House move or baby? DH and I disagreement

[NotSureNeedSomething]

Another AIBU from me, recently did a job related one and got some fabulous advice from both sides (thanks all) so going a house/baby one.

So, currently live in a nice area (Me, DH and 1 xDC) in a small 3 bed end terrace. Very big garden though which DC loves We have done it up, added a really good quality conservatory that you can actually use most of the year, and it’s lovely inside but small. 1 toilet only. We are outgrowing it however.
DC is in Y1 primary school, so next child age gap is quite big - that’s not an issue to me, we are early 30s.

DH would love another child, I also would. However, I would also love a bigger house with 2 toilets - the jump up to stay in our area and have more space is roughly going to be £100-150k more. So a big bump up on our mortgage which will go from £800 to £1600 roughly. Joint income currently £80-85k.
On paper we can afford it if we push ourselves, but if we have a second child there will be a rough few years of mat leave / nursery fees /early childcare costs. There is definitely an element of envy and longing from me I won’t lie, we are the lowest earners for our area really and smallest house. DCs friends all have big houses. I feel like we are not living up to what we could have - reasonable earners who in theory could have a bigger house. I may also have a promotion on the horizon however nothing concrete unfortunately. Steady stable jobs that we are established in, think LA/NHS sector

My AIBU is :

YABU - stay put as DH says, where the costs are low and you can enjoy life and factor in a second child without being too stressed.

YANBU - move now whilst you only have 1 and make it work for a second as it’s only a few years of tight living, and houses are only getting more expensive. Plus if you wait until having a second, you are classed as having 2 dependants which will impact mortgage offers.

sorry, that’s long. No major drop feed I can think of. But do ask if any questions.

Tough one. I think in your shoes I would move. You don’t seem happy in the current house, but remember comparison is the thief of joy.

Also it may not be such a linear choice. Five years trying and one miscarriage here and we have the nice house with just us and the dog in it!

I realise I have not really helped, sorry!

To add - we possibly wouldn’t be able to afford holidays if we moved - for a couple of years at least. DH thinks we wait until 2029 when we hopefully have a second DC and worst of nursery fees and reduced pay done with.

Thank you @Fallulahit is really tough and I appreciate timings may not actually go to plan in terms of DC2

Id go for the house everytime but then I only had one child. I didnt want any more.

Move now!
Cautionary tale...

Bought a 3 bed semi before getting married, or having any kids
Then.

1 child, childcare
2 children, more childcare
3rd child. Madness, but love her... even more childcare

Now. Stuck in 3 bed semi with 3 kids, 11, 13, 15... finally able to afford a new house but can't find one without uprooting schools, sports, friends etc...

Should have moved years ago.

Regrets....

I'd stay put and save up. Everyone is saying the housing market is a nightmare right now, and prices are static, possibly falling. The bathroom issue won't really start to bite until a couple of years after your DC2 is born.

You should also consider catchments for secondary schools

I say house. A big age gap is better in my experience. My eldest and 2nd born is 8 years between them. She was old enough to entertain herself while baby was needing loads of attention. I then had 3rd two years later and I always felt sorry for 2nd born. They are great friends now but was hard going at the time.

You have time on your side

is there no chance of getting an extension?

‘Not living up to what we could have’ well it depends what you want really if you can’t have it all doesn’t it? Do you want one child and a bigger house with no holidays, or do you want 2 children and a smaller house for now that’s actually still perfectly fine for a family for 4 if you stop being jealous of other people?

If the house is the main thing and you don’t mind that you may miss out on a second child (fertility isn’t guaranteed but does decline with age), then that’s the right choice. But if it’s just jealously and trying to keep up with others then I’d put family first personally and have another baby. You have a 3 bed home that you’ve done up and is nice, all the upheaval for the sake of a second toilet wouldn’t be for me.

I would stay, have the baby and re evaluate in a few years. Redecorated or do up areas of the house if there’s aspects your not happy with. Possible extension?
yes you would have the house you want but would be pretty rubbish sticking to a tight budget, no holidays, no treats, adding in if any repairs where needed in new house.

But it sounds as if you would only need a bigger house if, and only if, you had another baby?

I mean, in your shoes, I’d try to think about what’s making you dissatisfied about your current house. Is it genuinely inconveniently small or have you just fixated on an extra loo as some kind of keeping up with the Joneses thing?

Can you extend your current house.

