DD in hospital, snapped at Mum

[tiredmumdc]

My DD was rushed to hospital earlier in the week, 8 months, viral infection that the entire house had that unfortunately for her caused bronchiolitis. She’s been on high flow oxygen and feeding tube, really scary time. Currently 30 weeks pregnant, juggling this with a toddler at home. Because of the illness of everyone, we’ve not slept well for two weeks, night four in hospital.

Every time I speak to my mum she keeps asking what viral infection it was, I snapped after the third time of her asking whilst phoning to update on her progress. I’ve said repeatedly they don’t care what viral infection it was and they’re not concerned about the type, they are only concerned with managing her symptoms and said I was away at hung up.

I called her 15 hours after DD was admitted as she was admitted at 2 am, and her response was “why am I only finding out now?!” I had 10 drs/nurses in the room with me at various points, my only concern was caring for my daughter in the moment, plus I knew it wouldn’t be an easy, supportive conversation with her.

Back to me snapping, she messaged me shortly after last night whilst I was still in hospital at my daughters bedside to “stop speaking to her like crap”. I reiterated that I’ve repeatedly told her that they don’t care what viral infection it was, only making her better. She responded with she has a right to know.

I had to pick up something from her house today and was greeted with her crying and “I’ve done everything for you and this is how you treat me”. She has zero consideration of the stress anyone else is under. It’s fine for her to snap at me and my brother 365 days of the year, never apologies, but if one of us are at the end of our tether we’re the worst children in the world. Zero consideration of the wider picture of what we could possibly be going through.

I’ve got so much going on just now, sleepless nights, worry and yet again she’s making her and her feelings the only thing that matters. Not once today has she messaged asking how DD is.

Am I the worst daughter in the world for snapping? Or would you understand if your child did if they were under immense stress? I know this will drag out to silent treatment for months and I honestly don’t need to deal with it right now.

A toddler, an 8 month old baby (in hospital) and you're pregnant? I am not surprised you are shattered and snapping at people

My son was in hospital at that age though and they definitely told me what viruses he had, so hopefully they will tell you soon.

I wouldn’t hold it against my daughter you must be so stressed and tired and overwhelmed

You are not being unreasonable, and hopefully, she will reflect and understand. Don't worry about that; worry about your child. Much more important to be a good mum now than a good daughter, it would be great if she was a great granny now too.

Reading that back I don’t think it’s very clear, every time I’ve spoken to her since advising she was admitted she’s asked “have they told you yet the viral infection it is” and each time I’ve said they’re not concerned with what type it is only her symptoms. She’s fixated on finding out what type, even though I’ve repeated the drs have said it’s just a side effect of any viral infection that young babies can have with lowered immune systems. Nothing out of the ordinary, just one of those things.

They’ve checked and it’s definitely not bacterial, just advised it’s viral. My toddler picked up a bug from nursery, recovered and passed it to me and DD, she’s obviously not recovered the same and ended up in hospital.

Thank you for your reply, I feel completely spaced out with the lack of sleep and unable to see if it’s a normal human reaction under pressure or if I deserve to be public enemy no1 for months! X

It sounds like everyone is worried and tempers are short - totally understandable.

Doctors usually will try to confirm what virus it is, I think. When my little one was in for bronchiolitis, they checked for covid, flu, rsv etc.

We got results the day after she was admitted if i recall correctly.

Regardless, your mum shouldn't be focused on this !

No. You’re tired, stressed and upset. She should be supporting you not adding to your load. But she’s clearly not a normal person is she. Sounds like there’s lots of backstory.

@tiredmumdc she probably just wants to google the virus, read up about it and its affects to see how serious this situation is. You not telling her is just holding her back from what she wants to do - you’re frustrating her, and she’s then frustrating you.

I’m guessing this situation between you both is usual. So, not unreasonable to have snapped - she pushes your buttons.

You’ll both get over it. In the meantime just focus on your baby getting better.

They may never know what virus it is, and like you said, they don't really care, as long as she gets better.

Regardless, your mum should be supporting you - ensuring you eat, offering to sort out anything you need at home, etc. NOT making it about her. Ignore her for now, and focus 100% on your daughter, you, and the one you're carrying.

Wishing your daughter all the best for a speedy recovery.

Considering the 8 month old is the one in hospital I doubt very much OP would want her mother anywhere near them!

If she gives you the silent treatment it sounds like a win.

She sounds incredibly self absorbed and toxic. Let her give you the silent treatment. Might be a lovely break tbh. Start implementing boundaries now whilst your three children are young. You won’t regret it.

