To confront “friend” about her behaviour?

[swimmingpools]

I have a so called friend who I work with, who I am now realising is not really my friend.

She has been having some relationship issues, in which she’s been very upset. I’ve been consoling her about all of it and giving her my honest advice, whilst saying that if she doesn’t follow my advice I understand and i’ll still be there for her.

I’ve now found out from a mutual friend that she said I’m awful and horrible and she doesn’t want to tell me anything anymore as I’m giving her horrible advice! Now I’m a grown up, if she’d said this to my face then I’d have understood and accepted it. But to say it behind my back is like we’re 12. She also doesn’t like my advice because I’m not telling her what she wants to hear (I think good friends should sometimes tell you hard things!).

Additionally, we work together. She has come from a very privileged background, which is great for her. She hasn’t had to pay for university etc as her parents paid for it all for her. I know anyone would do this for their kids if they could. However, it’s given her a major superiority complex and meant that she thinks she’s so much better than me. I had to take out student loans for my degree and am now very grateful to be on a funded apprenticeship through my workplace.

I work hard for where I am and I am proud of what I have achieved. I come from a poor family, I am the first to go to university, and I am lucky enough to own my own home all through hard work. I got a full time job for 3 years after leaving school and saved it all to be able to afford my home.

Anyway, she is always making passive aggressive comments about how “she’ll be in a senior position much sooner than me” as her parents paid for her to do her exams so I’m behind. I don’t see it as being behind, I see it as my journey is a different path, but I still think her comments are rude.

If I ever ask a colleague a question at work, she jumps in and answers and laughs that I didn’t know the answer already.

The latest thing is that she told a friend that I have “poor work ethic” and am lazy, due to the fact that I start at my start time and finish at my finish time. She often starts half an hour early and leaves an hour late. I feel this says more about her being unable to manage her workload appropriately, than it does me. For what it’s worth, if I had a big project on, I can (and do) stay to finish. I just don’t need to do that every day!

Also, my line manager is very happy with my work, and I get good feedback regularly. I feel it’s up to them to criticise my work ethic if there is an issue.

She also loves to brag that she “knows things” that I don’t know, for example when new staff are starting. She likes to make it clear she’s chatting more to colleagues and how I’m not involved and aren’t in their group chat etc. again, just feels like such childish behaviour!

Without wanting to be rude, I feel that because I live with my husband who is kind and caring and we love each other, I think she’s jealous of me. She has this paper “perfect” life, but is not happy, and I think she’s jealous that my life was much more difficult and yet I am happy.

Im getting really sick of her snide comments, and I’m not even more annoyed that she’s been slagging me off behind my back for really no reason.

aibu to confront her about this? Or should I just distance and try to avoid her and fizzle out the friendship?

I feel like by not saying anything I’m allowing her to think it’s acceptable to act that way.

Don't "confront" her. That will not go well, and she'll see whatever you say as ammunition, and evidence of unprofessionalism.
Just be civil, but cool. Don't give her advice at all. Don't be available at lunchtime - go for a walk, or on an errand. Practise raising an eyebrow if she says anything untoward, but don't respond otherwise. You should be aiming for professional and calm. That is all.

You don't sound unpleasant at all! Just understandably pissed off by her comments and back-stabbing and you're allowed to vent on here. She must probably is jealous of all you've achieved. I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell her what you've heard, next time she asks for advice!

OP, you seem quite insecure and desperate for friends, and therefore you're letting her set the agenda.

Stop asking what she wants, and start figuring out what you want. Try to stop needing her approval. You will feel happier and more in control if you stop making everything about her and what she thinks.

I don't think it's a good idea to 'confront' people at work, generally. Most people who behave badly know what they're doing and its either deliberate or they don't know how to do better. If you confront them they will turn it into your problem (touchy, can't take a joke, etc). They aren't going to say 'ooh yes youve got me bang to rights' and magically change.

Quietly step away. You will find proper friends in time, but you can't force it.

You aren't freinds. I would distance myself and just be friendly at work, with hellos and goodbyes. No more listening to her relationship woes and don't share anything personal with her.

Look, it doesn't matter. You have to work with this person. Give short none committal answers to questions. Keep.ot completely professional and don't engage with her personal life.

Detach. The she said/she's jealous etc thing just isn't important. You obviously don't like each other.

Why did you ever consider her a friend? Sounds like you are opposites and openly dislike each other. I don't get the confronting a friend... And why would you be trying to give her advice she obviously wouldn't appreciate it or follow it. Just get on with your job.

Everyone is the hero in their own story. You depict your "friendship" as a long-standing competition of who is the most hard done by. This is not synonymous with adult friendship and is incredibly destructive in a workplace context. You both sound equally insufferable; there is certainly an undertone to your perceived moral superiority for succeeding in your career despite the odds being stacked against you. Your post is almost entirely an ode to how your virtuousness and hard graft has got you far in life. You evidently can't stand one another, so why not cut your losses and phase out the friendship.

