DD in hospital, snapped at Mum

[tiredmumdc]

My DD was rushed to hospital earlier in the week, 8 months, viral infection that the entire house had that unfortunately for her caused bronchiolitis. She’s been on high flow oxygen and feeding tube, really scary time. Currently 30 weeks pregnant, juggling this with a toddler at home. Because of the illness of everyone, we’ve not slept well for two weeks, night four in hospital.

Every time I speak to my mum she keeps asking what viral infection it was, I snapped after the third time of her asking whilst phoning to update on her progress. I’ve said repeatedly they don’t care what viral infection it was and they’re not concerned about the type, they are only concerned with managing her symptoms and said I was away at hung up.

I called her 15 hours after DD was admitted as she was admitted at 2 am, and her response was “why am I only finding out now?!” I had 10 drs/nurses in the room with me at various points, my only concern was caring for my daughter in the moment, plus I knew it wouldn’t be an easy, supportive conversation with her.

Back to me snapping, she messaged me shortly after last night whilst I was still in hospital at my daughters bedside to “stop speaking to her like crap”. I reiterated that I’ve repeatedly told her that they don’t care what viral infection it was, only making her better. She responded with she has a right to know.

I had to pick up something from her house today and was greeted with her crying and “I’ve done everything for you and this is how you treat me”. She has zero consideration of the stress anyone else is under. It’s fine for her to snap at me and my brother 365 days of the year, never apologies, but if one of us are at the end of our tether we’re the worst children in the world. Zero consideration of the wider picture of what we could possibly be going through.

I’ve got so much going on just now, sleepless nights, worry and yet again she’s making her and her feelings the only thing that matters. Not once today has she messaged asking how DD is.

Am I the worst daughter in the world for snapping? Or would you understand if your child did if they were under immense stress? I know this will drag out to silent treatment for months and I honestly don’t need to deal with it right now.

I would withdraw from any kind of meaningful contact with the woman.
She's not supportive. She's not offered to help you in any way. It's all about her.
I don't often advocate daughters not being in touch with their mothers, but this relationship is toxic. Do you want your 3 very young children to grow up with such a poisonous grandmother?

YANBU

sounds like my mum...just one example, had a paddy because I said she shouldn't visit me and my first born three week old (from abroad) when I came down with Covid. Didn't ask how me or my baby were once just made it all about her.

Suggest googling grey rock and doing that if you don't want to go completely NC. It's quite depressing especially around mother's day or special occasions when people gush over how special/helpful/amazing their mums are...but it is what it is I guess

Im ashamed for what I’ve said but the tears was the breaking point for me today.

Then tonight being sleep deprived, and alone at home with my thoughts and my conscious kicking in I’m lying wondering if I’ve been a massive cow for snapping at her

OP I know you posted these quotes late last night when you were under huge stress, but please don't feel shame and no you're not a cow. Those feelings come from your upbringing, years of training that mother always has to come first, has to be placated whatever the cost.

She can say whatever she likes to you (I guess if you challenged her more generally she'd respond with 'I'm your mother, I can talk to you how I like') but won't take any sort of criticism from you. Tough. Only she is responsible for how she feels. You don't owe her happiness. She's clearly alienated everyone else in the family and no doubt in her mind that's everyone else's fault, never for a millisecond stops to think she's the common denominator.

I hope you do take time to reflect on her behaviour, over this and in the past. And start to let go. Unlearning old habits is hard but you need to find the belief that it's OK to do so. Don't let her make you feel guilty or question yourself ever again.

Oh dear op hope your little one is improving. This is just what my mum was like. It was all about her, her needs and perceived slights, so very easily offended.

My dd2 had bronchiolitis and when I told dm she was ill, she responded 'and don't we all know it". She refused to look after dd2 when I went for my 6 week post natal check up for an hour, even though we had arranged this. She turned me away at her door.

I just thought it was a combination of selfishness and meanness but I can see now it was more sadly. She was incapable of considering anything other than her own needs.

Bizarrely when my girls got older,.she occasionally looked after them and they have fond memories. They seemed to accept her eccentricities more readily than the rest of us.

It really is unforgiveable of her to add to your stresses by making things about her. She should be offering love and support.

She sounds like my mother.

I remember when ds was taken back into hospital when he was a few days old as he wasn't feeding and we had a heatwave. Mum had asked me to call her at her friends to let her know if they were keeping him in, and gave me the phone number on a piece of paper. They admitted us and when I called it was the wrong number. God did she have a go at me the next day for not telling her we were back in. Not once did she say 'how is he?' Wouldn't accept that I couldn't tell her as the number was wrong. It was all my fault. I was trying to keep things from her and so on. But then that's the story of my life- I was always in the wrong.

