House move or baby? DH and I disagreement

[NotSureNeedSomething]

Another AIBU from me, recently did a job related one and got some fabulous advice from both sides (thanks all) so going a house/baby one.

So, currently live in a nice area (Me, DH and 1 xDC) in a small 3 bed end terrace. Very big garden though which DC loves We have done it up, added a really good quality conservatory that you can actually use most of the year, and it’s lovely inside but small. 1 toilet only. We are outgrowing it however.
DC is in Y1 primary school, so next child age gap is quite big - that’s not an issue to me, we are early 30s.

DH would love another child, I also would. However, I would also love a bigger house with 2 toilets - the jump up to stay in our area and have more space is roughly going to be £100-150k more. So a big bump up on our mortgage which will go from £800 to £1600 roughly. Joint income currently £80-85k.
On paper we can afford it if we push ourselves, but if we have a second child there will be a rough few years of mat leave / nursery fees /early childcare costs. There is definitely an element of envy and longing from me I won’t lie, we are the lowest earners for our area really and smallest house. DCs friends all have big houses. I feel like we are not living up to what we could have - reasonable earners who in theory could have a bigger house. I may also have a promotion on the horizon however nothing concrete unfortunately. Steady stable jobs that we are established in, think LA/NHS sector

My AIBU is :

YABU - stay put as DH says, where the costs are low and you can enjoy life and factor in a second child without being too stressed.

YANBU - move now whilst you only have 1 and make it work for a second as it’s only a few years of tight living, and houses are only getting more expensive. Plus if you wait until having a second, you are classed as having 2 dependants which will impact mortgage offers.

sorry, that’s long. No major drop feed I can think of. But do ask if any questions.

I think you are massively underestimating the impact of that bigger mortgage on your life. And it’s not just the mortgage - you will pay higher bills across the board including for repairs and maintenance to a larger house. Throw in maternity leave and I think it’s a fairly mad idea tbh! Have you fully crunched the numbers against your current spending (not just bills, everything) and your current gap? Unless you are currently whacking £800/month into savings or splurging it all on some mega holidays, you simply can’t afford it.

We have a higher income (combined gross £110k) but we’re just outside London and our mortgage now for a similar 3 bed end terrace is £1750/month. We had our second child last year and are just in the process of rearranging the bedrooms to create space - we need a WFH room so our children will share. I would also like a larger house, but we simply can’t afford the 100-150k jump required here. I’m pretty much at the top of my earning potential in my career, DH could earn more so will be looking at that over the next few years, but ultimately our plan is to move to a cheaper area.

In terms or envying others, I get it, I really do. But you do not know what is going on inside other people’s lives, their worries, frustrations, the debt they are carrying, what keeps them awake at night. I have a great husband, happy and healthy kids, a job I enjoy and a life I can afford without worrying about money on the daily. I’m not going to ruin that getting bitter over the lack of fourth bedroom or fancy holidays.

If you move and stretch yourself with your mortgage you will just be another poster on here in a few years time moaning about how you have no money and how you can't afford a holiday or ice cream for your kids. Stay put and actually enjoy your life

You've got enough bedrooms for 2 DC to have their own. I'd definitely stay put.

Admittedly we stuck with 1 DC, but DH and I only moved from our 2 bedroom house to a 3 bedroom house because we'd paid off the mortgage and could easily afford the payments on the bigger house. It means we now have plenty of savings and can afford holidays.

Never stretch your finances for a house if you can avoid it.

Have the baby...

I disagree with overpay... and have "corrected"a previous posters suggestion to my strategy which has to date served me very well.

Have a second child and overpay the current mortgage put as much as you can in a S&S ISA in the meantime to reduce interest it will earn more interest than your mortgage costs and build equity. When you can afford to save overpay by £800 a month then you’ll be able to move. You may not even need such a big mortgage as you’ll have a larger deposit using the equity and ISA money.

Separately given the state of house prices I do not think we are going to see ANY significant property price gains in the next 10 yrs.

Tactically you may well be better off and certainly no worse off by waiting.

To update, me and DH have weighed up all the numbers properly and whilst we could afford a bigger house, in reality as @PestoPastaLifesays, we would be tight up for ages which means life quality would decline. DD does lots of clubs and we enjoy going out socially and a holiday abroad once a year, so it would impact that.
We are going to look at getting quotes to create a single storey side extension, for another lounge/bigger kitchen diner, and a 2nd toilet. This we could afford potentially without being too pushed financially. Probably not a 2 storey though. But hopefully extra living space will future proof us for when DC are older and wants mates round, plus age gap means different life stages which is what I always wanted. 2nd toilet feels non negotiable to me because I grew up with a sister very close in age and competing for bathroom/toilet to get ready is etched in my memory 🤣

@SalmonOnFinnCrispthat is also a great strategy, we have S&S ISAs that we started just last year and already seeing how well they could do so it makes more sense to add more there.

you seem to have reached a very sensible conclusion

Stay.
The baby may take a while to arrive so start now. If and when you get a promotion, and when nursery fees are a dim and distant memory, you can think about moving.
Work on your mindset in the meantime. Comparison is the thief of joy, etc. A small cosy and happy home is a wonderful place for your child to grow up.

