To confront “friend” about her behaviour?

[swimmingpools]

I have a so called friend who I work with, who I am now realising is not really my friend.

She has been having some relationship issues, in which she’s been very upset. I’ve been consoling her about all of it and giving her my honest advice, whilst saying that if she doesn’t follow my advice I understand and i’ll still be there for her.

I’ve now found out from a mutual friend that she said I’m awful and horrible and she doesn’t want to tell me anything anymore as I’m giving her horrible advice! Now I’m a grown up, if she’d said this to my face then I’d have understood and accepted it. But to say it behind my back is like we’re 12. She also doesn’t like my advice because I’m not telling her what she wants to hear (I think good friends should sometimes tell you hard things!).

Additionally, we work together. She has come from a very privileged background, which is great for her. She hasn’t had to pay for university etc as her parents paid for it all for her. I know anyone would do this for their kids if they could. However, it’s given her a major superiority complex and meant that she thinks she’s so much better than me. I had to take out student loans for my degree and am now very grateful to be on a funded apprenticeship through my workplace.

I work hard for where I am and I am proud of what I have achieved. I come from a poor family, I am the first to go to university, and I am lucky enough to own my own home all through hard work. I got a full time job for 3 years after leaving school and saved it all to be able to afford my home.

Anyway, she is always making passive aggressive comments about how “she’ll be in a senior position much sooner than me” as her parents paid for her to do her exams so I’m behind. I don’t see it as being behind, I see it as my journey is a different path, but I still think her comments are rude.

If I ever ask a colleague a question at work, she jumps in and answers and laughs that I didn’t know the answer already.

The latest thing is that she told a friend that I have “poor work ethic” and am lazy, due to the fact that I start at my start time and finish at my finish time. She often starts half an hour early and leaves an hour late. I feel this says more about her being unable to manage her workload appropriately, than it does me. For what it’s worth, if I had a big project on, I can (and do) stay to finish. I just don’t need to do that every day!

Also, my line manager is very happy with my work, and I get good feedback regularly. I feel it’s up to them to criticise my work ethic if there is an issue.

She also loves to brag that she “knows things” that I don’t know, for example when new staff are starting. She likes to make it clear she’s chatting more to colleagues and how I’m not involved and aren’t in their group chat etc. again, just feels like such childish behaviour!

Without wanting to be rude, I feel that because I live with my husband who is kind and caring and we love each other, I think she’s jealous of me. She has this paper “perfect” life, but is not happy, and I think she’s jealous that my life was much more difficult and yet I am happy.

Im getting really sick of her snide comments, and I’m not even more annoyed that she’s been slagging me off behind my back for really no reason.

aibu to confront her about this? Or should I just distance and try to avoid her and fizzle out the friendship?

I feel like by not saying anything I’m allowing her to think it’s acceptable to act that way.

You need to distance yourself from this person, who is certainly not a friend. Be polite and professional, don't give her anything else.

Op, kindly.
What I see is the basic psychology of projecting.
Literally everything you've accused her of is stuff you are doing on here. Example "she won't take my very good advice". Well, cmon, you batted back EVERY well meant and sensible suggestion in your posts.

Wondering if this is just your modus operandi with all people. Wondering if maybe you're just unhappy about yourself.

Back to the basic psychology of projecting--surely if you try to focus on what is nice about others, then you will begin to see what's nice about yourself?

You don't sound particularly happy, and I'm sorry about that.

Neither do you actually.

Hi OP.

You've had good advice here about the need for distance from both the friend and the person who told you what she's allegedly said about you. Lots of us have learned the hard way to make the distinction between friends and colleagues- and your plan to take ownership of your own professional reputation by speaking directly to your line manager directly is smart.

On the question of whether you've painted "a black picture": if you're open to the feedback, I think what people are reacting to is that you've made some rather extreme assumptions about what she thinks. That she's "so much better" than you, and her life is "perfect" etc. Presumably she hasn't actually said either of those things? She'd be a full-on sociopath if she did so it seems unlikely- which means presenting them here as fact does feel unfair.

Of course it's natural to want to vent, but if you do an AIBU thread, it's better to give as objective an account as you can so that people feel you are genuinely open to their advice.

Anyway, I hope you're able to put it behind you and arrive at a more manageable approach to work relationships- you've accomplished a lot to get where you are and deserve to enjoy it.

😅😅😅

Also, when mutual friend starts telling you stuff - politely and plainly shut it down. Just ‘if x is unhappy please advise her to speak to me directly’.

Just tell her you're not happy she's been discussing you behind your back , this isn't what you imagined as a friendship so you'll step back. You're better off without her , she sounds spineless, a decent friend would tell you not talk behind your back.

Going forward I would just keep things professional with this woman, be polite but work focused.

op, you do Sound young in your posts and I recognize this dynamic. Dont confront, it will just escalate issues. Fade things out, don't engage with gossip and just get on with things. But if she keeps interrupting, I would laugh and say something like you didn't realise she'd changed her name. In 10 years, where you both started from won't really matter.

I remember being asked by a friend whether she should go out with a guy we both knew. I really liked him, but he had a history of being flaky and having a string of very short term relationships. I told her what I thought - she went out with him anyway. It lasted for about three weeks and she was never really spoke to me again. Learned my lesson and never gave relationship advice again.

So why did she come to you for advice and why did you give advice , knowing what you already did about her?

You don't have to be be besties with people you work with, you know. FGS don't confront her - it won't be a good look for you. Just do your job and ignore her passive aggressive jabs.

Move on. Be your own person at work. Don’t rely on others.

Yeah you clearly don't like each other very much.

Just distance yourself from her and focus on your work and your real friends. Don't let her take up space in your head. You offered advice, she didn't really want advice. Other people told you she said things about you giving bad advice. That's life.

Just don't give her advice or socialise with her anymore. And don't trust the people who seem to like spreading gossip about who said what about whom.

I would say well you ignored me at.... So assumed I wasn't welcome. Likewise if she asks for advice again I'd say, I don't think you are a fan of the advice given so far so I'm not sure why you ask me?

Call her out a little if she asks.

Otherwise distance yourself as like you've said, she's not a true friend, so it's no loss to you.

She’s a frenemy. And you sound way too invested. Withdraw from these people and keep doing your job. If they try to draw you in again be busy/non committal and let them find someone else to feed their drama.

I'd say that giving blunt and honest (as you see it) advice to a work colleague is a VERY bad idea

She doesn't like you and you don't seem to like her either. She's not a friend imo

I'd avoid any personal conversations and I would ensure ZERO contact out of work

There's a reason you put friend in inverted commas. You don't like her. She doesn't like you. Just leave each other alone.

Step back. She's not a friend, if she's belittling you to your face, making snide comments and telling tales behind your back. She sounds a deeply unhappy person, who is perhaps jealous of what you have achieved, without the financial backing of your parents.

You're colleagues, nothing more. Be professional and polite but step back from anything else.

In the kindest way, for someone who sounds quite vulnerable, this is definitely not the place to look for support and guidance. You will get some good , but also the odd person looking to attack. If you are generally concerned about relationships maybe ask your doctor for a reference for a bit of counselling -never a bad thing.

You get great feed back for your work.
You have a happy home life.
Forget about what this friend is saying.

You are too invested in her opinion.

Learn to politely do your own thing.
If you don't go to certain functions with 'friend' just say that you no longer enjoy bars or dancing, or that band etc etc. No need to be personal, just do your own thing with confidence.

Everyone else can see what this person is like.
No need to act like two seven year olds.
She can't help being herself..