DD in hospital, snapped at Mum

[tiredmumdc]

My DD was rushed to hospital earlier in the week, 8 months, viral infection that the entire house had that unfortunately for her caused bronchiolitis. She’s been on high flow oxygen and feeding tube, really scary time. Currently 30 weeks pregnant, juggling this with a toddler at home. Because of the illness of everyone, we’ve not slept well for two weeks, night four in hospital.

Every time I speak to my mum she keeps asking what viral infection it was, I snapped after the third time of her asking whilst phoning to update on her progress. I’ve said repeatedly they don’t care what viral infection it was and they’re not concerned about the type, they are only concerned with managing her symptoms and said I was away at hung up.

I called her 15 hours after DD was admitted as she was admitted at 2 am, and her response was “why am I only finding out now?!” I had 10 drs/nurses in the room with me at various points, my only concern was caring for my daughter in the moment, plus I knew it wouldn’t be an easy, supportive conversation with her.

Back to me snapping, she messaged me shortly after last night whilst I was still in hospital at my daughters bedside to “stop speaking to her like crap”. I reiterated that I’ve repeatedly told her that they don’t care what viral infection it was, only making her better. She responded with she has a right to know.

I had to pick up something from her house today and was greeted with her crying and “I’ve done everything for you and this is how you treat me”. She has zero consideration of the stress anyone else is under. It’s fine for her to snap at me and my brother 365 days of the year, never apologies, but if one of us are at the end of our tether we’re the worst children in the world. Zero consideration of the wider picture of what we could possibly be going through.

I’ve got so much going on just now, sleepless nights, worry and yet again she’s making her and her feelings the only thing that matters. Not once today has she messaged asking how DD is.

Am I the worst daughter in the world for snapping? Or would you understand if your child did if they were under immense stress? I know this will drag out to silent treatment for months and I honestly don’t need to deal with it right now.

Dates have been slightly changed as I’m pretty sure I have family on this and don’t need this getting sent to her. Unplanned, but a happy surprise welcomed nonetheless. But I was a tad further on getting pregnant pp than I have stated. Apologies for the false info, just don’t want to be too outing.

I can normally deal with her, and keep her at a distance because I do understand she isn’t how ‘normal’ parents are or behave. One argument or disagreement and she cuts me and DB out her life for months until we beg her to speak to us, even when it’s her at fault. We will apologise to make peace because she’s our mum and we’ve learned that’s the way she is, not once has she ever apologised for anything to us, even when it’s the most hurtful things flung at us etc.

I’m so sorry, this is going to sound awful, but she sounds a bit thick

Ot doesn’t really matter what the virus is, the treatment depends on what she actually needs

MIL is a bit like this - has to ask questions and get answers to things that are totally irrelevant, just so that she appears interested/intelligent enough to ask questions. Someone went into DH’s car and wrote it off - she was obsessed with finding out the colour of the car that hit him 🤷🏻‍♀️

And I completely understand why you’d do that. But what happens when your babies get old enough to disagree with her? Is it better to rip the plaster off now? Or just teach them to deal with her the same way you and your brother have learnt to?

I think it's good that you're snapping back rather than passively putting up with this shit. It's probably the only thing that has the slightest chance of getting through to her.

You need to grey rock this a bit, for your own sake more than anything.
If she asks questions like this again 'What type is it?' tell her
'they said it's Bronchiolitis'
'Yes mum it's a very stressful time' (don't add for you, she'll think you mean for her which is the desired effect)
'Thanks for the information'
'That sounds great for them'

Just grey rock her, you'll find yourself reacting less emotionally as well as you automatically switch your mind off to this behaviour.

Do you need her for when you have DC3? I'd be putting some distance between you and mum soon, you need your mental space for your family.

All the best for your 8 month old I'm sure she'll be home soon, it's hard going when they are in hospital, nobody sleeps, it's been a heatwave (unless your in Scotland or such place) and it's emotionally confusing, challenging and beyond exhausting.

I've known some older relatives seem to fixate on specific details at a time when you really just want support, but some people do seem to feel like knowing something allows them to control it. Cut yourself and her some slack-you're going through tough times.

It doesn't sound like you have the best relationship with her and that she's difficult to get along with generally. If you want peace of mind, you need to lessen contact with her considerably. If she messages you moaning about how you treat her, ignore it. If she gives you the silent treatment, let her. Drop the rope. Concentrate on your own family and don't give her so much of your headspace. I hope your little one is feeling better soon 💐

I’ve definitely taken a step back over the years and not overshared life info etc with her to keep my peace. I completely agree with you, DB usually begs me to try and keep the peace.

Shes non contact with her entire family, and can hold a grudge for years. Has no qualms at cutting us out our life etc. I’ll always have my DCs back though. She’s a different person to the DC to who me and my brother experienced growing up.

I feel stuck between she’s the only blood family I have left, desperately wanting that normal mother/daughter relationship, to wanting to set boundaries etc.

This instance though if my husband snapped at his Mum, I know she’d understand the pressure he was under, not turn it into her feelings and demand responses and apologises whilst he’s sitting at his DDs bedside in hospital.

Im home tonight with toddler fast asleep and DH is at hospital, im unable to sleep and mind has went into overdrive.

Definitely strained as a result of her behaviour over the years (I’m not usually the one who snaps etc.).