Comparison is the thief of joy. I know it's easy to say and hard to do but do not compare yourself to people in bigger houses. If your house is the correct size for you, it doesn't not matter what others have.
I would personally prioritise having a second child, you have three bedrooms so you'll be okay bedroom wise. Sounds like conservatory could be used as a play room and you have a big garden. And I'd then re assess the situation and move in a few years.
Personally, I'd happily sacrifice foreign holidays for the sake of having a second child and moving.

I can extend technically, as we are end terrace and plenty of space to extend sideways to make a big master and en-suite, and a bigger kitchen/diner, another lounge and a utility/toilet. So yes, that is an option. However, we are a row of terraced houses, and if we extend it will be a big cost and we would need to decide to stay here for another 15/20 years to make back the cost I imagine. As it would be similar to the cost of moving anyway with current prices for house renovations! @Tablesandchairs23@HoraceCope

As someone that lives in a massive house, I am constantly on rightmove thinking of all the money we’d have if we just had a smaller one. I don’t think anyone would look back in time and think I wish I had a bigger house, but I bet there’s many that look back and think they wished they’d had another child.

I think with the financial and future job uncertainty you would be mad to move.

I’d stay put, overpay mortgage & save like crazy to eventually extend.

You have a 3 bed house so must be hanging on to a lot of “stuff” to be outgrowing it?

I’m with your husband all the way. Other people being richer and having bigger houses is a silly reason to move, but those things have never been important to me. I could afford a 2 or 3 bed terrace in my area but choose to stay in my 1-bed flat (no kids) because I like the freedom and flexibility that a tiny mortgage brings. A friend of mine has a palatial detached 5-bed up the road, I genuinely don’t feel the remotest sniff of envy. It sounds like your current home is easily affordable and could accommodate a second child without adding financial pressure.

I sometimes look with envy at those with big houses (we have 2 DC in a small 3 bed terrace house with decent garden but feels like everyone else has a big house) however I wouldn't want the bigger mortgage - our DC can do all the clubs / sports / activities they want, we can do holidays. We aren't well off by any means but with a bigger mortgage we couldn't do those things.

We are definitely not having any more kids & everyone has a bedroom each which is what matters to me. May put a little en suite in upstairs at some point for a 2nd bathroom/loo.

However if a bigger house is most important to you, you should go for it.

Is moving to a cheaper area an option? Then you could do both (or extending current house)
If you want another baby and in your 30s i think you should do that first or it might never happen

Your title says "house move or baby?" but it seems from the post itself that you've decided on having another baby, and the question is more whether to move now (and have a tight few years) or to move later on. Given that, it seems to me that if you've both decided you want another baby, it's worth trying for that now, and treating whether to move as an independent question. If you move and wait for your finances to be on an even keel, it could be years later, and then maybe even longer to conceive.

I'd stay in the house. I value holidays, the memories they create with DC are priceless. I really, really value living comfortably and not being stressed about how I will manage incidental expenses. I wouldn't give that up to avoid having a smaller house than my associates and an extra toilet.
I also wouldn't want to delay having a second child, as you say, there's already quite a big gap. Early 30s, although an average age for having babies, is still an age where fertility is starting to decline. Yes, people do have babies much older, but putting it off for a couple of years gets you to mid 30s where there is a steep decline in fertility.
I'd also bear in mind that teens are expensive. As are babies and preschoolers, having one of each at the same time could stretch you more than you expect.

If you want another baby I would have one now

My kids have a big age gap and it is not ideal.

I'd also want holidays/to travel.

I think you could have a second loo put in downstairs relatively cheaply.

You have 3 bedrooms and the luxury of a big garden so a new baby wouldn't be a problem Instead of the large extension you've described could you work in a new downstairs toilet and maybe a utility room? I would prioritise the baby if you really do want another one.

Honestly on your income you can't afford the mortgage jump and the child care fees until funded childcare kicks in then look to move

I’d move now. Even if you tried for another child now, depending on how long that takes you could be in the position of being on maternity leave in 2 years time and being more fed up with the house by then and being in a position where house prices are even higher and it’s more difficult to get a mortgage due to maternity leave and having 2 children.

You’ll somehow make it work. You don’t need big holidays when you have young children, they’re not a holiday anyway, just parenting in a different place which is usually more difficult because the kids are out of routine and you don’t have all your usual comforts around you. Save the holidays for when they’re a bit bigger and will enjoy them more.