their new community and misses his old friends, which based on yesterday’s walk includes this woman’s DH, and it sounds like it’s brought up in relation to him feeling isolated. OP is choosing to take every mention as proof he is pining over this woman.

Honestly, what a waste of nine years for them both. There’s zero trust left, so they should call it a day.

It doesn’t sound like it was a very big party either - the whole thing is just odd.

you don’t seem to like your husband very much so I wonder if a lot of this was a test and you are determined he failed - but your son has made you realise he’s not going to be blamed for the breakdown of the marriage because your son saw through you

get a divorce but be mature about it and stop bringing this other woman into it

I don’t know what went on/didn’t go on between OP’s husband and this woman. None of us can know.

But its obvious that if suspected cheating or paranoia about cheating breaks up a friendship group, staging a kind of macabre reenactment nearly a decade later involving the same people and requiring the two people suspected of cheating being subjected to a ritual humiliation involving singing “couple’s songs” is going to go badly wrong.

Its basic social etiquette and the OP seems to have gone out of her way to engineer a situation where she emerged “victorious”, validated by her husband’s love.

Its both narcissistic and self destructive at the same time, not to mention toe-curlingly embarrassing.

Its literally the worst way to play the cards you have been dealt.

Do you think op that what is really upsetting you is you have been an equal dp financially and done more than 50% of everything else and yet the person your dh has a crush on is perceived by you to be having an easier life, her dh does more than your dh.
And you know that your dh would be upset if you were a sahm, made him pull his weight more. Expects you to be happy with your lot whilst dancing round the ndn.
Is this what's going on?

Why on earth are you even discussing relationship issues with your child?

He is your son. Not your ‘staunchest supporter’. He shouldn’t have to have any conversation with you about what you and his dad are arguing about.

No, people need to take responsiblity for their own feelings and actions. Her husband didn't make her invite some old neighbour neither of them have seen for four years- just so she could rub her nose in it about how popular cool and loved the OP is.
O[- I think you really need to to get a professional judgment on this, because you sound more obsessed with this woman that your husband allegedly is.

This does resonate as I remember both my bf and my Dsis asking so you would be less hurt if she was a hardworking, less gossipy, empathetic, kind, deep, funny lovely person?

And I said yes

It’s you who wants to the drama.
Even your son recognised that.

look, I’m not trying to out the boot in. But you clearly don’t trust your husband anymore, so on that basis alone I’d say the marriage is done.

I think you need to make a decision to leave.. you’re hanging on to an event that took place a decade ago.. and you engineered events at the party to show this woman that you had ‘won’. It was a silly thing to do and it’s blown up in your face.

So what now @MonicaGeller010203? Have you got a close friend you can talk this through with, who knows you in real life? Maybe they can help you work through whether this is an overreaction on your part.. or your instincts are correct.

Either way, you sound unhappy and wish you well in finding your way back to happiness. Life is far too short to spend it feeling this way.

OP - why were you ever friends with her if you think she is vain, lazy, spiteful, a gossip, nasty about you, breaks up marriages (has she, really?)…
And as far your husband goes - he did something good by helping her and starting up an activity that involved coaching - something he carries on even though she isn’t involved any more. So it’s not remotely evident that him spending time with her as an assistant meant he fancied her.
what IS concerned is the way you said you told him YOU had a crush and you “let” him delete an old flame from your contact lists.
Are you projecting perhaps? Are you irritated that he actually doesn’t fancy her when you wish he did and would leave for her?
He went for a walk yesterday with several men - not her. That I assume wouldn’t have stopped the singing or “musical chairs” (Christ, unless I was ROARING drunk I wouldn’t be involved in that) when. He returned unless you were essentially operating a child’s party for adults, expecting timed activities.
And, though this might sound harsh, you seem to want applause for doing things to host a party you wanted - who else would do it?
And apart from the allegedly “gloating” phone call to your now former friend (while this woman has not ghosted you or harmed you in any way) what has she done? She could have ignored your invite.. and she probably should have, for her sake.

I was hoping after reading this thread last night that you would have calmed down after a night's sleep but you seemed to be even more worked up.

Look, no-one here knows how your husband feels about this woman. Its possible he has a crush on her or thinks shes very attractive. This happens to most people within a long marriage, what matters is whether you act on the crushes or not and it doesnt sound at all like your husband has. It also sounds like he is very close to her husband so what he is saying about you breaking up the group for nothing is true if the situation is that he finds this woman very attractive but would never do anything about it. I dont see this as gaslighting at all.

