AIBU to feel hurt about missing my fiancée’s birthday again?

[LeopardPrint21]

I have been with my partner for around 2 years and we have just very recently got engaged. We are a same sex couple.

It is her birthday this weekend, and yet again, I’m hardly going to see her on the actual day. She has a twin, and every birthday, she just lets her twin dictate what they do and there is never much effort to include me in the plans. It’s literally the mentality of this is what’s happening on my birthday, either you can make it or you can’t.

I think this year stings a bit more because it’s a special birthday milestone, she knows it upset me last year, and this year the exact same thing has happened and she will be spending majority of her birthday with her family whilst I’m at home (that’s a whole other issue that I cba to detail here).

I just feel a little bit hurt and rejected because I personally would want my partner to share my special occasions with me, but it doesn’t feel like a priority for her to do the same regarding me. It just feels weird to literally be engaged to someone but never spending their birthday with them.

AIBU for feeling like this?

Why didn’t you go with her and enjoy the celebration? I have twin sons and they spend every birthday with each other but we ‘tag’ along.

Why are you at home as you didn’t explain?

Can you not go with her?

What’s the back story?

why can’t you be there?

If there's some reason you don't want to join in, just make sure you organise a special celebration the following weekend.

Is it a special milestone birthday for her twin too? If so it's understandable they would want to be together.

Why don’t you plan a whole special day the day before or after. Does it have to be on the actual day?

So I can’t go with her because of the timings they are going out and my child’s routine and getting ready for school the next day (not her child and is valid for our circumstances). It was all centred around her twin and her twins child’s routine and she didn’t even bring up about my child going to the meal in the first place so personally I don’t even feel like she was invited or considered when the plans were made, and my partner was fine knowing this.

Is this a serious question?

Have you asked her to spend her birthday with you?

So she's had her twin for 30,40.50 or maybe more years, you've been around for about two. Her twin will be her twin for life, you may or may not be. It is an awkward dynamic. Maybe just try to set her twin up with someone so she isn't needed in the same way, this will ease; she will find someone, you will feel more permanent. Maybe in a future year take her overseas and kill the pattern. This year move heaven and earth to join them.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is not once did she say - it’s really important for you and our own family to be there with me so let’s make the plan for my birthday work somehow - it was that automatic shut down of us even being a part of it all.

I think the clue might be in the word twin.

How would it not be a special milestone for her twin as well 😂

It doesn't sound like she's that bothered about it if she's happy to let her twin dictate what happens. If the whole thing means more to her twin than it does to her then it's not surprising she's not bothered about what they do or who with.

I'm not remotely interested in my birthday. If DH started getting stroppy because I wasn't doing something with him for my birthday I'd wouldn't be happy at all. When it's his birthday that's the time for him to have input into how it's spent.

Her birthday is obviously about her and her twin, and you’ve only been together 2 years. The day just isn’t about you. Do something else with her on a different day to celebrate

Can you not bend your child’s routine just this once? Life can’t be so rigid.

Spat out my drink 🤣🤣🤣

She's not that into you, hun, sorry

We weren’t even officially invited to the meal, added into the numbers for the meal or anything like that, literally all the other siblings partner’s will be there apart from me - that feels shit

Is the meal they have planned suitable for children your child's age/are other children going, like the twin's child? If the birthday people want an adult only meal/evening, I think this is understandable. Trying to think of it from your fiancée's perspective - she only has one birthday a year and it's always the same day; if it's not suitable for your child to go to whatever celebration they have planned could you arrange for someone to look after her while you go out? Your fiancée may be thinking that you're not bothered about her birthday and choosing not to go, leaving her to celebrate it as more of a birth family event.

Would she be open to the two of you having your own celebration for her birthday, maybe earlier that day or another day that week?

Also, if this is a broader issue where you feel she's typically not taking your child, and/or your responsibilities as a parent, seriously then that's something to discuss and make sure you've worked out BEFORE getting married!!

>>>> Edited to add - just saw your follow up about not even being invited - that is different. Have you asked her why? Is her family homophobic, or is there some other weird divide going on (e.g., all the other siblings are married already, or the partners are close family friends who'd be invited anyway)?

How old is your child? Can’t you be more flexible or book a babysitter? You could have booked something nice for today if the meal is tomorrow. It’s their birthday and you’re making it about you. I’d have turned up cheery tomorrow with a present and cards for both. Get the twin onside seriously. I have twins and it’s a weird relationship.

she knows it upset me last year, and this year the exact same thing has happened and she will be spending majority of her birthday with her family whilst I’m at home (that’s a whole other issue that I cba to detail here).

Well could you be bothered to detail a little bit?

It might be relevant.

Does her twin like you?

It’s a general theme of her having a very separate life with her family and me regularly feeling excluded from anything and everything they do. It makes me feel like we don’t properly share a life together and often brushed to the side and there is never an automatic invite for me at special occasions. As far as I know her twin likes me, we all get on as okay as we can considering the fact I hardly see them because of what I’ve just listed above.

It's hers and her twins birthday, not yours. Have you even told her you want to celebrate with her? Made any effort to plan something yourself or adjust your routine to suit the people whos birthday it is?
You need to accept that you're unlikely to be the number one priority at all times for a twin, just like (I hope) your child is your priority, your partners priority is likely her twin. They have very special bonds.

Sure ot if it’s a milestone birthday for one it is also for the other?