To confront “friend” about her behaviour?

[swimmingpools]

I have a so called friend who I work with, who I am now realising is not really my friend.

She has been having some relationship issues, in which she’s been very upset. I’ve been consoling her about all of it and giving her my honest advice, whilst saying that if she doesn’t follow my advice I understand and i’ll still be there for her.

I’ve now found out from a mutual friend that she said I’m awful and horrible and she doesn’t want to tell me anything anymore as I’m giving her horrible advice! Now I’m a grown up, if she’d said this to my face then I’d have understood and accepted it. But to say it behind my back is like we’re 12. She also doesn’t like my advice because I’m not telling her what she wants to hear (I think good friends should sometimes tell you hard things!).

Additionally, we work together. She has come from a very privileged background, which is great for her. She hasn’t had to pay for university etc as her parents paid for it all for her. I know anyone would do this for their kids if they could. However, it’s given her a major superiority complex and meant that she thinks she’s so much better than me. I had to take out student loans for my degree and am now very grateful to be on a funded apprenticeship through my workplace.

I work hard for where I am and I am proud of what I have achieved. I come from a poor family, I am the first to go to university, and I am lucky enough to own my own home all through hard work. I got a full time job for 3 years after leaving school and saved it all to be able to afford my home.

Anyway, she is always making passive aggressive comments about how “she’ll be in a senior position much sooner than me” as her parents paid for her to do her exams so I’m behind. I don’t see it as being behind, I see it as my journey is a different path, but I still think her comments are rude.

If I ever ask a colleague a question at work, she jumps in and answers and laughs that I didn’t know the answer already.

The latest thing is that she told a friend that I have “poor work ethic” and am lazy, due to the fact that I start at my start time and finish at my finish time. She often starts half an hour early and leaves an hour late. I feel this says more about her being unable to manage her workload appropriately, than it does me. For what it’s worth, if I had a big project on, I can (and do) stay to finish. I just don’t need to do that every day!

Also, my line manager is very happy with my work, and I get good feedback regularly. I feel it’s up to them to criticise my work ethic if there is an issue.

She also loves to brag that she “knows things” that I don’t know, for example when new staff are starting. She likes to make it clear she’s chatting more to colleagues and how I’m not involved and aren’t in their group chat etc. again, just feels like such childish behaviour!

Without wanting to be rude, I feel that because I live with my husband who is kind and caring and we love each other, I think she’s jealous of me. She has this paper “perfect” life, but is not happy, and I think she’s jealous that my life was much more difficult and yet I am happy.

Im getting really sick of her snide comments, and I’m not even more annoyed that she’s been slagging me off behind my back for really no reason.

aibu to confront her about this? Or should I just distance and try to avoid her and fizzle out the friendship?

I feel like by not saying anything I’m allowing her to think it’s acceptable to act that way.

I have asked her not to make the comments that she does about work and other colleagues that she is friends with yes. I haven’t mentioned the comments I heard from mutual friends as this is what I was asking for advice on.

I feel like asking an anonymous forum for advice is slightly different to discussing it with mutual friends? None of you know her or me unlike with other friends.

she is nice to chat to and we do have some common interests. When we first started hanging out outside of work that’s what we chatted about, which was nice. It’s only more recently the comments have started which I have been finding unkind and jnecessary

Sounds like neither of you like each other and you just shouldn’t be friends. And that’s fine - not everyone can be friends. Just have a professional, respectful relationship with her at work, and step away from everything else.

I appreciate some of the comments saying that I should draw back and keep it professional.

to some others I would say that I am a real person here with real feelings and I am genuinely trying my best to navigate life and friendships. I think some people are commenting snap judgements of me based on my op, which admittedly was perhaps poorly worded due to me feeling upset.

im genuinely saddened that people think I have a superiority complex and that I am acting in this immature and cruel way, that has truly never been my intention

It's a good idea to enjoy your work 'friends' but understand absolutely that most of them are not your friends at all. They are colleagues. There is a difference.

Yes I think this is absolutely right and a lesson I have learned. I think I naively just think my colleagues my age would be good friends, when actually I need to accept that they are just nice colleagues

But it's irrelevant what she thinks of you -- you prioritise your own feelings. If you don't enjoy her company and don't feel good around her, you don't see her. And, respectfully, it's a reason why people don't jump in blindly to becoming friends outside of work with colleagues, because the consequences when it all goes south can be, as you've found, deeply unpleasant.

