House move or baby? DH and I disagreement

[NotSureNeedSomething]

Another AIBU from me, recently did a job related one and got some fabulous advice from both sides (thanks all) so going a house/baby one.

So, currently live in a nice area (Me, DH and 1 xDC) in a small 3 bed end terrace. Very big garden though which DC loves We have done it up, added a really good quality conservatory that you can actually use most of the year, and it’s lovely inside but small. 1 toilet only. We are outgrowing it however.
DC is in Y1 primary school, so next child age gap is quite big - that’s not an issue to me, we are early 30s.

DH would love another child, I also would. However, I would also love a bigger house with 2 toilets - the jump up to stay in our area and have more space is roughly going to be £100-150k more. So a big bump up on our mortgage which will go from £800 to £1600 roughly. Joint income currently £80-85k.
On paper we can afford it if we push ourselves, but if we have a second child there will be a rough few years of mat leave / nursery fees /early childcare costs. There is definitely an element of envy and longing from me I won’t lie, we are the lowest earners for our area really and smallest house. DCs friends all have big houses. I feel like we are not living up to what we could have - reasonable earners who in theory could have a bigger house. I may also have a promotion on the horizon however nothing concrete unfortunately. Steady stable jobs that we are established in, think LA/NHS sector

My AIBU is :

YABU - stay put as DH says, where the costs are low and you can enjoy life and factor in a second child without being too stressed.

YANBU - move now whilst you only have 1 and make it work for a second as it’s only a few years of tight living, and houses are only getting more expensive. Plus if you wait until having a second, you are classed as having 2 dependants which will impact mortgage offers.

sorry, that’s long. No major drop feed I can think of. But do ask if any questions.

I get where you're coming from. I remember starting family life in a 2 and a half (boxroom) bedroom house and envying the 4 bed houses round the corner from me. All I wanted was to live in a bigger house. Eventually we moved and extended and now live in a 6 bed house (large family) and, if I am totally honest with you, I look back on all the scrimping and financial worries we have gone through over the years and I wish we had bought somewhere smaller. Even a large garden is only a boon for a few short years when the children want to play out in it.
If I were you, i would secure the second child first, then reassess the house situation later.

I soooo agree with this one.
Why stretch yourself so much that you can't have a holiday or treats.

Stay in the house you are in. You sound like you really like it.

Don't skint yourself for the sake of a toilet.

X

I'd have baby, then consider moving 8n few years.
How would you manage bigger mortgage while on mat leave or paying childcare.
In few years move

If you want another baby, have another baby.
We were in a tiny 3 bed (2 double, 1 box) with kitchen/ diner/ living room prey much all in one until the kids were nearly high school.
To be honest, if it hadn't been for the fact I bring so much home and that the kids might be older before they move out, we could have stayed.

The house we moved to only has 1 bathroom. It's never been an issue.

@lalalalalala2024Yes so similar position then, congratulations on your new DC. I hope the new house works out lovely for you all! I really like the ideas from everyone on here suggesting a small extension rather than a 2 storey massive one. I hadn’t thought of that actually, could do a bigger kitchen/diner and add utility/toilet room and a bigger lounge. The house would still only be 3 small bedrooms but I suppose all you do in bedrooms is sleep, DC would have a spare lounge as a playroom/space to see friends.

I am also taking on board everyone’s advice about staying put and living within means. Jealousy is unhelpful I do understand that, and I know our wages are good in general but when you live in an area where everyone seems to be earning £70-100k plus each it’s hard to be rational sometimes. I think people are right, we could extend and make do, and be mortgage free by 55. That is much more sensible.

We decided to stay put to keep our mortgage super affordable. Thank god we did as my husband had significant health problems that left him unable to work or drive while I was on statutory maternity pay.

I traded down - best thing I ever did!
Everything's increased in price over the last seven years. My previous place was a gorgeous 200 yr old cottage but I'd always got my hand in my pocket repairing / replacing. This one is about 10 yrs old, well insulated - & how fuel prices have increased! I would have been miserable.
I'd stay if I was you, & enjoy life!

Thank you !
We are also in an ‘affluent area ‘ but got a right bargain on our house. We did need to go abit bigger due to being in a two bed.

I have to remind myself that we are early 30, im 31 and our wages will grow with age. A couple years ago our joint income was only 50k. It’s hard not
to see what others are doing.

I would dream of a home
like yours with three beds and a garden. Do an extension or a loft conversion for an extra bathroom if you need one , or a garden room

In your shoes, I'd only bother moving if I was planning on having a third. Your house sounds lovely and in a good area, leaves you with money to spare and 3 beds and 1 toilet is plenty for a family of 4 (I know lots think it isn't, but it really is!)

