AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

How do you know this? When did you get access to his messages and how are you able to see messages sent that far back?

All sounds a bit suss to me.

@CFornot123 Good Luck! Ultimately you need to do what is best for you and your children but remember, happy parents make happier kids. Don't stay in the marriage just for them, but sometimes its not pertinent to walk away immediately, you need to get your ducks in a row.

You are very self aware and nobodies fool....do what you need to.

Many posters here are very invested in your situation, if you need validation that things are not right, you have it in oodles. If you feel able to, at some point in the future, please update us.

Big Hugs

Well, what's done is done.

I think at this stage you will be wondering why you married and had kids with someone who was wholly dedicated to another woman.

How long they have been having an affair for is something you will never know, so maybe don't worry about that.

The good news is that you will be starting out again in a better position than most women left in this situation. You can start up a well paid career again, your children can be looked after by yourself and paid professionals ( au pair, after school club etc), and I imagine he won't struggle too much for access after they dance off into the sunset together.

I know it's easy for us to say in the comments section, but this is one of the clearest ' LTB' I have ever seen. I wish you luck for the future.

Please fight for full custody of your children. He clearly doesn't care about them or your family unit by the way he is putting her and her happiness above all of yours. They are attacking you which could have a negative impact on your MH, possibly affecting how you parent. Then to see how she already speaks about her stepdaughter - that is giving an insight to how she will talk about your children and treat them. That shows what a pathetic father he is as he sees that and does not care. Use that against him in court and take him to the cleaners. Also, send all of your screenshots and recordings to her employer - surely that brings them into disrepute? Go scorched earth on both of them.

along with the extremely unlikely trajectory of the legal career.

If the OP is 31 and has moved 10 times in 10 years, including 2 in CA, where presumably she wasn't working, even with a massive dose of suspension of disbelief, the timing doesn't even add up. Three years of uni, takes her to 21 or 22, training contract or conversion, 2 years, so she's already at least 23 (more likely 24) at the start of her 'legal career.' There is no conceivable way that a just finished trainee lawyer either transferred that many times or found that many jobs.

This. You need to be as sneaky has he has been and play your cards very close to your chest.
Not because of his affair but because of the way they are trying to portray you as mentally unstable...
However, they both seem far too selfish and self absorbed to want full custody.. and Jane has already proved herself to be a lousy stepmother and just an awful vindictive character all round. It's probably more about wanting to save money.
So sorry you are having to go through this OP

just get good legal advice and tell him it’s over, you’ve had enough of the BS and let’s be civilised and sort out an appropriate arrangement for the children. As for the “it’s not physical” excuse from him, that’s highly unlikely but it’s also irrelevant because at the very least it’s an emotional affair and he’s heavily invested in a way that’s destroyed your marriage. I guarantee that this Isn’t what he wants, he and Jane are both enjoying the illicit relationship and it won’t stand up to daylight. Once you get through this you’ll wonder why you ever put up with it for so long.

Definitely don't let him go for 50/50 in order to screw you out of money and then just drop the ball and expect you to pick it up. I know so many women in this situation, their ex asked for 50 / 50 to try and financially screw them over as much as possible but because their ex's honestly don't care if harm comes to their child, they have no choice to step in - which the ex knows they will (think things like leaving child home alone whilst ill). Obviously morally wrong and illegal but harder than you'd think to prove if you're trying to protect the child first and the man is a high flyer high earner and a smooth talker.

Document how much childcare you currently do - sounds like 100% (even if he's with them you're there too doing all the important but boring stuff) - this is what should be the starting point in any negotiation and it's reasonable to ask how he's going to look after them when he never has alone before. Then also, this is when the evidence of Jane's hatred for her stepdaughter comes into play. If your children are going to him, she should not be there (this will not suit either Jane or your H) as you have evidence she will see them as an inconvenience at best and definitely won't put their best interests first.