Not that people don't make good friends at work, obviously (some of my best friends are from former jobs), but they wait and see how their acquaintanceship develops before making the leap.

You didn't, and now you seem to feel compelled to be 'friends' with someone you don't like but see daily, and it's turned into petty carping about work ethics, who knows what, and being in the know which doesn't reflect well on either of you.

Stay professional at work, don't get involved in petty oneupmanship, and only make friends with people you genuinely like. You ask what you should have done differently? I think I'd look at my people-pleasing tendencies, if you were actually listening to her complain about her relationship issues for hours at a time, and bustling around getting her a treat on your lunchbreak, especially when you didn't actually like this woman. No one respects a people-pleaser. And tell mutual friends not to pass on comments. It's not helpful or enjoyable. Make friends outside of work.

I don't understand why people are saying you aren't pleasant. You've described a colleague who hasn't been very nice to you. I think you should call her out on her behaviour to be honest - as you're right - she'll think it's totally fine and that it's ok to treat people that way. I'd tell her you are really disappointed that after asking for your advice and you trying to help, she feels the need to slag you off to others, and you feel sad that she decided not to discuss it with you, or stop asking advice. But then I'm not afraid of confrontation. So many people would prefer to just ghost people and I disagree with that. But I'd do what you feel you need to! X

She just likes to talk anout herself. She doesn’t really want advice. Just stop listening or offering comments. Just say “hmm…that sounds hard..I really have no opinion.”

Just have stock responses

“why didn’t you come to x y z”
”I was busy”

“i need advice about x y z”
”I don't really have any”
”I need to crack on with this project as I finish at X o clock”

“you are very quiet today”
”I’ve got lots to get done by x o clock - I’m sure you understand”

If she makes disparaging remarks about you to new colleagues just say nothing and be polite to those colleges in other ways.

Whatever you do don’t allow her headspace or allow her to rile you up. These types of people like a rose because then it gives them the ability to say “look - o told you what they’re like”.

You clearly don’t particularly like her either so it’s not like you really want or should have a friendship!

She doesn’t like you. That’s where you stand. Any ‘signals’ saying otherwise are just messing with you. Be a grown up - you know she’s not your friend so stop allowing her access to your well being. Grey rock. Move on. You’ll be far happier for it.

@swimmingpools your other friend is shit stirring.

School playground rule #1 - never believe what anyone else allegedly said about you unless you heard it from the person's own mouth...

So ignoring what this other friend said, and assuming those things weren't actually said, how does that change things? (because you seem to be basing your opinion of someone on what someone else has said...)

I'd just continue being pleasant to her but if she isn't your sort of person, then keep it as a professional amicable working relationship.

OP please ignore the mean people on here I don’t know how they read this so differently to me. She sounds like a jealous bully and I would say you could confront her (in a professionally way) and say you feel like there’s an atmosphere and what can you do to fix it OR you just distance yourself from now and if this mutual friend tries to tell you anything just say you’re not interested in what this ‘friend’ has to say.

you sound like you’re doing amazing and she’s the toxic apple who will drain your energy if you allow her to.

i really hope it works out for you!x

@swimmingpools your work “friend” sounds very unpleasant and entitled. I would quietly withdraw from her without fuss and just make bland convo from now on and just say you are busy if she tries to make arrangements. You need to stay professional.
I would be wary of the mutual “friend” too, she’s a shit stirrer. You don’t actually know that the friend has run you down at all.
As far as the work times are concerned, it’s absolutely fine to work your contract hours as you say you are flexible when needed. I was in this situation once with a colleague who was regularly in 30m before start and 1-1.5 hours after finish and I heard other colleagues praising her dedication but actually I knew she really struggled with using the computer and was constantly losing reports she had typed and spent lots of time trying to locate work, so I know how tricky that can be. I don’t think it’s good to work well beyond contract on a regular basis as it probably indicates the need to increase staff levels and that just won’t happen when everyone is covering the shortfall with extra hours that are neither paid or taken back!

