DD in hospital, snapped at Mum

[tiredmumdc]

My DD was rushed to hospital earlier in the week, 8 months, viral infection that the entire house had that unfortunately for her caused bronchiolitis. She’s been on high flow oxygen and feeding tube, really scary time. Currently 30 weeks pregnant, juggling this with a toddler at home. Because of the illness of everyone, we’ve not slept well for two weeks, night four in hospital.

Every time I speak to my mum she keeps asking what viral infection it was, I snapped after the third time of her asking whilst phoning to update on her progress. I’ve said repeatedly they don’t care what viral infection it was and they’re not concerned about the type, they are only concerned with managing her symptoms and said I was away at hung up.

I called her 15 hours after DD was admitted as she was admitted at 2 am, and her response was “why am I only finding out now?!” I had 10 drs/nurses in the room with me at various points, my only concern was caring for my daughter in the moment, plus I knew it wouldn’t be an easy, supportive conversation with her.

Back to me snapping, she messaged me shortly after last night whilst I was still in hospital at my daughters bedside to “stop speaking to her like crap”. I reiterated that I’ve repeatedly told her that they don’t care what viral infection it was, only making her better. She responded with she has a right to know.

I had to pick up something from her house today and was greeted with her crying and “I’ve done everything for you and this is how you treat me”. She has zero consideration of the stress anyone else is under. It’s fine for her to snap at me and my brother 365 days of the year, never apologies, but if one of us are at the end of our tether we’re the worst children in the world. Zero consideration of the wider picture of what we could possibly be going through.

I’ve got so much going on just now, sleepless nights, worry and yet again she’s making her and her feelings the only thing that matters. Not once today has she messaged asking how DD is.

Am I the worst daughter in the world for snapping? Or would you understand if your child did if they were under immense stress? I know this will drag out to silent treatment for months and I honestly don’t need to deal with it right now.

Hi OP, I just wanted to send a virtual hug for everything you’re dealing with. I really hope your little one is home safe and sound again soon.
My mother is a covert narcissist so I am well versed in everything you’ve described about your own mum.
You really do need to learn to stop feeling guilty for setting boundaries/standing up for yourself. As other posters have said, she conditioned you whilst raising you to put her feelings above all else, and it takes serious strength to dismantle this belief.
This is not an easy thing to do, but you must in order to heal yourself from her mistreatment of you and be able to deal with her effectively going forward.
The whole grey rock thing never worked on my Mum because if she got a whiff of a boundary she would be hysterically calling me, crying crocodile tears, turning up everywhere she thought I’d be etc.
In the end I had to go NC with her but having had that space from her now, I realise how completely dysfunctional the thinking of a narcissist actually is. I haven’t lost anything by cutting our relationship, because there was never any genuine love there from her side - just manipulation, control, jealousy, lies, bragging rights etc etc.
I won’t go on about it because you have much more important things to focus on at the moment, but please OP, don’t rethink your actions. You did the right thing by snapping at her in the moment as it got her off your case.
When you are feeling stronger emotionally you could try grey rocking her and see how she reacts.
FYI, the silent treatment she gives you is a severe form of emotional abuse. I bet you grew up with it too?
They definitely know how to do a number on us, these narcissistic parents, but you’re an adult now not a helpless child, and you can decide to step back and disengage.
Who cares if she’s blood family? You wouldn’t accept this treatment from a friend who said they loved you and then behaved the way she does!
It sounds like you have a brother so you still have him (even if he’s under your mothers control still).
I absolutely validate your feelings and behaviour towards your mother and actually think you need to do more of it.
Do Not feel guilty 🩷

I think what you said was perfect op. I'd now ignore. In my (depressingly similar) experience it's quite possible she'll never mention it again as she's not used to you standing up for yourself and challenging her behaviour. Great to see your baby's improving, hope she'll be home soon. And best wishes to you

Thank you for taking the time to comment and sorry that you’ve experienced what you have.

Her go to normally is to cut contact, block our numbers, remove us from Facebook, and basically just forget we exist. Until we beg and plead for her to speak to us again. She just shuts down. I know for a fact she won’t be in contact with me again until I make the first move so I’m going to take time just focusing on myself and kids just now and try and put it to the back of my mind. It’s the embarrassment factor too, having to explain to DH that she’s not been in touch to even ask how her DGC is just because she’s pissed at me.

