AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

about two months ago I questioned him on his relationship with Jane (based on an incident last year where he lost his job in California, took the next flight out to the UK and spent 10 days in the UK, meeting with her to discuss his prospects and options, leaving me and my two children in the US alone with no answers).

Erm…what?

Your husband is the problem. I would completely ignore his/her 'suggestion' and just say 'don't be ridiculous'. The more seriously you take this crap, the more power they have. If this continues, I'd be reconsidering the marriage. What a knob he is.

Very sorry for what you're going through. "D"H for whatever reasons sees you as a useful human appliance, but his main emotional connection is Jane. The romance may have worn off with young kids. Part of life to remain a good partner, communicate.

They are trying to destabilise you by ganging up. Stay calm, discussion will get you nowhere. If you do counselling, your efforts to communicate and his stalling will lead to distress. He and Jane will interpret this as hysterical.

Calmly organise a job, leave for home, lean on loyal friends or relatives. Tell him as little as possible. If he is a decent man, this earthquake will make him come to his senses. But I fear he'll just run to Jane. Two hyenas baying together. But you and your kids will be divorcing from a safe distance. Jane probably won't want him and stay in her marriage.

Why did you accept that? Why have you accepted any of this? I’ve just been reading the thread and wondering what on earth is wrong with you. You are a WOC who has options…and this is what you’re choosing? A man who doesn’t respect you and is chummy with overt (not even the microaggressive kind) racists? And you have CHILDREN with this person?

Hey, kick a woman while she’s down why dontcha

This x10000000

Your anger is misplaced. Your husband is the one sharing information through his lens then bringing all this garbage to your door, he could not share details and could not bring his and his friends views into your marriage couldn't he?

Your husband sounds pretty horrible.

Essentially your husband values Jane, more than you, his wife. He flies from California to the UK for 10 days to see Jane to discuss his career prospects, rather than making a plan with his wife. He attends a wedding with Jane, without you because 'you're not invited' but you never even saw an invitation! My guess is that Jane went to the wedding with your husband as his plus one. He dismisses your opinions, and accuses you of being dramatic.

Honestly OP, you have a serious husband problem. He has no respect for you at all. His friendship with Jane comes before you. Jane's wants/needs come before you. Jane's opinion hold more weight than yours.

I would say to your husband 'You are aware that I am waiting for an ADHD assessment. Any medical diagnosis needs to be left to those who are appointed to me. I would appreciate it, if you don't discuss me with Jane, who hasn't seen or spoken to me in 5 years...so therefore isn't in any kind of position to be making diagnoses. My medical issues are none of Jane's business and she should concentrate on her own marriage and family'.

If your husband defends Jane, and decides you are in the wrong, then you need to re-evaluate your relationship. Go back to work, you are clearly an intelligent woman, with a degree and had a career in law. You need to make sure you can support yourself and your children in the event of a divorce. In your position, I would be divorcing.

You need to leave this marriage OP. The sooner the better.

She either wants him or at the least wants to control him. He enjoys the attention and is acting like a teenager. Tell him to grow a pair and have some respect for his wife. Be prepared to walk way because you can’t live like this. It sounds very Charles and Camilla.

Didn't even catch this bit. If it wasn't obvious that it was an affair before, it certainly is now

I can't 'out' my husband professionally, but he is an extremely senior clinician in this field and he laughed when I read him the final paragraph of your OP, and said to tell you that that information is excellent un-diagnostic criteria for BPD and to consider yourself undiagnosed.

It might be worth a conversation with the Nursing and Midwifery Council about whether it is professionally proper for them to diagnose, particularly without examining the patient, taking a history, or having the patient's consent.

This, but I think the reverse order would be better, and while she should certainly get herself prepared for a return to full-time work, whether it’s best to actually do that before or after divorce is something to discuss with a lawyer.

My lawyer told me that after years of working part-time while the kids were young, if I had stayed part-time instead of getting a full-time job before separation, I would have been in a stronger negotiating position for maintenance and a larger share of the property.

Does she use it in that ironic way when there are black people around? I'm guessing not!

Definitely. And looking for custody i bet.

I agree check if Jane has accessed your health records.

🦆🦆🦆🦆

The BPD is hers, not yours.

Same.

Poor you OP, I think you have been incredibly patient with your husbands 'friendship' with Jane.

Enough.

Your husband is a complete disgrace the way hes treated you and let this woman treat you. Also I dont know if anyone else on this thread has suggested it but it seems really strange that she happened to start giving you the brush off soon after having a baby...is there even the smallest chance that your husband could actually be the babies father and thats why hes also been going along with her behaviors towards you because they secretly had an affair that led to her pregnancy and they see eachother so he can see his child?? Honestly why else would he behave in this way?

Either way he has absolutely no respect for you and you need to leave him and surround yourself with people who actually genuinely love and care for you.

He should have your back @CFornot123 how dare he listen to her pick you apart. I’d have to ask “why are you listening to a woman who stopped engaging with me X years ago” it is madness. And “why did you not believe me about dog needing vet but believe someone else when I was 100% right”.

Not OK!

edited for typo

Id find myself a new male best friend and go out with him all the time and see how he likes it,

It's really shocking and unforgivable when you put it this way because this is what has happened,
A woman who has dodged meeting you for four years, while going out with your husband regularly without you, has handed him a diagnosis of his own wife, and instead of telling her where to go, he's pressured you into psychiatric assessment.

She is gaslighting..she means it. She sounds quite up there on the narc spectrum. Using insults then saying it’s harmless/ a joke / you’re too sensitive etc is classic narc behaviour. As for diagnosing you with a disorder, she’s pretty much projecting. She sounds manipulative, wants to isolate him from you and is generally not someone who should be in your marriage.

I know it’s hard and you have 2 young kids, but he puts her first all the time. I bet the wedding invite was for him and you, but he didn’t want you along..but that’s my bias showing.

seriously, I’d settle, get my career back online and kick him to the kerb . Let her have him. I’ve been the second fiddle wife. It never gets better

I would be inclined to laugh in his face, and tell him it's a 'Jane' problem, the poor love. You can't help it if she's envious of you, can you?! (tinkly laugh)