You were the one inviting her back into your home, possibly dredging up those feelings again and planning all sorts of performative nonsense to try and put her in her place. Your own children have called you out on it and if it was obvious to them it will have been obvious to everyone else. Seriously, the song singing thing was such an awful, cringe worthy thing to plan. Id have thought my DH had lost his mind if he suggested that and would definitely have gone for a walk to avoid it. Note that he went for a walk to catch up with the husband, not the wife that you think he has designs on.

I think you need to have a good chat with your husband and explain how it all made you feel. I think you need to acknowledge that this situation was mostly of your own doing. It seems very extreme to be thinking of leaving a 20 year marriage unless there is a lot more going on.

Thank you @cornflakecrunchie , your support this morning has helped.

The thing is I can see where the others are coming from...but they are assuming ,my intentions were to stir the pot because they cant believe someone would be this naive. I took him at his word when he said I had imagined it all.

She has since left her kids with me back then when working on her house etc. I do not think I spoilt their friendship, I do not think any of them took me seriously enough in any way to let me spoil anything.

If he did not like the itinerary I had prepared, he could have suggested something else. He took off with one dad, and left the other dads feeling at a loose end. The right thing to do at the very least if avoiding me and leaving me to it with the other women, would have been to include the other dads and throw some hoops or something. like the teens had the maturity to do and be inclusive even the one teen girl who had come they included in their sporting match.

H can be such a sulking bitch

He asked you stay away from the club when you were feeling insecure about his relationship with your friend? He’s a dickhead. He should have been inviting you in to show you it’s a purely a platonic working relationship. He shut you out with your thoughts which have festered since.

He’s blaming you for losing his old group but realistically it was him in the driving seat. You’ve felt awful about it and thought inviting his old friends to the party would fix things (that you didn’t create), but he once again he brought it back to the initial problem, highlighting it and in front of everyone. He also made it clear to your ex-friend that you still think he likes her because childishly this was his way of letting her know he did and still does she fancy her.

Has he ever cheated on you with anyone that you know of?

Sounds like he is over her but frustrated you invited her.

That's why he walked away
That's why your son knows what's up

You want a divorce to put something to bed that you can't get over

Your husband could have done with not seeing her again

I’m sorry but kids know an awful lot more than you might think. For example I knew at 10 that my dad was desperate to sleep with my mum but she used us as a human shield to avoid it, even making me sleep in her bedroom for a while. I knew she fancied the guy at work who came round to do ‘odd jobs’. I knew he was flattered even though he didn’t really fancy her that much back. I knew my dad was a beta male playing at being an alpha male and he put up with way too much and then erupted in a ridiculous way that resolved nothing.

I could go on but I think you get the drift. Certainly teenaged kids would have caught on. I’m not saying this to shame you but because you think you are being discreet and managing people but really they’re all seeing through you. Your husband knows you’re trying to prove happy families which is embarrassing because he definitely had a massive crush if not affair with your neighbour. At the very least he feels shown up if not wistful. She won’t see you as sophisticated and classy with all your new friends, she’ll see you as playing and failing at oneupmanship. Your kids are also seeing the subtext and as kids are both terribly self conscious but also deep down want their parents to have things together they will find this really destabilising.

Rather than trying to pretend this hasn’t happened or prove something to everyone else try to recognise that you have been deeply wounded and hurt. Allow yourself to feel sad. Accept your relationship is not what you dreamed of and mourn that. When you’ve taken time to do that (over weeks or months rather than days) rather than have pointless recriminations with your husband - he won’t be honest and he won’t be feeling what you want him to feel- then and only then - you can decide what you want to do next.

Thank you this is exactly how I feel

He got too close with a female colleague of sorts (She was a cleaning lady in his office!!, does that count as a colleague or what in 2007/08 ish, We had not been married long at all.

Same thing really except she moved back to her home country I think
Mentionitis, late evenings at work, Coffee chat.

I know people are going to hammer me for this. But we are both in middle/upper management - the cleaning lady? And yet again I do recall my Dsis asking so if she had been a rocket scientist or human rights lawyer it makes the disrespect less?

@MonicaGeller010203 you can’t stop someone’s feelings for another person but you need to decide whether you can live alongside those feelings.

Many people in marriages may have crushes on others, I know I do, Tom Hardy and Cillian Murphy for instance, but even if it was in real life I would never, ever want my DH to know of my passing crush as it would crush him and that’s not what you do to someone you love.

Your DH didn’t hide his feelings for her 9 years ago. That is on him, not you. Sorry @MonicaGeller010203 that you’ve had to go through this, it must be heartbreaking to have your DH desire someone else too. 3 in a marriage is 1 too many.

Look at Charles, Diana and Camilla. Poor Diana.

Wow you're making yourself look a twat.now op. How dare he fancy such a pleb as a cleaning lady.

And the answer is No ofcourse it wouldn’t. Disrespect is disrespect. He’s not a faithful H.