Even thinking back to when my DN was born, she had fell out with my DB (for something similar, a snap or tired conversation I’m sure- nothing major) and didn’t even extend an olive branch when his partner was trying to reach out to her, DB was obviously upset and going through enough and she still didn’t back down and didn’t meet DN for a month. When she did regain contact, it was the doting Gran posts on Facebook a month after DNs arrival. Of course it’s been brought up through the years it was DB fault, not hers.

It’s definitely dysfunctional, my DH and his family have a strained relationship sometimes and they will argue and fall out, but are speaking again the next day. It just highlights to me that a fall out with my DM will last months, whereas other people actually move on.

DD had a great night last night and just had her first bottle! So definitely over the peak of the virus and coming out the other side. Lying with my toddler asleep cuddled into me I couldn’t ever imagine treating my kids the same way, no matter what happened between us. It’s been an eye opener our relationship since becoming a parent.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope your child makes a full recovery very swiftly.

In terms of your mother: let her cut you off, let her disappear off with a dramatic flounce and don't beg for her back. Not all parental relationships are healthy and this one sounds toxic.

I'd focus on your little family and find your peace. I'm sure she will end up coming back when she realises that nobody is coming with an olive branch this time and she may have pushed her dramatics too far.

If she doesn't, that's on her. You'll be stress free and not having to tread on eggshells.

Your mother can behave like this, safe in the knowledge that you and your DB will eventually make the moves to solve the problem.
Then she can justify to herself that she was right.
Stop doing it! If she wants to go NC with you because she is sulking, let her.
Your life is far too busy and fraught to deal with her fragile ego at the moment.
Perhaps if she realises that this time it is up to her, she won't be so quick to do it again.

It sounds like she'll get your brother to put pressure on you to submit. If he does, suggest you both grey rock her, be united.

She sounds like my MIL, we ended up in hospital shortly after our baby was born and had to cancel her meeting him. She was just upset for herself that she wasn't going to meet him rather than actually caring that he was in hospital.

Fast forward a few years of ridiculous behaviour and she's no longer in our lives. She fell out with us over something stupid, has done nothing to smooth things over and we refuse to fix it this time, life is good now :)

I'd just leave her to it and enjoy your peaceful life without her. Glad to hear little one is on the mend!

@tiredmumdc your mother is unfortunately toxic. Let her block you from everything, just take peace in knowing that all your communication channels remain open for when she decides to contact you. You’ve not blocked her from your life should she want to be part of it. Leave the ball in her court.

You say it’s embarrassing. If asked about your mother, simply say ‘I think she’s sulking at the moment, she’ll be in touch when she gets her sh*t together’ and just leave it as that.

Thank you all for your comments, really helps me feel like I’m not alone just now. With DH and one DC in hospital the house is eerily quiet and toddler still fast asleep beside me. Scared to move as they’ve had a few late nights this week and know they need the sleep!

I’ve also realised that the toothache I’ve experienced this week is related to my blocked sinuses as a result of this viral infection which explains being unable to sleep last night with the blockage/pain, so if anyone has any pregnancy safe remedies for that, it would be great! Need every ounce of energy and attention on DD!

Just waiting on consultant doing their rounds this morning for a further update but DH said DD had a really good night, is now on level 1 low flow oxygen (after being on 19 high flow yesterday!) and has managed two bottles and kept them down so I’m thrilled with that. Can’t wait to have all my babies home under the one roof.

I can understand why you always try and appease your mum, even after such dreadfully cruel behaviour, as, apart from your children, she is your nearest blood relative and there is an expectation that the mother/daughter relationship will be close.

However, there is clearly something very wrong with your mother and the way that she has treated you and your brother is unbelievably dreadful. I don't think that she is capable of feeling, never mind displaying, normal love for her children and grandchildren. She is entirely self-centred and utterly selfish.

She brings nothing but drama and pain to your life. She is the opposite of a doting grandmother, despite her performative posts on social media. It's all a lie.

If you cut her off completely, your life will be so peaceful. I'm so glad that your DD is on the mend. All your energy should be going to your own family and preparing for the birth of the newest member of your family.

That’s how I went NC, OP.
After she had yet another tantrum over a lack of attention whilst my DH was critically ill in hospital I just stopped trying. And she’s never messaged me again as she thinks I’m in the wrong!!!!
It is beyond my comprehension how she could behave like that and I never want to see her ever again. She can ignore me all she likes but she cut herself off when she ignored my kids too, all because of her fragile ego.
Stop chasing her, let her take herself off into the sunset and you are then free to live a happy peaceful life with your gorgeous babies and lovely husband.
I’m so pleased your little one is through the worst.