I agree with @TheThirteenthFairy it would help to set a firm boundary here. I think this person is jealous of you @swimmingpools . You are right not to get dragged into gossip. She really is trying to unsettle you with this ‘I’m better’ stuff. You don’t have to socialise with your work mates at all if you don’t want to; I appreciate you may want to and it can be a good thing, but as you have found, some people can just be ‘trouble’. Try and distance yourself while remaining professional and, as soon as you can move (even just a desk move I mean) maybe consider that. You are right you don’t have to start early/finish late unless there is a business need and if she is simply not managing her workload and doing less, then she is the one who is having problems. Make sure you check in with your Manager; you could, without naming and shaming, say ‘somebody said I should be staying because x but I don’t see a need unless y’ and see what their feedback is for example.

You don't like her and she doesn't like you. That not a friendship by any standards. Keep your distance, be polite and keep any conversation neutral and professional

Can I make a suggestion as a person who grew up on a council estate and was the only person in my family to go to uni (or even get all my GCSE-level qualifications)? Interacting with friends from school in a very working class area is totally different to navigating friendships with middle class people like the people it sounds like you work with. You basically need to learn a whole new set of social rules. You’re at the right age to pull it off and it will be very confusing but observe other interactions if you can, and see how people talk to/about each other. It’s different.

Sometimes people just don't actually want advice. They want an ear to bend.
As she's previous of not taking any advice on board, I'd have stopped a long time ago.

I agree, talking about you behind your back isn't great and I don't think she's a great friend regardless. Just keep your distance, pleasant and nothing personal as have to work with each other.

It doesn’t sound like you are close or particularly like each other. Stay out of this woman’s drama and stop giving her advice. I’d find that annoying too from some random at work I’m not all that close to. It could be she’s an idiot who needs some tough love, but that doesn’t sound like it should come from you. Just keep it professional from here on out and stay out of her personal business.

this often happens in workplace friendships, I am always wary these days. I suspect I'm much older than you so been round the block a few times. You can get on with someon at work, chat and have a laugh but eventually you see their true colours either positive or negative. Keep things civil but distance yourself, decline invitations etc and be on your guard with this one.

Thank you for this, I think you’re definitely right. My husband is from a much more privileged background than me but his family are all very kind and easy going, I think it may do me some good to watch how they interact a bit more to try and ‘learn’ the social niceties that I perhaps haven’t really been a part of!

im used to people having fist fights over issues or screaming matches in the street! I would never do those things but it makes situations like the one I’m in really difficult to navigate!

Why would you want to offer genuine help, advice and support to such an immature, childish, pathetic individual? She isn’t friend material, give her a wide berth, do your job and go home with a clear conscience.

Sometimes, when a person has been through a tough time and shared quite personal details (eg about a relationship), they can later regret having been so open. Even when someone says "What should I do?" telling them may not go down well. If things go badly it's because of your bad advice. When things go well they think they could have managed without you.

So I wouldn't challenge her but keep a friendly distance. You are relying on a mutual friend's word as to what was said, and meant. If she publicly berates your work ethic simply respond that your manager seems happy with how you're dealing with your work load. Your speed of progress in your career - you and your manager are happy. Care less about her life and be proud of what you are achieving in your own.

I have a review in a few weeks (just a planned one that everyone will be having!) and I am tempted to ask along the lines of “are you happy with my work and my productivity?” just to ensure that I am not going crazy about that!

My line manager is very direct and I think he would say outright if he thought I was slacking, and in fact he praises my work and how keen i am, but i do feel that I’d like the reassurance that I’m not somehow misunderstanding that (without getting into the need to drag said friend into the mix by saying that she has said anything)

I just wanted to add about the shit-stirring colleague, as I had one like that. She was notorious for reporting what one colleague had said about another (believing they had said it in confidence). I cottoned on to her fast, and replied "your conversations with her are none of my business." I am sure that didn't put an end to her gossiping but she stopped bringing it to me.

I've only read your messages, so forgive me if I'm repeating what others have said.

This is definitely the lesson to learn. Also that how others talk about people is how they also talk about you, so be careful with the one who is telling you all this.
I'm a very big proponent of clear communication in relationships... Except for work. It can get you labelled a bully.

Sit back, be observant and deflect any personal questions by asking questions back. Keep a trail of anything work-related, because these are the type of people who will sabotage your career.