AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

Your husband is a bad man. Let this Jane person have him. Go forward and thrive

100 percent

Do high achieving law graduates from Oxford really say things like:

"... she lived in the same city where her and H are actually both from..."

and

"... me and the rest of the university group are 31..."???

Jane’s a cuckoo in your marriage and it sounds like between them they are trying to gaslight you into having MH issues. You’d probably be better off without them in your lives. At the very least I’d be asking H not to see Jane anymore and give your reasons why.

Please
give us your opinion on all OP's posts so we can marvel at your skills.

I came here to say this.
Report her, this is massively inappropriate and in breach of her code if conduct and if she really is a mental health nurse she is a very shit one.
Also don't forget to mention her racism.

If it's not an affair, then it's definitely an emotional one! I would be getting my all my ducks in a row!

Hello Jane 🥱

You need to act.

Get copies of everything and get a lawyer consult. Get an appointment for a physical exam and try to press for your ADHD assessment.

Your husband is trying to gaslight you into thinking you have a personality disorder and he's using his long time racist partner in crime as his backing. Unfortunately for him, he's not aware that she's in no position to be diagnosing someone she hasn't seen on 4 years, that is a fucking joke.

Why would he do something like that? Could he be looking to exit the marriage and take the kids on mental health grounds so he doesn't have to pay maintenance? He might be ahead of you on the divorce track.

Again, check your medical records to see who has accessed them. Revoke permission for your husband to have access to your records.

Finally, there is no ironic use of the n word for racist whites. She's openly racist and your husband is a closet racist.

I've read enough thanks

Hello,
BPD & ADHD share a lot of traits and BPD is often misdiagnosed when ADHD is in fact the problem....
Also , eff her. Tell him he had no business sharing his marriage woes with another woman (friend /not!) , its inappropriate, he should have come to you first and she doesn't even like you .
Tell him you've spoken to the GP, they've identified ADHD and what i told you (google the additude article with a title similar to 'Is it BPD /ADHD?" -its an American adhd website & its brilliant).
Alternatively, LTB.

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-bpd-women-borderline-personality-disorder/ it might be that 1^

Hello OP, I rarely post on here but I’ve read your post and it’s made me crazy mad. You sound like a beautiful intelligent woman who is being treated so poorly by two people here. One of them is accountable to you and one I suppose is not. As a fellow person who works in the mental health field (same as Jane) what she has done by diagnosing you in her own time and talking about you to your husband, is incredibly unethical. In fact if her employer found out about this then I don’t think they would look favourably on her ‘diagnosing’ peoples spouses from afar. So very unethical and I almost want to report her myself! It’s awful behaviour. As for your husband, he needs to find some loyalty within him or he will lose you and his child. Please please have a look in a mirror and see the intelligent beautiful person looking back. You don’t deserve this in any way. You deserve love and support and mostly GRATITUDE for your support for him and his career and this marriage. Please recognise your worth and don’t let him continue to act in this way. I feel so angry on your behalf. Sending you love x

@CFornot123
She never liked you pure and simple you married him and got what she wanted for herself whilst all the time leaning on the "best friends" trophe
I have never ever heard of myself personally a man and woman just having a "matey" relationship for that length of time
And honestly I'd say as well that whatever she says ( the BPD? ) Is to sow a seed of doubt in his mind as she has no right to "diagnose" you
She's going to try and prise you apart I smell a person whos not keen on non WASP freely gives opinions so that's another pin in the cushion
Also she's always known that he's there almost at her beck and call so she will keep doing this to undermine you
You have to speak to him sooner rather than later I'm willing to bet shes said that your silence means you hate him and don't care.
If you can't speak, write a letter and make him read it in front of you

And then try to open a conversation from there
Hopefully he sees her from the friendship angle and couldn't imagine her any other way
And another thing, you've the sort of education that some women would've killed /others marched for
Maybe just maybe
In the future it'll stand you in good stead
Don't waste it; may need to use it
And
Where's her husband in all this? Or
Is her doing/saying the way it is for them too??

Honestly, give them what they want. Initiate the divorce!!

Be nice as pie, but tell him it’s not working for you anymore and he is free to go be be Jane’s lap dog now.

I’m honestly shocked on your behalf. Jane’s behaviour is completely inappropriate, and your DH’s behaviour is even worse.

She hasn’t spoken to you properly in years, has used racist language around you, froze you out without explanation, and yet somehow feels entitled to “diagnose” you with a personality disorder based entirely on whatever your DH has been telling her. That’s not just unprofessional, it’s unethical. No mental health nurse should be diagnosing someone they haven’t assessed, especially someone they have a personal history with.

The bigger issue here is your DH. He’s been discussing you “at length” with another woman, meeting her regularly for drinks/dinners/video calls, and then presenting her opinions about your mental health as if they’re fact. That’s a huge breach of trust. He’s triangulating you with someone who clearly dislikes you, and he’s giving her far too much influence over your marriage.

You’re absolutely right to take time to process this. I’d be asking him directly what exactly he’s been saying about you that has led her to this conclusion, and I’d be making it very clear that conversations about your mental health with Jane are completely unacceptable.