Shes disgusting, a real narcissist. I couldnt imagine the world revolving around me to such an extent that I'd guilt trip my sleep deprived pregnant daughter who is ill and dealing with a severely ill baby who has been hospitalised. I'm angry on your behalf.

Tbh Id go permanently low contact.

She did offer to come up and visit on I think the second day. I asked if she could put my toddler to bed to allow me and DH a longer handover between us, and asked if she could stay the night in my spare room just incase I had to dash back to the hospital if she had a turn (I came home around 10.30 pm). I know she will use this as an example of doing everything to help me, which is why I typically never ask for her help because I know at some point it will be used as ammunition against me. Even my DH often asks why I don’t ask my mum for help with the kids etc., it’s typically him who asks if we’re ever in a pinch which isn’t often at all. He knows some extent to what she’s like, but I think if you grow up with normal parents you don’t really understand why you would have to put boundaries etc in place for your own mental state.

Thats not to say I’m not grateful, I am extremely as it gave me peace of mind to spend a night at home with my toddler knowing I was safe to go back to the hospital if needed and not be ‘stranded’ at home unable to go and be there if required.

DD will be discharged tomorrow all going well, currently asleep in my arms after polishing off a 3oz bottle.

So happy DD is improving and will hopefully be discharged tomorrow, that’s all that matters. My mother died two years ago, but she was very much as your mum sounds @tiredmumdc . I learned the hard way, and got so the less she knew the easier life was. She always made it all about her. I used to say that a problem shared is a problem halved, except with her, it was a problem doubled. The existing problem was still there, plus the added angst and drama of her making it about her. Focus on your own lovely little family, they’re all that matters.💐

I resonate with this so much! Even when my Dad died who I hadn’t spoken to for 15 years (they split up when I was born and didn’t get on at all, I cut contact to keep myself sane as he also had his own problems), she was taken aback that I didn’t lean on her more when I decided to be at his bedside for the weeks leading up to his passing. She still mentions this and it was around 4 years ago. When she did ask questions at the time, it was what did he look like, even saying “grieving someone who didn’t give a shit about you” during heated moments during that time, just things in general you don’t ask or say to someone who has just witnessed their Dad passing and dealing with complex grief. Even when I was younger and misbehaved the no wonder he takes nothing to do with you was an insult hurled quite often at me.

Then at times she can be the most helpful person, almost always wanting to buy mine and DBs love, now the DGC. When full of alcohol apologises for the way she was bringing us up etc., showing remorse, would do anything for us, but then when things don’t suit we’re the worst people in the world and almost punishes us for her being a single mum. I do understand she’s made loads of sacrifices for us over the years, she did have a hard upbringing and didn’t have good role models for emotional support, that’s what tugs at my heart strings when the dust settles and makes me always regain contact. In therapy I realised she’s emotionally stunted but it’s not my problem to fix.

Its such a complex relationship, and I do have massive resentment that has built up, which is why in circumstances like snapping the other night, my judgement is skewed if I am completely out of order, or if anyone else would see it as an emotional response to a horrible turbulent time that they are going through.

YA NOT BU

firstly hope they get better soon. Spent a lot of time in hospital with my very poorly babies when they were tiny and know it kills you to see them so unwell.

some people just don’t get it.

my mil if mine had a simple cold used to be fixated on where did they get it from.

let’s be frank - it could have been from the lady on the bus, the guy in Tesco, the man who sneezed in the street, the neighbours toddler - I didn’t know where they got it from and frankly didn’t care. All I cared about was helping my kid through it as often what started as a cold would end up with a 999 trip to hospital with yet another asthma attack and more time in itu watching my kid fight for their life.

but they were like a stuck record over and over asking where they got it from. I can’t tell you the murderous thoughts that used to go through my head.

you snapped because her question was pointless and stupid and you do not have the head space to deal with this .

don’t feel bad. She needs to find a way to be supportive rather than ask stupid irrelevant questions.

so sorry you’re dealing with all this - don’t waste time and energy thinking about your mum as she is not doing anything but raising your blood pressure .

just focus on your little one and getting through this illness.

This is a dreadful time for you, hormonal, a young family, a poorly little one, any one would snap, absolutely anyone in your situation. Can I suggest that your gut reaction to blame yourself is because you’ve been undermined by a domineering attention seeking mother all your life? So you’re programmed to always feel bad, if she feels you’ve let her down. If I’m right, then learn from my mistakes and save yourself decades of further heartache: you deserved a better mum, so did I as it goes. But we can’t change this, so you need to adapt. Know that you’re a far better mum than she was. Know that you have done nothing wrong. She needs to have a small walk on part in your life @tiredmumdc from this moment on, she’s hogged centre stage for too long. I wish you well x

If she does call you again and asks what it was - make a word up - a long one with very few vowels