Try a nasal rinse for your sinuses. It does often work and is fine during pregnancy. Just make sure the water is boiled and cooled.

I'm afraid to say that people who are not legal guardians of a child don't have any sorts of rights to be informed of anything at all. If you want to tell her, then that is your choice, but if she causes more stress than comfort, then stop. You are not responsible for the emotional incontinence of an adult. Having DC is quite a common time when such dynamics show all the fissures in relationships.

Your Mother might be a, outwardly. good grandmother as the moment (but not really because of the stress she'll cause their parents and letting her ego get in the way of seeing her newborn granchild and that's without not really giving a shit about how your DD or you, are doing), but you might find that changes once your children hit the tween stage. It would have done my MH the world of good to have not let a relationship build up between my Mother and children. They now laugh about her, attitude/behaviour etc, but she was of no use, emotionally etc to them.

https://www.herbalhealth.org.uk/product/ninja-for-people/
This is good for sinus pain. It doesn’t enter the bloodstream so is fine to use while pregnant.
(Can only post to UK so apologies if you’re elsewhere).

Glad to hear your little one is on the mend.
I got unnecessary agro from my mum during a hospital stay with a child.
Now, I limit private information as they share it far and wide and when challenged it is all about them and how the situation made them feel. Nights in hospital with a baby on fast flow oxygen and a feeding tube? Nothing compares because they couldn’t sleep for the worry and feel absolutely wretched.
I wonder whether your mum felt a lose of control when people asked her what the virus was and she couldn’t provide that information. Maybe it’s also to do with her feeling needed even when she can’t/wont help in the way you’d expect. Narcissistic people care a lot about how they come across to others and keep up with their illusions.

You're not being unreasonable at all, the situation is very stressful for you and your mum should understand that be quietly supportive, not trying to make it about her. Hope your dd is soon better.

You reacted in a completely understandable way.

Im glad your dd is getting better.

Unfortunately people like this rarely change. When you said she has gone NC with her entire family it all makes sense. Are you in contact with them? Maybe you could reach out more to them in the future and build more of a relationship?

I would seriously limit contact with her. ( I have done so with my own mother and it has made life less toxic and stressful.)
It doesn’t really matter what you do or say she will always think she is right so don’t bother.

I would concentrate on your own little family. Leave the door open to her but also leave her to it. To not even ask how the baby is or offer to help is pretty low.

I don’t know why being a mum comes with high irritation. Mine would do same and I would respond same. I actively avoid telling her things because I know what will happen as a consequence. Csn you set boundaries? I tell my mum i don’t need solutions right now, just want it off my chest.

I have never informed my mother of any event when it happens. I didn’t tell her I was getting married till the day before. And only then because I’d phoned my usual monthly call and I was something to say. I sent her photos of new baby after they were born..she never saw me pregnant. I was out of hospital a month after being in for a month with 3 strokes, before I informed her. She doesn’t have a right to know. It doesn’t affect her.
It occurs to me, she doesn’t know my son was divorced earlier this year…I might tell her next week.

When you are feeling stronger there are some excellent books on toxic parents and FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that some families are ruled by.

You will find yourself in the pages. And learn strategies to not repeat the cycle with your children.

Thank you everyone for your replies, honestly keeping me a tad sane just now.

DD is now fully off oxygen and her feeding tube, they are talking about discharge tonight. Her oxygen levels are around 92, but they said anything over 90 they are happy with bronch. Will try and push for observations for another night mainly for peace of mind for her.

Not heard a thing from her, the last she was aware of DDs condition was that she was still on the feeding tube and low flow oxygen (a message I sent to the family chat the morning after the snapping incident and before I seen her which she read and ignored). I just cannot fathom how you can care so little when you feel you’ve been wronged. For all she knows she’s taken a turn again. You can treat me how you like, but to show such little disregard for your DGC is where I draw the line and won’t back down this time.

If you are thinking that someone might recognize you I would close down the thread OP. Just changing the ages of your child does not obscure your identity that much.

Fantastic news about DD! I can’t begin to imagine how frantic you must have been and I’m so happy for you that she’s on the mend now. 💐

Unless she is babysitting your older child and/or offering to sit for a hour or two with the baby in hospital to give you a break, then I honestly wouldn’t bother with her at all. Let her stew in her own juices and if she does make contact again, tell her you dropped contact because of how she hurt you by not helping at all during a time of crisis.

Why would she help out it's all about her doncha know.