If he wants to talk about communication in your marriage, that needs to happen between the two of you or in counselling for the marriage, not for you alone. Make it clear that Jane is not part of your relationship as she is a third party who has already shown she has an issue with you.

If he continues to prioritise her, reconsider the marriage because this dynamic is not healthy.

I think something really important is being missed here: you have been incredibly giving in this marriage. You’ve uprooted your entire life multiple times for the sake of his career, not just once, but repeatedly and each time you’ve had to rebuild your work, your social circle, your support network, your children’s routines, everything. That’s not a small thing. That’s a massive emotional and practical load that you’ve carried so he could progress.

Meanwhile he’s been able to keep his career trajectory, his friendships, his routines, and his emotional support system (including Jane) completely intact.
For him to then sit with another woman and dissect your mental health, a woman who hasn’t spoken to you in years and who has shown you open disrespect is a huge betrayal of that sacrifice. You’ve given up stability, community, and your own career progression for the sake of the family, and instead of recognising that, he’s letting someone else pathologise you.

That’s not how a supportive partner behaves. At the very least, he should be acknowledging the toll all those moves have taken on you and the kids, not outsourcing his opinions about you to someone who clearly has an axe to grind.

And the thing is, even if Jane were the most qualified mental health professional on earth, she still shouldn’t be grinding any axes based on second‑hand stories from your DH. She hasn’t spoken to you properly in years. She hasn’t assessed you. She hasn’t observed you. She’s relying entirely on whatever version of events your husband has been feeding her and that alone makes her “diagnosis” completely invalid.

No competent professional would ever diagnose someone they haven’t met recently, especially someone they have a personal history with, and especially when the only information they’re using comes from a clearly stressed spouse who’s been venting to them. It’s unethical, it’s biased, and it’s frankly dangerous.
If she genuinely believed you were struggling, the correct professional response would be: “I’m not in a position to comment - this is outside my remit.” Not whipping out a personality disorder label based on gossip and then sending your DH “reading material” like she’s his supervisor.

I also think I would be double checking whether I was invited to the wedding as a plus one or not, as I have a sneaky feeling you were invited and he just decided not to tell you.

It’s not just inappropriate, it’s a massive overstep. And your DH should never have allowed that conversation to happen in the first place.

You’re not overreacting. This is a massive boundary violation from both of them, and you’re right to be deeply uncomfortable.

Why didn’t you ask to look at the wedding invite? Surely you would have wanted to check it.

And let him go to the uk for 10 days to meet up with her and leave you with the kids? He is taking the absolute piss out of you.
I would start gathering legal documents. Get a job. You only left 2 years ago.
Get your ducks in a row.

Shes clearly in love with him. And he’s a dick to you .

FFS she’s heard one side of what I’m sure is a very one two sided story and has ‘diagnosed’ you. Fuck the fuck right off Jane.

I’m getting vibes that she’s probably always been a bit jealous of you because even if her husband doesn’t see her like that maybe she’s always held a candle. If you also just simply don’t get along I can see how she’d only be too ready to sabotage your relationship. If you’re going through a rocky stage the absolute worst thing he can do is have some twit in his ear colouring his perspective. It’s a huge betrayal even if there’s nothing romantic going on.

He needs to clearly understand that and step the fuck back from this friendship before she does real damage.

But you are trying to defend him, and your anger is misplaced. She was only able to say what she said because he betrayed your trust and shared things that he shouldn't have. Don't let the fact that you don't like this woman blind you to the truth about who is really at fault here.

This x

Sorry @CFornot123
He's a cunt and so is she xx

For you

I’m a professional editor and

a) I can assure you that many, many well-educated people make small errors when they are focused on content rather than grammar, and
b) my own posts here are littered with the same as I really don’t care about perfect grammar on an Internet forum, as long as my posts can be understood.

I think it’s possible that she stopped meeting you because somewhere deep in her horrid self she was ashamed of how she is carrying on with your husband. That is why he fled to her in crisis.
Her actions as a nurse are definitely misconduct and inappropriate in the extreme ..wild diagnosis and racism.
Protect your future..get organised OP …look for evidence (safely)

Seriously he should just cut her off or you should leave.
She clearly is in love with him and he is doing nothing - NOTHING - to deter her or protect you. You are his wife!! It seems that doesn’t mean much to him.

You are a saint for having tolerated this for so long. I would not have put up with it and would have made him choose.

I suspect you cannot trust him. He obviously thinks she is someone of standing / to be believed- which is just bizarre. She sounds like someone who is capable of stalking.

She knows full well that she is driving a wedge between you. He seems very stupid…

My first thought was have you heard or seen anything of her husband past 4 years. Are you sure nothing has happened? Could it be possible that she distanced so you don't see the girls look similar if something did happen. His over sharing with her but if you say anything it makes you look crazy. Tell him you will take it under advisement. I would point out until he spoke to her he had raised no concerns she hasn't seen you in years and maybe if he put into your marriage the level of time and conversation he has with her you might be closer. Sounds like an emotional affair another very least. Point out she's racist and she may be experiencing her own mental health issues from burnout that she's projecting on you.

This Jane is an absolute bloody idiot. Can't stand women like this.