DD has managed to reduce oxygen levels over today and hopefully off NG tube tomorrow so I’m really happy and grateful for that. Thank you xx

Blood or not, she sounds like a nightmare

Just because you’re related it doesn’t give her carte blanch to treat you like shit. You wouldn’t put up with it from a friend, you don’t have to put up with it from a relative

Unless you are drip feeding that she’s fixated on finding out what viral infection it is because she’s a top level scientist with a lab in her garage where this weekend she is going to discover a treatment which will sort your daughter out in24 hrs the she has no ‘right to know’.
She sounds like an attention seeking pain in the arse frankly who brings no help or support to the party but just wants to be able to tell you what to do and tell the nurses at work/people she knows what an amazing grandmother & mother she is.
Need to know basis. You are going to have 3 kids under 3 by the sound of it -you won’t have the energy, time or headspace for her sharp tongue and me me me attitude. Just tell her what she needs to know and nothing more.
We all know women like your mum who twist your words & actions to use against you. Don’t fall into the trap and stop giving her ammunition.
Just look after yourself and your poorly little girl.
And tell your mum to shut up if she can’t behave properly.

She sounds exactly like my mum. I don't actually bother telling her anything any more. It makes life much easier.

The crying nonsense from her would get my goat. I hate the crocodile tears from anyone and have told them so. They soon stop.

Sounds like my MIL. My SIL says she never tells her anything as she know it will be used against her at a later date. She will also never apologise for anything. Known her about 15 years and never heard the word “sorry” pass her lips.

You are absolutely right! Apologies OP. I didn't read your OP right at all.

I feel stuck between she’s the only blood family I have left, desperately wanting that normal mother/daughter relationship, to wanting to set boundaries etc That’s completely understandable. Do have a look at the stately home thread if you get a chance. I’ve cut contact with a parent but for very different reasons, but there’ll be so many people on there who’ll have gone through the same things as you.

And I’m so happy for you that your girl is turning a corner 💐

Yes same. My mum is nowhere near as bad as OPs mum but sometimes she does the crocodile tears martyr thing and I have to admit it brings my rage out like nothing else. Took many years to stop reacting and just smile.

I thought narcissist. Which is why I never gave my mother my mobile number and never put the answering machine on.

@tiredmumdc you crack on with your little ones, forget the drama llama at the end of the phone.

Why are you ringing and texting people
just concentrate on your unwell child
let your husband do all the updating of any relatives that needs to be done
I had four admissions with my baby last winter. I wasn’t stressing myself out phoning and explaining stuff to anyone. You’re not obliged to.
concentrate on your little one and yourself.

God op, she sounds utterly exhausting.

I can't believe her response about the nurses in her work. She can tell them it's none of hers or their business. Let her go off I'm a strop and never chase her again. If she wants to be involved in your life it can be on your terms not hers.

I'm pleased your dd is seeming a bit better.

This is unforgivable OP. I would be so hurt. I feel really sad that this happened to you.

Your Mum sounds dreadfully difficult in general, and it's come to a head now because you don't have the capacity to humour her self-absorbedness with all this going on.

If I was to give you one piece of advice, it would be "learn to sit with her discomfort". What that means is, you have been conditioned to respond to her emotions and fix them. You're guilt tripped and emotionally blackmailed so you feel the need to fix things for her, as you're held responsible for her emotions - even when your reasonable actions have 'caused' her very unreasonable responses.

If you can learn to sit through the discomfort of her being distressed, if you can see she's upset and stand firm that the responsibility of that lies with her, not you - well, I actually think it would change your life.

Right now, concentrate on your children and leave her to her tantrums. Give them none of your oxygen. You have bigger problems, let her stew - and reassure yourself they're not yours to fix.

Your mum sounds awful! I’m sorry she is piling on now, and when you are probably worried sick about your little one. She should have responded “oh no, that’s terrible. Do you need anything? Can I help in any way?”

her response was stupid too “yes mum, tell your nurse coworkers the hospital don’t know what it is”

I think you probably just need to take a step back from her. Supply less information and your life will become more smooth as a result. I would encourage you to look up “grey rocking” as a technique and you don’t have to have a big fight or declaration but just step back from all communication. She will likely kick off but you have the perfect excuse “mum I’m so busy juggling 3 kids I barely have time to feed myself, let alone update you on every aspect of my life”.

its hard and disappointing and hurtful to realise that your mum (who’s supposed to support you!) is more interested in being correct, and putting her self first than in supporting you but she’s shown you over and over, but she is very unlikely to change so take some time to adjust your thinking (your GP can likely offer some counselling sessions if you want someone to help you work through it) and create some space. She won’t be able to disappoint you in the future if you expect her to behalf selfishly and expect zero from her.

A hug offered if you would like one. Hang in there!

I did react today I’m ashamed to admit.

I extended the olive branch of I don’t want to argue with you (more so for one less thing to deal with) and she responded I don’t want to argue with you BUT I’ve done everything for you, done it all myself and I’m sick of you snapping at me. I wouldn’t snap at my MIL. Then she started crying.

I reiterated that she has a grand daughter currently lying in hospital and this is her main concern, I have a poorly 8 month old DD in hospital, that I have bigger and more important things to be dealing with and I’m sick of her always focusing everything on her feelings and not to contact me again if this is all she is going to discuss.

Between last nights phone call and seeing her today not once did she ask how DD was getting on.

Im ashamed for what I’ve said but the tears was the breaking point for me today. I’ve been crying non stop for days with worry, flash backs, lack of sleep, worried about my toddler being away from either myself or my husband for too long, and she’s crying because I snapped at her for repeatedly asking an unanswerable question and for making herself the focus, yet again.

Then tonight being sleep deprived, and alone at home with my thoughts and my conscious kicking in I’m lying wondering if I’ve been a massive cow for snapping at her and if it warrants being reduced to tears, and making it the sole focus of what she wants to discuss, rather than asking how her GD is doing.