Comparison is the thief of joy. If you moved to a bigger house in a less nice area, would you then be jealous of your friends in better areas?

Well, we still live in our first little house, only one loo (shock horror!), and we've been here over 37 years 😂
Whenever we thought about moving, we knew that our holidays were more important. We were also able to live mortgage-free from age 40, and retire early.

No kids, to be fair, so space not a major issue, but I also glad we prioritised having an enjoyable, comfortable life with some amazing travel.... when I'm on my deathbed, I want to remember seeing the world, not that I had a bigger house than my friends.
And, surely, in any circumstance, if you can't agree on when/if you have a baby, the response has to be "don't do it!".

Well neither option is right or wrong, but if you both want another baby then my main consideration would be how old you and DH are.

I know some women are fertile into their 40s, but for others it can drop off after age 30. The risk of downs syndrome, autism etc also increases with maternal and paternal age.

@Miranda65its not so much a disagreement about a second child it’s timing. But PPs are right , age is a big factor, and money to live life and enjoy it is also a big factor. So maybe a smaller extension and stay put.
Important to give my head a wobble about keeping up with others . Thank you all

Have a second child and overpay the current mortgage as much as you can in the meantime to reduce interest and build equity. When you can afford to overpay by £800 a month then you’ll be able to move. You may not even need such a big mortgage as you’ll have a larger deposit.

I have a big house now but only because I lived for a long time in smaller houses than I could afford, having small mortgages and paying off as much as I could. The equity I built up from doing that gave me a huge deposit and made the big house affordable.

The gap isn’t about you but your son. He is used to be a single child and it will be a huge shock to him. I have a 7 year gap and it hugely affected my relationship with those siblings.i got less and I got no meaningful relationship with my siblings. Crack on, have the second of you want one and then think about a bigger house later. Personally if my kid was in year 1 though I would be one and done! No one could send me back to nappies baby wakeups!

Yabu

That’s fair enough, that’s your outlook and experience.

however ….
I’ve worked with thousands of families and seen a huge range of relationships and set ups with big and small gaps. No particular pattern of a better relationship with smaller gaps.

I’ve been working on my career and always wanted at least 5 years between DD and another child. It will work out as more like 6/7 but that’s fine for me!

That’s a great idea, thank you

I'm 7 years younger than my sister and we've been very close throughout our lives.

I’d stay, overpay your mortgage (you can afford it) with a view to paying it off early.

2nd child is not guaranteed and you do have three bedrooms so if it does happen you have the room.

I must admit that I am old enough not to get worked up about the toilet situation 😉 but accept it is an issue for some. (We only upgraded to 2 toilets ~10 years ago, I could do without the extra cleaning and don’t have enough people in the house for it to make a massive difference)

I’d stay put and have the baby. We were in a small house when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with DC2. We panicked, immediately stuck the house on the market and moved to a bigger house just before DC2 was born. We really didn’t need to. DC2 would have been fine in a box room until now tbh and mat leave and nursery years would have been much calmer with a cheaper house to run. This house has bags of potential but we haven’t been able to capitalise on it until now (DC2 about to go to school) so frankly we’d have been fine to stay put, less stressed about money and rethink it now.

Yes, having enough space is important but as long as everyone has adequate sleeping space I think kids don’t need ‘space’ in that way until they’re at least school age. And a second loo is sort of irrelevant until they’re at an age where they’re not barging in on you on the toilet anyway!

If you both want DC2 I’d take the view you have the rest of your lives to upgrade the house, but the baby is a smaller window.

I would move. You don’t have a crystal ball to know what the future holds in terms of house prices or further children. How will you feel if years down the line you are still in a house you are not happy in and a second child hasn’t come along.

you say you won’t be able to go on holiday for a few years, do you mean abroad? If so that’s not important, great holidays can be had in the UK. My parents never took me abroad but I have fantastic memories of childhood holidays with them.

I with your husband, I had four children in a 3 bed 1 toilet house we were all perfectly happy. I still live in that house now oldest is now 35 youngest is 28 . All home owners and love coming back to visit with grandchildren, it’s about the memories you make in a house not the size

I would stay put and have second dc. Dd1 really wants to move to a bigger house as they're currently living in a 3 bed end of terrace (no room to extend but does have 2 toilets). She will be 35 this year so decided to prioritise having another dc (dc1 is 2) and is now 6 months pregnant. They think the house will be fine until dc2 is 2 or 3 - bedroom 3 is very small. I brought up 4dc in a 3 bed semi with bedroom 3 being a boxroom and it was nice and cosy. Dd1 is incredibly close to ds who is almost 12 years her junior.

Personally I’d have the baby. I don’t see the point of deliberate large age gaps. It’s like having 2 families the enjoyment of having siblings is lost when they are a decade older than you and at a completely different stage in life