FWIW I really think this relationship with Jane and your H will fall apart as soon as it hits the real world. It's been fine as long as there are proper adults doing all the adulting whilst being left in the lurch by these two. It's not going to be nearly as much fun if either of them have to step up and face reality.

They're users and abusers. Both of them seem to enjoy character assassination of you, whilst you're busy doing all the child rearing and childcare. What an abusive waste of time they both are.

If you think OP is a troll report the thread.

Wishing you and the children well OP for the future. Just get the answers you need for you. We have all had a blip in our lives that has made us question the path we are on and unfortunately your blip was the husband. Get rid of the trash and your life will be the better for it. Please know that we all are rooting for you. Take care x

OP, I know you have said that you won't be updating while you get things sorted, but please don't be afraid to come back if at any point you feel you need support. I know that some posters have been a bit aggressive, telling you that you should be sorting things rather than updating us, but while you deal with the necessary moves to get this situation resolved, you may find that continuing to post, is useful, as so many other MNetters have found while going through a marital breakdown.

Wishing you the courage, and strength to get through this, and sending a virtual hug in case you need one.

THIS and what @Finderskeeepers said.
I wondered about the 'legal career's from the get go, and OP posted so many replies referring to the wedding But only now quoting a text from that time?
Certainly an interesting thread with many juicy and outing details, which the OP keeps on sharing.

I do hope you are printing all of this off as evidence for the impending divorce, OP.

This Jane woman is audacious, and it seems apparent that your husband has a deep emotional connection to her.

He seems to value her input over yours, and he has planned his exit strategy to leave you.

Divorce him.

It sounds likes things are a lot clearer for you. I wish you luck as the next steps will hard to navigate with an emotionally abusive gaslighting pos. All the best. I hope you do update us with good news that he is out of your home. Men are stupid. He will have lost everything as it's likely Jane will also give him the boot eventually.

No need for updates OP but if you want to start a thread for support, then definitely do! Put it in relationships for best response. Lots of women here have been through this kind of thing and will have good advice for you. Good luck.

Wishing you the best, OP. Your husband sounds like a very weak, selfish man and ‘Jane’ sounds poisonous, You don’t need these creeps in your life.

My jaw has hit the floor reading this. 😨

I would gather evidence. 🕵️‍♀️
Screenshots /message/emails 🤳
Financial information 💰
Get your ducks in a row. 🦆🦆🦆
And when you have everything you need, leave your husband. 💪

Then I would be tempted to let Jane's husband know EVERYTHING... just as a parting gift. 💅

@CFornot123

Good luck to you OP, you sound like you’ve got your head screwed on. 🍀

Another thought. He wanted to come back to the UK whereas you thought it had been a successful move to the States. He said he was sacked, or contract terminated or whatever. He returned to the UK before you (and saw Jane, whom he need to see to discuss matters/options?). Divorce is simpler and a lot cheaper in the UK. It is very different in the US and California. It would cost him substantially more over there and I think you would have more grounds for financial retribution/compensation.

I thought it was a dreadful situation this pair of morons were inflicting on you OP then I read this. I'd never trust a man who spends so much time with another woman under the umbrella of friendship. They are despicable and deserve each other.

The UK is usually a considerably more favourable jurisdiction for the non-working spouse than CA. It might cost more there, but the odds are significant he'd walk away in a better position.

He wants to fuck her, and probably already has. She hates you and is happy to have encouraged him to cheat.

It's as clear as glass, sorry OP but if talks like a treacherous cheat, and walks like a treacherous cheat, and messages like a treacherous cheat - it's a treacherous cheat.

So many women would be spared so much angst if they'd just accept that reality pretty much always looks like reality.

Wouldn’t it be a trrrible shame if after OP’s divorce proceedings are underway, someone were to share texts between The Very Cowardly Husband and the Wicked Witch with WW’s husband? I imagine he has doubts about their “close friendship” also, and would really love to see what she has to say about his kid.