I just can’t get over you are 30 weeks pregnant and have an 8 month old? Yikes.

Sending get well soon vibes to the babe. Bronchiolitis is so scary but the docs know what they’re doing.

It will blow over with your mum, people act strangely when they are stressed x

I think it might be an idea for you to look at the stately homes thread on the Relationships board. I’m not going to armchair diagnose her as a narcissist, but your mum sounds like a dick. It’s all about her and her feelings and placing herself right in the centre of things, rather than understanding that you need her support, not her dramatics.

She’s essentially thrown a tantrum. Acceptable-ish from a two year old. Absolutely unacceptable from anyone older than that. So treat her like a toddler having a tantrum. You don’t reward her with positive attention. You don’t try and fix things for her so she gets her own way. You don’t apologise to her so she thinks she was in the right. You ignore her for a while. You’ve got enough on your plate, you don’t need to cope with her as well.

And when your DD is through the worst and you know she’s going to be absolutely fine and you’ve got nothing to worry about, you can send her a text and tell her that for the children’s sake, you’re willing to have a conversation with her, but that you need to be very clear that you will not be apologising for her awful behaviour and that if she’s to have any sort of relationship with you and your DC going forward, then there will have to be some serious boundaries put in place because you will never forgive her for how she behaved when you needed her most. She has no rights to know anything. I wonder if she thinks you know and you just don’t want to tell her, as you haven’t actually said the words ‘I don’t know’?

YANBU at all OP. From everything you have said it sounds like she ticks all the boxes for a narcissist. It is awful living under this behaviour and my heart goes out to you. There are lots of threads on here re narcissistic mothers that you may want to read through when your baby is well and you're home and have caught up on sleep. You've been through hell and all you need is a supportive, kind and caring mum who can put herself in your shoes a little. Of course you will feel upset and frustrated at her childish behaviour. Try to ignore her and just focus on your kids for now. I hope your baby gets well very quickly. Look after yourself too, especially at 30 weeks pregnant x

Same. You must have conceived within 2 weeks of birth or less.

Anyway, that aside, I hope she's on the mend soon and don't worry about the snapping. You've got a lot on.

I suspect she wants to post all over SM that her darling grandchild is in hospital with ... and therefore get loads of sympathy. Do you rely on her for childcare? If not, I'd ease away from her.

She wants to Google it!! Then tell you dr is treating it wrong,and so and so's aunties child down the road had it,and they were so much worse.
That's why she wants to know, as she won't remotely know what the virus is!

Your mother sounds very self-centred! Id be tempted to block her number whilst DD recovers. You don't need to be managing her emotions, you have enough to deal with.

Jeeze OP, I had to have a short stay in hospital with my 4 year old recently and had 2 at home with dad and I was completely exhausted took me about a week once home to feel normal again! At 30 weeks pregnant I honestly don’t know how you’re doing it, you must be done in. Hope your 8 month old recovers quickly and you can get home and get some rest. Maybe just mute your mum for a while!

This is it exactly. If they did tell us (which they won’t as they’re not investigating the type), I’d receive tik toks at 2 am on it with false information, “someone in my work told me” messages etc etc. She actually said “nurses in my work have been asking me, am I just supposed to tell them I can’t tell you as I can’t ask my daughter this as it will upset her”.

In the most blunt way, I care more about what my DDs consultants, drs and nurses are telling me, factual info direct to me, rather than second hand information from nurses with no specialised information or knowledge on my DDs condition, stats etc.

You’re right OP - whatever virus it is doesn’t matter and the only thing that matters is your little one getting better. Huge hugs - many of us have been in your shoes and it’s unbelievably awful.

Hoping your back home soon with a well little one

With my first I was admitted at 32 weeks for suspected early labour, talk of administering steroids etc. She had fell out with my brother a few weeks prior, and because I hadn’t asked how her she was she fell out with me.

I let her know about the suspected early labour whilst in hospital and her response was “your brother can help you”. I’m just so fed up with her feelings always coming first. My entire life she’s snapped at me and used the excuse years later she’s had a hard life, yet when it’s someone else going through something, it’s still only her feelings that matter.

Me snapping is definitely years of resentment of her not just being able to be there and be supportive, but fixating on things that don’t matter just because she feels “she has a right to know”.

She sounds like my mum, it's exhausting. If she's further like my mum she wants to Google the hell out of the viral infection and make suggestions or police your childs care which is why she's fixated.