I would just quietly drop this friend
The other person telling you this is Triangulating aka stirring up drama

The friend isnt a friend is she?
She talks about you behind your back and ignores you, then " hoovers" when you are not in touch
She sounds toxic
Rather than berate yourself as not good enough , please ask yourself why you keep going back?
Its a form of self betrayal

Yeah, this is good advice. Your colleague seems very insecure but rather immature and nasty with it. Absolutely do not let her make you her punching bag. Be vigilant for your redefinition of your relationship making her spiteful out of frustration and trying to bully you or paint you in a bad light with other colleagues etc. I hope I am wrong about her doing this but, if she does, nip it in the bud promptly by taking it up with your line manager and even HR if necessary.

I wouldn't confront her right now but next time she asks for advice id say sorry, id rather not. I've been told that you think i give horrible advice and im awful so I think its best you dont come to me again.

As for her boasting, be happy for her. People like her hate that. It'll drive her nuts.
Thats great! I do hope so. That would be lovely. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you...

Negative things she says about you, agree with her. She won't know how to handle that at all.

Yes, you're probably right. Yeah, that's true enough ah well, I'll get there in the end im sure...

It doesn’t sound like you like her and it doesn’t sound like she likes you. Stop the fake friendship, don’t confront her but stop telling her anything personal and treat her like any other colleague.
The mutual friend sounds like a bit of a shit stirrer so I’d do the same there.

Stop making friends at work for one thing. It's never truly a friendship and then when you fall out they use anything and everything they can think of to paint you as lazy and inept. Happened to me years ago, and I learned my lesson aged 26 to never mix business with pleasure. Sure there are plenty of colleagues I like and get on with, but I never share personal info anymore, and it works so well.

You do sound judgemental about her working hours. It doesn't mean she "can't manage her workload" at all because she does extra hours. So do I, and I can manage perfectly well.

You also describe yourself as a "young adult" and yet have already managed to buy a house all on your own. This is likely rubbing people up the wrong way, rightly or wrongly.

I would just stop oversharing and advising. Don't keep entirely to yourself but you have to learn that there is a line at work which you have to try not to cross. Also stop pushing your "rags to riches" story as it is going to annoy some people.

Someone who makes those kinds of comments isn't a friend, so I wouldn't treat her as such. She sounds more like a cutthroat colleague who wants to make herself look better, so she's putting you down in an attempt to shine brighter by comparison.

I wouldn't confront her, especially as it's in a work setting. Just turn slightly cool and professional. Try to create a polite and casual distance between the two of you. You can gently contradict her if she says things that aren't true or tries to spin your work performance in a negative light—if you can do it without losing your temper and letting things turn personal—but unless something she's saying can actually harm your reputation at work with the people who matter, the better path is probably to cultivate the impression that her words and opinions are immaterial to you. Bland, noncommittal responses and gradually phasing her out as 'friend' and into 'colleague' only.

This is the best advice. Disengage while still being polite at work. It will serve you best in the long run.

havent rtft...so probably all covered....
DO NOT CONFRONT HER...! It's a trap /mistake

Ultimately you want quiet detachment with "medium chill" (warm and friendly enough but saying nothing of substance or particularly specific that she can get on to you about)

On her personal dramzzzz
"That's sounds hard"
"Everyone's different"
"Do what's right for you"
"What would I do? Gosh I dont know its a tricky one...."
"Im sure it will all work out"

On the socialising
"Yeah its a shame but I had other plans!"
"I know bummer i couldn't come! Next time though!"

On the work stuff:
When she makes shitty comment say nothing and steer your own ship
At most I go for a pregnant pause and "okayyyy.... so anyway..."
I do think i might document them - my hr let you "note things" so its on record without it going anywhere...

Separately a couple of recommendations professionally....
please look at

• 93% club
• toastmasters International
• any industry clubs (do not discuss with dickhead "friend")

I'd also look internally for someone who is state educated / had a similar background and see if they would be willing to mentor you.

Sounds like she's put herself in a competitive position with you but you're not competing.

She does sound like quite the bitch and yes, more than a bit insecure and jealous, IMO.

I'd start speaking up for yourself to her but only in front of people so she can't twist your words. I would also back off contact and, when she makes comments digging at you, say 'Oh really!' and laugh.

I wouldn't be supporting her or allowing her to have a moan to me any more either. Any further divulging would be met with a 'I'm sorry but I'm going to have to stop you there. I've heard you don't appreciate my advice so I'd rather you not put me in the position to give it'.

She sounds like she can be manipulative so I'd also start recording everything you are told that she is saying about you and every time she puts you down in front of colleagues.

Get off the back foot, OP.

I wouldn’t confront her about her behaviour. At the end of the day, she’s a colleague, you’ll have to continue working together (for now at least), and if confronting her blows up into a big falling out, then it’s going to make working together very awkward and it’s not likely to reflect well on you.
And most people who get called out on their bad behaviour don’t instantly apologise and promise to do better. It’s far more likely that she’ll argue back about how she didn’t mean it that way / you can’t take a joke or you’re over sensitive / you should be making allowances for her because xyz / you were at fault first because xyz and so on and so on.