Stay, you’d be mad to double your mortgage when you are planning another child. Don’t get trapped in the cycle of always wanting bigger and more, there are so many threads on here of people who did and are struggling financially because of it. Don’t underestimate the benefit of having a bit of money in your pocket to enjoy life, you only get one go at it!

I wouldn’t move, is £800 really worth it for another toilet? Is there no way to put a toilet anywhere downstairs? With two kids you will need that big garden.

Ignore my last post, just read your update

We're kind of similar, just earn slightly more in a small 2 bed. Probably slightly more expensive area, but we do have 3 toilets 😂. We had 2 in quick succession without moving mostly due to my age. I'd think about how you'd feel if you didn't ever have a second (secondary infertility etc). We still live in the same house. Boys (fortunately had second so they can share for longer) are now 3 & 5. It's not amazing but I love everything about the house and area aside from the size. We've stayed long enough that we can cope on one salary if we needed to. I think I'd be happier in your situation having the third bedroom. There is a lot to be said for not overextending in the current climate. So many people being made redundant right now.

What is your catchment secondary school like? It might seem a long way off still, but if your child is finishing Y1 now, you'll be applying for secondary school in 4 years. If you're happy with your catchment secondary, go ahead with the extension. But if you need to move for secondary, there's no point going through the expense and stress of renovations only to move a year or so later.

Hmmm. How can you be 'outgrowing.' a 3 bedroom house with 2 adults and 1 small child?
I grew up in a decent 3 bedroom terrace, no gardens at all (small front yard slightly larger back yard), 1 bathroom and there were 2 adults and 4 kids, I really can't recall ANY arguments about the bathroom.
As adults we bought a 2 bed terrace which we have extended (loft and splitting rooms) it is still cheaper to extend than move especially with tax stuff for larger houses.
We still only have one bathroom/toilet and although id like a 2nd we manage well.
If you want bigger house because of comparing then uou are being totally unreasonable.
Everyone thought this was our 'starter home' but rooms are big and we refused to double our mortgage to get a house with rooms of similar/smaller size but in a 'posh/new' estate . Mortgage was paid off before my husband was 50.
We will be here forever!! house.is already accessible for ground floor living so need to move!

We were in a similar situation 13 years ago. We stayed out in our 3 bed semi, had DS2, we waited and moved 5 years later when he started school. It was still tough but my hubby has double his salary since then and now the kids are 13 & 18 I work much more hours than I did back then. We very financially comfortable now but back then with the cost of childcare etc it was hard but glad we did things in the order we did. I agree with you Dh, stretch yourself two thin and it will create stress and arguments.

I came to stay this. Have your second baby, maternity leave and enjoy all of that financially stress free- you cannot place a price on that.
Look at your secondary school options, your younger one would be in ft school by then and maybe career wise you both would be higher up on salaries too.

Don’t compare yourself. We have a smaller space than everyone we know BUT we are almost mortgage free in mid 40s, able to travel really well and kids attend great private schools (that’s optional).

Great that you have decided to stay put. I don’t think people realise HOW much peace being financially secure gives you.

@AnotherEmmathe catchment secondary schools are all quite similar and all fairly close to our location now. Our location is considered ‘nice/prime’ as its village-y enough but also very near the motorway to get to other areas. It’s in a popular area and the current primary school is very high quality and the secondary schools have 3 to choose from that are all similar distance

I know plenty of families with 2and 3 children who are perfectly happy in their 3 bedroomed house with only one bathroom, yeah its a bit of a pest when everyone trying to get out in the morning but its manageable.

I also hate alll this keeping up with the Jones.

We have the money to move to a bigger house and not be stretched financially, but I cannot find one that is so much better than my current one to make it worth it to me. I would rather have more disposable income for fun activities and holidays and potentially retire younger. I grew up in a big house and huge garden and it was a lot of upkeep which takes time and money too!

They won't all be catchment schools surely - it's rare that schools have overlapping catchment boundaries. Have you checked?

Id stay put and did so. Hence mortgage paid off in my mid 40s and wasn't a slave to house costs And to buy bigger id have had to move to a less nice area 3 bed house with 2 kids is perfectly normal and if it's in a decent area even better.

I would stay and have the baby.

You’re in a 3 bed with a nice garden so you can make it work.

We were in a similar position some years ago and didn't move. We've since done a loft conversion for more space, which was paid for through savings rather than increasing mortgage and a lot cheaper than moving to the next size up in our area.
House is small but as the kids have got older we feel more spread out (they spend more time in rooms or out with friends) so it feels less crowded. Less big toys and baby equipment too. We're not at all inclined to move anymore and we're pleased we decided to stay here. Money is not a stress. We can save up for things like a new car or holiday and we have enough money to deal with unexpected expenses. I much prefer living somewhere smaller and not worrying much about money than feeling stretched someone bigger.

Have the baby, move later once the childcare costs have reduced. We stayed put in a small 3 bed cottage and had the second kid. They are now 8 and 4 and we're about to move to a detached 5 bedroom house with a big garden. They do ideally need space as they get older, but a smaller house is fine in the meantime.