Anyway. Rather than confronting her, I’d be taking a step back from this friendship. Keep things polite and professional, keep things as work focused as possible, don’t engage with her personal life. If she’s offloading about relationship problems etc, work on preparing some non-committal responses that you can come out with instead of offering advice.

I know that making friends as a young adult can be difficult, but when workplace friendships go wrong it can have a really negative impact on your working life as well, so it can often be better to take things slowly when it comes to making friends at work.

And I’d also be wary of what you say to this mutual friend. If she’s telling you what one person said behind your back, she’s likely to have no problems telling other people what you’ve been saying behind their back.

The best, quickest, and easiest way to deal with snidely comments is to call them out immediately in a loud but jokey way. A short, ‘HOW RUDE’ in faux outrage, or ‘You used your outside voice there, Marj’, or ‘Good grief, Marj, that was a mean thing to say. Who stomped on your tail?’

As far as the relationship advice goes, it’s easy enough to say, ‘Look, Marj, you and I both know this advice is doing you no good because I can’t in all good conscience tell you what you want to hear. You know you can’t change him so it’s put up or shut up. It’s up to you.’ Stop buying her cake and ‘being there for her’. She’s not respecting your time or your energy, and yes, it’s probably due to jealousy, but you can’t do anything about that.

You don’t like each other.

Just avoid her as much as you contain whist maintaining professionalism at work. Have nothing to do with her outside work and block on everything.

Absolutely this
People like her twist everything and it will bite you , dont react, she will be the victim and you to blame
Quietly understand that she isnt a friend
Keep cool, be professional

distance and try to avoid her and fizzle out the friendship- yes

What's confrontation going to achieve? Nothing but hassle

She’s not your friend. There is a competitive element here, even if you’ve not been taking part of it. And she may like you, and want to socialise with you, but given the chance, she’d step on your head to give herself a leg up over you. This is your workplace, the very last place you want drama, so don’t say a word to her about it, because she will play the victim and you will end up looking like a trouble maker. Social mobility is all well and good, but people have prejudices even if they would never admit to them in a million years. If she texts, you’re busy. If she asks you to go out, tell her you’ve just made plans five minutes earlier for that date, but maybe next time. If she asks for advice, you tell her that you don’t know and ask her what she thinks. If she says anything inappropriate at work, very subtly write it down, including date, time and who was there.

Can I make a suggestion as a person who grew up on a council estate and was the only person in my family to go to uni (or even get all my GCSE-level qualifications)? Interacting with friends from school in a very working class area is totally different to navigating friendships with middle class people like the people it sounds like you work with. You basically need to learn a whole new set of social rules. You’re at the right age to pull it off and it will be very confusing but observe other interactions if you can, and see how people talk to/about each other. It’s different.. I think @Darragon has given you some fantastic advice here. I didn’t go to uni but in my twenties, I began working with people who, to me, were properly posh. Some of them I did actually become friends with because they are genuinely nice people, we’ve moved on to different roles, they’ve left and we’ve stayed in touch over decades, and that’s been lovely. But there are an entirely different set of rules to follow. Lots of things are more superficial and there is far less honesty than I was used to. It’s perfectly possible for work friends to become actual friends, but let it happen slowly and organically. And remember that they are just a colleague you like until they become a real life friend.

It sounds like you are just colleagues and colleagues are generally not your friends as I have found out to my cost over the years. I agree with one of the other posts about not confronting her but just letting this “friendship” fizzle out.

OP, the two oldest and best friends in my life, I met through work. The other two I consider great friends are one I met at work and one I met at toddler group. My son and her daughter are now 34. But, I did also work with her for a couple of years.

Yes, as a young adult work is the place you can meet lifelong friends.

But I met many others that I would walk past in the street now!

I think people are being harsh but then it’s mumsnet where sometimes I can’t believe how awful some people are.

I don’t think this is a good friend for you, but you will meet many others who will be.

The fourth friend I mentioned above, I met at work in 2013 when I turned 50.

11years later she is one of the best people in my life.

If I was you, I’d distance myself from this colleague. You have plenty of years to find good friends.

Ignore the harsh comments on your thread. They don’t come from happy people x

So if you have always struggled with friendships, as you say, and genuinely want to know how to be better, here are my 2 bits:

• Listen to what people tell you about how you come across rather than arguing back or telling everyone how hurtful it is to hear, as you are doing in this thread.

• Let go of the need to micromanage and constantly ‘correct’ what other people think and say about you. Not everyone will like or understand you. That’s the human condition.

• Don’t give advice. If people genuinely want advice, they will seek a qualified expert. Most people just want supportive noises and active listening. If someone pushes you for advice, just say ‘I wish I knew what to tell you.’